You have no idea how hard this is to write
Still a very taboo subject, many won’t talk about it, many won’t admit to it, I do, and as I sit here at 19:47pm starting this blog, I am thinking off reasons to NOT end my life.
I know this is hard to believe but I have NO mental health issues, not one, the pain gets me. How I act in my own house get me, 1 second I am smiling, then “IT” arrives, like a dose of the shits, just from nowhere
This happens to me say, once or twice a year. I suffer depression, but not because of the same reasons as others, because of the pain. Tonight I stood on my daughters scooter and hurt my knee, I couldn’t shout at her, she is only 3 for god’s sake, but the anger at being in pain is strong and annoying and right now, as I say, I am thinking about ways to “Just go”
I know I won’t, but these feelings are nothing I can control. I wish I could just snap out of them, but after many scans and talking to “Experts” Yeah people about 20 years old with a book and a certificate, I am left to deal with it alone, as I can’t and won’t allow my family to know
I will tell you all why this came on also. I got an email from India about 2 hours ago, telling me a football (Soccer to all you Americans) side called Glasgow Rangers were going to die as in “Be no more” So with much rejoice I went onto Twitter and tweeted “I only popped my head in to say “Yeeesss #BlueDust is close” or words to that affect. I have been involved in this story almost a year, and have really blogged hard on various sites. This club cheated the UK taxpayers out of £150 Million, and I was one of many who were blogging and asking for the truth, I got heavy into the story. People on Social Media sites NEED to know words hurt. Sure “Turn them off” or “Block them” is easy. but it isn’t that easy. Besides, this isn’t the full issue, this would be unfair on them, and a bastard I am not
Anyway a lad I have more respect for than many on Twitter Tweeted “I was out of order” then blocked me. Not that it matters, as I am not tweeting. Just sharing blogs with friends and family and anyone who wants to read them, this hurt, a lot. I blocked myself, through my router from allowing my PC/Laptop/Phone and IPad from getting access to Twitter, as we all know, its addictive as smoking. My partner is taking my Daughters to bed, so I used her laptop. I need to share. I don’t know why, and I wish I didn’t want to, really
So I am just blogging to say, suicide happens to people who sometimes don’t want to die, they do it as a cry for help, and die, the reason I know this is, as I said I work voluntarily with people who are suicidal and depressed etc, and many tell me after a suicide attempt “Thank god I didn’t die”
It will pass. It always does. But this is one reason people need to wake up to toying with the emotions of people who are disabled. It isn’t just the pain, its dealing with the pain that is the bastard
I will be ok, I just hit rock bottom. I fight in life, so I know I will be ok. I did this blog to share at a moment’s notice, so I blog this RIGHT NOW, as this is how I feel this second
Some laugh, some care, some don’t, that isn’t relative to me, and I am sharing. And if somewhere there is a person feeling the same, maybe they might read this and not kill themselves
Trust me, once you’re gone, you’re gone, PLEASE!!
IF YOU WANT TO REPLY TO THIS, REPLY BELOW THE BLOG, NOT ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA SITES, I WON’T CHECK..
Shaun X
Shaun
prayingforoneday 
Shaun, everyone feels different levels of emotions. Never think of taking that next step. Counselling may help you. I would be happy to listen if you want to rant, moan or just have someone listen x
Thank you x
Shaun your bigger than that son ,keep the faith
I know I am. I just am in a lot of Pain Jean. Pain I can’t handle sometimes. SHEER AGONY. And it gets to me.
Shaun x
HOLY CRAP
Dear Shaun, i know you suffer great deal of pain, and depression does not help, but Please please please either get help or just talk to others, I am trying not to cry and its not cause i am emotionally attached to you in some way, (your a great guy).. But my friend or a very close friend of my ex’s committed suicide 13 years ago, on the 7th march on my ex’s birthday, and as you said it often is a cry for help,. and his was but went wrong, he is no more, and it is if it was yesterday. He was the kindest person ever and the most unlikest person who you would think would do such a thing… It hurts all those who are left behind.. i think about him all the time and he was just a close work mate but did anything for anybody,,
If your looking for reasons not too, your children and your partner,, and all your friends me included..
It is brave of you to blog about your feelings its not easy to admit too, But you can always contact me Shaun, XXXXX
If I didn’t blog I wouldn’t be around.
Really is that simple.
The ability for me to share keeps me going.
Take that away, I don’t know how I get through.
Thanks
Shaun
Oh Shaun, that’s so sad to hear
When people make up a false blog page, and pretend to be this one, they are toying with my life. I support a team called Celtic FC..But not the fans anymore. They have this saying “Celtic Family” and talk about all the evils of the world, and they are that also. It is SSOOO Ironic Debbie.
I will be fine.
Thank you.
Shaun x
They are not you,, and i know you will be ok,, its just knocked the stuffing out of you Shuan, its horrid for you with what they have done, and i think the world over football fans have they bad apples and which ever team.. like you say support the club but not the fans, xxx
Lack of sleep and medication got me good last night.
I REALLY needed to sleep.
Pain is, well Pain!
lol
Thanks Debz
Ur a Star x
I am not really a star just a person who listens and cares from a far
Well you are this morning, lol x
aww thank you Shaun, i am just about to blog again
I did read the Football Post you put up,, but can’t comment on it anyway.. its appalling at what Footfans do, Celtic are no different to other teams but i sit on the fence witnessing all the hate messages on twitter, both man city and man U are bad as are liverpool,
Anyway Shaun, night sweet, not sure you will sleep but you can always e-mail me
Link me up, reading others blogs just now
Shaun
Shaun sweetie you know my dh is in the same boat and I have a real fear one day I will find him dead. I don’t know exact figures but I’m sure there is a large % of people with chronic pain who end it.
I do suffer from depression and those black thoughts have came to me but like you it’s my children who keep me here. Who knows what the future holds mate but I just hope it has us in it x
Yeah I was told many men who suffer chronic pain take their own life. It is a pride thing I guess. In my mind I would never do it, but the thoughts are terrifying. I have earphones on and just ignoring everyone, or trying to. And yeah, the future will be what it is. My 4 kids are in my thoughts when this black cloud comes.
Thank you x
I know I can’t feel the anguish your feeling at the moment, we are all different, but when I feel all the things that you have in your photo caption and believe me it is more often than I really feel comfortable with, what I’ve forced myself to remember is how many people I love and how they love me and how they would be effected by my absence. I think of all the people I wish were still here and how much that hurts that they are not and I couldn’t do that to the people that who love or depend on me. No matter how much I hurt, I know there are people that I love and who love me and want me to hang around. Even if we fall out sometimes.
The Screaming Blue Meanies are a pure bastard, but don’t let them beat you up.
Sometimes I think of the turds who would be delighted if I was no longer around, you know the kind I’m talking about, and I say to myself feck you I’m hanging on just for pure fecking spite!
Best wishes mate.
PS this volcano thing is strong, I’m still trying to find out how regular this kind of thing is and what are the different opinions of the projected outcomes. One thing is for sure more shit shot into the atmosphere. I told you what I think is going on, as we take more oil and gas from lower and lower in the crust more friction is being caused and the Earth is being heated from within and heating up the sea and land. Which may not necessarily be where the oil is being extracted. This is the possible reason for the odd weather i.e. hurricanes and the effects of el nino etc. It seems old played out oil wells all around the World are filling up again, which implies that the theory that oil and gas are produced by the dead bodies of sea creatures being put under high pressure is not quite right. Some think there is a different process that is producing these hydrocarbons, which are found in abundance throughout our Solar System and of course cannot be caused by wee sea creatures. You’ll probably know it is called ‘abiotic oil’.
I hope you feel better soon, God bless.
I am 10% better than I was when I shared. I call it sharing out of habit. It is something I wouldn’t do. I have 4 kids, and way to much to miss.
But IN THAT MOMENT OF “FUCK IT” It is the most selfish place you can be. You think of nobody, nothing and it is just so selfish. You care not a shit about anything.
The saying goes, it is always the people you least expect that do it. I would fall into that list for sure. Big lad, can handle myself, you know what I mean. I am on the list of “Most likely” to do it. I don’t think about other people. All I think about is no pain. The last few days have been unreal for pain. My knees and my hips and lower back feel like they been stabbed, HARD. I just want to escape the pain. I am in my 30s. I hope I ain’t like this or worse in 10 years, I could not handle 10 more years off this, no way.
Shaun
Believe this is the very worst time of the year. It will get better I promise. I get it the same time every year, I try to prepare as best I can for it, but it always catches me at this time of year. Usually from the first week of January, reaching a peak in February and tails off by the beginning of March. So you’ve reached the peak you will be able to get more fresh air, the air in Edinburgh at this time of year is dreadful, did I tell you I stay on the East side of our fair Capital, so I should know. Lifelong Celtic supporter from a family of Celtic supporters if anyone wants to know.
But anyway I promise you things will start looking up soon.
And remember when you read these daft statistics they are not always about you.
Yeah I hear you mate. Just done a Celtic blog on Twitter, then changed my password and email, and I will never remember.
After Christmas and new year is a VERY HARD time for many, and many lives are lost. So it is important to share and speak and debate and if we can save one life, be it mine, then it was worth it.
Thanks a lot
Shaun
Honest post – sorry things are so difficult and hope the depression evaporates fast.
The ability to share to strangers keeps me talking, and keeps people talking back. The pain was REALLY BAD. With 2 toddlers in the house, I try to hide it, I have to go into the Kitchen with the baby gate locked, and sit with Headphones on at the laptop. At least I talk.
I do this to reach out, sometimes I am helping others, in their blogs, so you reach out, others like you reach back.
Thank you
Praying for you my friend. I know you’re bigger than this, though a small part of me still is worried about you. I am sorry I haven’t been around the past few days.
Eddie, how it go.
I got some sleeep. Mixture of no sleep, pain and medication. It was horrific. It was a dark cloud, It was a very selfish place to be, I can’t describe it more than that. It felt “Right” to feel that way, bit also I felt no shame or remorse. After it calmed down, I was glad I did this blog and spoke to a few family members.
Catch up soon Eddie. As I said, I was NEVER going to do it (I don’t think) It just felt “Right” I can’t explain it. And it was like Darkness was surrounding me. Such a horrible place. To think many don’t snap out and do the unthinkable.
I would like to thank you and everyone here for talking. Whole reason I do these blogs. I reach out, others reach back.
Chronic pain is a complete sh1t of a syndrome, no two ways about it.
Catch you soon for a chat Eddie. You can talk into my ear, lol
Shaun
Shaun how are you today mate?
Hey you xx
I really am fine. I twisted my knee, was in agony, medicated to death so that happened. But I awoke to day and did this: http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/historical-blizzard-about-to-hit-usa-as-yellowstone-park-show-strange-signs/ lol. So I just blog what I am feeling or thinking. That blog there will be more or less the area of my blogging, but I will keep doing the odd Audio ones. I Have a Radio thing I am doing soon, so Twitter in the end, gave me the platform, to do what I am doing now! So that has to be good.
I really am ok now. No sleep, medication and SHEER AGONY will take anyone to this place. A selfish place you wouldn’t wish you enemy on.
Please keep in touch, and I hope you are following my blog here. lol
Thanks pal. Shauny x
Hiya dude, I think if you actually thought about it, you’d find there were many things to live for, although i know from experience that when you feel like that it’s hard to think of anything else. Live for your daughter if for nothing else my friend. 😉
In a position like this personal feeling go out the window, you become very selfish and it just feels the “Right thing to do” I work as a volunteer worker for depressed and suicidal people, so I perfectly placed to give advice. I have more that one kid, and a LOT more to live for. But in that moment, nothing else matters, you are enclosed in your own thinking and are selfish., I done my knee in, sheer agony, then took 50 ml Morphine so I ended up in a bad place. This has happened 5 times now over 3 years or so. Funnily I got up and done this http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/historical-blizzard-about-to-hit-usa-as-yellowstone-park-show-strange-signs/ lol. I share my moments and be honest, you get respect for it and if I can help one person, it was worth sharing.
Thanks.
Shaun
ps: Following back 🙂
I feel the same way. I’ve attempted suicide 8 times and came close once and had to have a stomach pump forced up my nose. It’s difficult to find things to live for but what I’ve learned is to think of my family, how they’d cope and it’s helped me. My last attempt was almost 5 years ago.
😉
I have never tried, just the thoughts. But with the life I got and family I have, I couldn’t leave Miss Shaun alone wondering for the rest of her life “Why”
You worry me with your winking, lol
I am sorry to hear you went through this,. If I can ask, at the moment you did it, how did you feel, and what were you thinking, if you could sum it up in a few words. Sorry to pry, but I help people who have almost died for example, so I like to learn as much as I can
Hope that is ok
Shaun
Sure that’s fine. At the time, just befre I took the overdose, I felt distraught and desperate. But afterwards I felt like I’d given life a good shot and that it hadn’t worked. It was like falling into a black hole and I was peaceful and happy to be going, (probably the effects of OD’ing on dihydrocodeine) but I’m glad now that my mum found me and called an ambulance. Oh and the winking is a habit that i find hard to break lol 😉
You said there, what I hear every other day “Comfortable in trying to die” I felt the same without trying or taking That tablet or Tramadol or Diazapam. It just feels right. But then I speak to many who tried to end their life, 99,999% say “Thank Fek”, it was a cry for help or whatever.
Winking aside.
Good debate Jay (I call you Jay?) ;p;
you sure can. And yeah after the ordeal of surviving a suicide attempt, in my experience, things do look brighter. Maybe that’ just because things couldn’t look worse? I also think that’s a good point you made there. I think a lot of people are just crying out for help and feel there’s no other way to get it, trouble is it might backfire and actually kill them. 😉
Yeah I guess you are right. (Sorry, I unfollowed you by mistake, me bad). And the “Things couldn’t look worse” or “things look better” I wouldn’t know, but from speaking to people that tried it, some try it always, some just the once, many say this. Sadly for some its a daily struggle to stay alive. For them, my heart goes out.
Cheers Jay
You’re very welcome and I think you’re right aobut the daily struggle thing. Most days were like that for my mum. 😉
Pain. no pain it doesn’t matter IMO. struggle is there for most.Money issues etc. Life CAN be a struggle for many, no matter the issue. People take their life over a thousand reasons. Money issues seems to be a major one. Sadly
Shaun
yeah you’re right debt in particular I think. My mum was in constant pain though, she was injured at work when an industrial refrigerator fell on her and damaged her spine. She often found it hard to live with and like you she was on morphine for a long time 😉
Not the best, sorry to hear. Thankfully I take Morphine once a month if that. Only when the pain is bad. I try not to, I hate it.
FOR SOME REASON….Replies are moving over to one side.
Thing I know why. Stick a song in till I fix it 😉 lol
yeah I don’t blame you. She had patches she’d have to change once a week. But the pain was to blame really for her depression I think 😉
Find this decent
Thanks for that i’ll give it a watch 😉
No you won’t. your replies and mine to yours are being pushed over to the edge of the page…
lol I’m watching it now. I agree with what he said about people thinking your crazy or insane just fr thinking abut suicide. 😉
Shaun, I really understand where your coming from. I have a brother with degenerative MS and has tried to take his life just recently. His condition makes him feel so low at times that he thinks everybody’s lives would be improved if he was not around anymore. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. He enriches my life just by being there and i would miss him immensely. Let me say suicide is not the answer. I can’t imagine how much pain you endure, it must be excruciating at times, I don’t know you personally, but i get from your blogs the sense that you are a person who has a lot to contribute to this world through the caring and love you show to others despite your pain. As i think as i have said before, it is a matter of turning a negative into a positive. You are a good person who doesn’t really deserve to suffer the way you do, but you are not suffering alone. As others have said, if you need to talk we are here.
Regards
Patrick
Thanks Patrick. And sorry to hear about you’re Brother. I got tested for all this. Last night I hurt my knee badly, the pain was as bad as pain could be, and although I drive an Automatic as soon as I took the medication I couldn’t drive to the hospital. One good thing to come from last night was I left Twitter. lol. It is a VERY DARK and selfish place, and not a place I would wish on anyone. The pain I suffer, mainly my knee’s, hips, ankles and lower is back (These are the worst) I can only describe to people who ask is like “Toothache pain” in my Knee for example.
But I live to fight another day., Had I not shared, I may not be here, so I am glad I am so open and honest, WE ALL must talk and open up.
I woke up and done this; http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/historical-blizzard-about-to-hit-usa-as-yellowstone-park-show-strange-signs/ lol.
I just bouce back. I don’t pretend it never happened, I just move on. Strange, but we are all different I guess.
Thanks.
Shaun
ps: Has your blog page went? I can’t seem to find it Patrick.
Shaun
No it is still there http://pifuk67.wordpress.com/
Strange clicked on your name and pic, nothing..lol
Thanks!
WOULD ANYONE KNOW?????? Why my comments are pushing over to the right off the page? When anyone replies. the more I reply and they reply, the more the comments moved over to the right.
Anyone? lol
Shaun
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Shaun I sent you my new phone number via email. Get in touch. Daniel
No email buddy….
Well here it is. Can you not post this then:*************
Give me a call any time you want Shaun
Hi Shaun, Do you remember me? Aha! I’m the 13 year old girl from FRaPS.
Thank you so much for saying those things, turns out it is hard for me to be 13 and already talks about suicide. Most of my friends talk are all about boybands and other unimportant things, and I admit my mind is older than my age, if you know what I mean.
This post is great,and you did the right thing when you shared this. and how you can control your emotion, people should learn how to not think too short, like to think about long-term. Which is when you do suicide, there will be no more long-term.
Sometimes people who care about suicide are the ones who once had a thought about doing that, but me,I haven’t. so my care started when I read a book titled 13 reasons why. And I re-read it, and then I realize that this happens often in society and there should be someone who stands about it. And yes, I started talking about suicide and problems, but still I feel like I’m the only one in the whole school who actually does that and care about that. And thank you for your advice, I will never stop talking about suicide-and how to prevent it.
Oh and my name is Syifa. 🙂
I hope that the world (specifically the society) will get better one day, one day.
Hi Syifa lol
You are a very clever young girl. and yeah my little sister isn’t far from your age, her life is music and boys. I hope you are ok and keep sharing on here, There are good people in the world Syifa. you just to find them, or let god throw you together. I have met 20 at least on here. Wise, kind people. The more you share, the more you read, the better understanding you will have .
Keep it up
Shaun
blogging helps me when im that low…as i cant talk to anyone …
and music helps too
Hi, thanks for the follow.
Yeah sharing and debating with others is a God send. And Music, yeah. Sometimes, headphones on, wee world of my own.
Shaun x
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It takes a lot to accept…doesn’t it..? but yes you should never take that last step..because there is no undoing it…the only thing that will be left is regrets..