70,000 views, 20,000+ comments,1,000 blogs, thank you!

What can I say, seems like 2 weeks ago I blogged I had 60,000 hits, before I know it 71,723 as I type this. I just want to say thank you again

I still can’t (I know, I know) figure out what  brings people to my blog, but I guess as time goes by I have to say thanks and I must be doing something right in the 8 months since I really started blogging

5 likes mid December

Back last year I was doing 3/4/5 blogs a month,  have done 6 today alone 🙂

So again, I know I will bore you all to tears, thank you, truly means a lot to know people are visiting my blog. I did say I would try and visit others peoples blogs, and I have been, but I need to do more! No argument

This week I also got past 20,000 comments on my blog, so thanks again, I really feel at home here on Word Press, part of the furniture I guess, a home from home where I speak to people I like, trust, love as friends and feel like I am doing something positive with my life. You all know my story, suicidal thoughts, depression due to pain, losing as much as I did through being in agony, to know I am doing something worthwhile, also now writing for a few other sites, I am just so happy I had the support here from many people to keep me going, to keep me confident and to keep me writing. It is not in my nature to give in. When people say you can’t, I do, this the determination I had in football.

Also today, I got past 1,000 blogs, lol

I am just happy I can look myself in the mirror and see more than just a disabled lad in pain who feels useless

More love, less hate

Shaun

None of us are ever alone, truly alone

 

As I sit here in mild agony listening to Bryan Adams sipping on a cup of warm tea I made 20 minutes ago. It is 03:30, yet another night up alone, in pain, feeling a bit down and just wishing I had a normal sleeping pattern, “dream on big guy” I hear back in my mind from a voice I don’t recognise

See we were born to live and be around others, lately I have felt alone in a busy room, yesterday I was sitting here typing something, can’t remember what, and my son was standing speaking to me, then walked away, I broke my concentration to say “What? Sorry, did you say something” for Dawn to say, he was talking to you. That hurt me a LOT

See I don’t mean to be ignorant, I don’t mean to ignore people, the pain is sometimes that strong I have to turn parts off and just go with what I am doing. It is an skill I taught myself a while back, it helps me forget the pain, I just turn off a part in my brain, don’t ask what part and just do what I am doing, typing, writing, listening to music, watching TV

Then it dawned on my “Do I do this all the time” I hope I don’t, if I do what do my family think, do they think I have lost my marbles? My mind is the last thing I have that I can control, and I am just taking the pain away. This night I feel alone, as I type this everyone is sleeping, the window is open as it is hot and all I can see is tree’s, or the shadows from the trees, part of me when I typed that shat it, but I am hot, so the window stays open, it is like a scene from the Blair Witch Project my view, you do get used to it

So, if you read that above, and you are alone, you are not now, as Shaun is here alone also, we can be alone together, never be alone, if you are, write about it, don’t feel alone, you have choice, when I realised I had choice, things changed I guess, the only thing that stayed the same was the pain, I can block it out a bit, but if I stop to think about it, it hurts, it burns, it is almost alive inside me like another person dictating my thoughts, this is how I have got used to dealing with pain, looking at is as friend, should I do different and call it enemy, then it beats me, so friend it is. Even just typing that the pain spiked, but what should I do? Give in, or go on? I choose to go on 😉 x

In the meantime, we can be lost together

Shaun x

5 Minute “Audio Blog” Me speaking about Pain x

Yes, this is Shaun lol

PLEASE listen, 5  minutes of me talking. more love, less pain, Shaun

My left knee

Looks like I am going to need one of these

Pain in my body is still low, but awoke this morning and left knee was stuck, took me an hour to straighten it through gels and medication, nightmare

One of the sorest things I have had happen was snapping my knee as a kid and trying to keep playing football after it was put back together. I am paying for it now. I have made an appointment with the Dr to get me seen by the prosthetics people at the hospital to seriously look at getting this knee taken out it and replaced with the one above

I think the time has come to be brave and get it out, it is like a bad tooth, and it needs to come out. I am in bed still, the knee is swollen like a melon and the pain after tablets and gel is coming in waves still. The body pain is shallow but this knee pain is causing full leg and hip pain as well as shooting pains up my spine

Oh the joys, lol

If you don’t laugh, you won’t

Feeling the Burn – Time to Rant the pain away

 

 

My body is curled up almost in the Fetal position today, Feet, Ankles, Shins, Calf’s, Knees, Thighs, Hips, Lower back, middle back, top of my back, shoulders, elbows, wrists, fingers, head, jaw and all in between

Agony

I never ask for sympathy EVER, I use this page to vent, but for once I am going to hope, I am going to hope this “Devils Disease” this Invisible illness goes from my body. I truly can’t take one more second, never mind one more hour, day, week, and looking forward I can’t because thinking months and years would make me want to take my own life

Sometimes when people blog you are reading pain or medication, sometimes the person, as you read this, you are reading all three; it is a living hell, a living nightmare. But I know others are worse, I know others can’t type, can’t walk at all, can’t eat by themselves and worse, so here comes the guilt for me blogging, and I KNOW it is stupid to feel this way, but this is the pain and medication part coming through and me as a person also

I am love, I am hope, I am your friend, I do not know how to be hate, and so I offer love and hope to you all who are suffering today, this moment as I know how you feel. I am on the floor on my side struggling to type here, bit my “I WON’T GIVE IN NATURE” is helping me blog. I am also listening to a song I will share below. Music switches my mind away from some of the pain, but as I type this, a voice at the back of my head is saying “We can’t take this anymore, end it” So I ignore this voice

For anyone suffering now, reading this, whatever your pain is, I am deeply sorry, because I understand, and if I could take your pain I would because I am in pain anyway, and I don’t think this pain could get worse, I could not imagine feeling anymore burn, pain, fear of my thoughts

So I will tell you what I tell myself, hang in there, fight, FUCKING FIGHT! Do not give in, smile, listen to a song, do something, let the pain know you are not giving in. The worst pain I have this second is right across my lower back and my left leg from ankle to hip, I can only describe it as if someone is putting a red hot knife into where the pain is and turning the knife

I will hope, I won’t give in, I believe my body will one day be free

I have amazing friends, real life and on many internet platforms telling me to fight, not to give in, not to take the cowards way out and take it, find a reason to take. I have a reason for taking this pain, my past is the reason, I did bad things, and I hurt people. I was in jail, so that is my reason for being in this much pain, karma is hitting me hard. But trust me I am fighting and I ask you to also, here is a song that helps me, and hope you also listen and try and believe, our existence counts on this, so live and breath and be strength x

This song tells the story of what this disability did to me and my partner Dawn over the years, it hurt us, but it made us stronger, and our love ever lasting, it helps, the lyrics help us 

 

 

Brilliant Birthday day out as Chronic Pain wins the day

 

So it was good fun, the thought of having my birthday today, family visits, 1 million texts, 2 million emails, facebook messages and all the phone calls were brilliant, seeing family was good also. Today I went out with Dawn and the Girls with a few hundred pounds to spend and Dawn buying lunch.

We left about lunchtime, trying to aim for coming back 4 hours later for me needing medication, it was a fail, lol. We got back a little bit later. We went round 3 shops and also went for a quick lunch with the girls. I came home and my body just collapsed. I bought a new wardrobe and a nice new fancy PC chair for the Main room PC’s. I will build it one day, I promise

Now after all the excitement and walking with crutches and hardly any pain relief only gel I could rub on sore bits, I am “GONE” I am here in bed. We bought a double Hospital bed, so I have the top up 2 feet, the laptop on my laptop holder that has little light and a cup holder and I am GONE

My mind is shattered, my body aches like, as I have said before, all over body toothache pain and I am so tired, but can’t fall asleep, although I don’t want to. As I look at the time it is 18:30 GMT 0 and if I fall asleep now I will wake up at like 3am, so I am forcing myself to stay awake till 10 pm or something. I made a promise to try and sleep better. I have a planned Skype with Eddie over at http://bishoptatro.wordpress.com/ about doing a podcast for the radio show, this may have to wait till tomorrow

I am so tired, mind and body, I feel like I just debated Stephen Hawkins on anti-matter for 10 hours and played USA Football/Rugby/Aussie Rules, mind and body are not talking to each other, there has been a fall out on a cellular level here lol, even with the car, I feel like I been ran over by a train doing 200MPH

But I enjoyed t he last few days, wouldn’t change it for the world

Also, big thanks for all the “Happy Birthday” wishes on Skype, Email, Facebook and here and elsewhere, means a lot. Sadly this Chronic Pain has beat me today lol

Was worth it, as at some point, I could hear this in my mind

More love, less hate

Shaun 

3 Hours Sleep, woke up screaming, left knee (One with Fracture) has seized up, agony

 

 

3 hours sleep, woke up at 08:20 am, 10 minutes ago, my left knee, the one with the loose bit of bone is still seized straight. I am in agony. Morphine just taken 2 minutes ago. I have never felt pain like this before. I was up late as I couldn’t sleep and my oldest Daughter was sick all night.

There are days when I just want to cry and lay in bed; this is way too much this pain. I screamed that loud my friend who lives next door just text me and I awoke the whole house, all went back to sleep except Dawn.

My knee is stuck straight, I can’t bend it, I try move in a 1/5^th of an inch and I scream again. This can’t be fucking good. This is intolerable pain. Pain I can’t handle. And its 08:35 now and Morphine (that I hate) will be kicking in any second.

Some days I just can’t do this, I am sitting screaming in my kitchen, playing music, typing, smoking a cigarette drinking a cup of tea my Son made for me hoping the Morphine knocks me back out

FUCK!

Yesterday was a blur, and thank you x

 

 

To say yesterday was a blur is the understatement of the week. The pain I remember being in around 3pm yesterday was horrific. Dawn called the Dr and within an hour I had Morphine in my system. I don’t know if anyone has had Morphine (Of course some have) but when it hits me, it truly is like getting punched in the back of the head and then a dizzy sick feeling for 10 minutes

Then relief. I remember last night after I took the Morphine in parts, I didn’t take a second doze I had tablets instead, looking back I should have taken more Morphine. I was up till 3 am then up again at about 10 am this morning. I just couldn’t get to sleep for pain. I have a double hospital bed for Dawn and I (And the kids and the dog) so I have all the home comforts to help.

My problem is I keep breaking bones, I keep fracturing the same bones, and bones won’t heal. I was worried and asked my Dr Few years back and they done tests “All part of Chronic Pain Syndrome” I was told. All the bones I have broken in my life, 20+ all feel broken as I type this. From fingers to wrists, shoulder bones, foot bones my ankles my legs and my knee and more. When I did sport I broke a lot of bones, now I pay for it badly

But I would just like to say thank you for all the kind messages I awoke to this morning and all the messages of “Go to sleep” from last night. You guys here really are TRUE extensions to my friends group I have in real life. Any of you on my face book will see my real friends don’t hang out sympathy, just mock me and give me stick, lol

Wouldn’t have it any other way. Also, my two sons, amazing help the last few days since I tore this knee up. Dawn was just AMAZING; she cares for her kids, deals with the house and also this idiot here. She looks after me real well and I am a very lucky boy to have her in my life. I awoke this morning , gave her the most passionate kiss I could muster up then said “Thank you” To everyone who has spoken to Dawn or friends who know Dawn, they will say the same, she is something else, what she puts up with me and my clown shoe ways is something

But the pain is here to stay for this lad (Me) no point looking for it to go, no point praying no more, no point wishing upon a star, this is it, I have accepted it, I did a long time ago, I just didn’t want to admit it. But as I approach 40 years old, ps: I have been approaching 40 years for years now, lol, I know the human body gets sore anyway, for all of us who have Chronic Pain in any form, we get sorer quicker and worse.

So feck it, I love my pain, it’s my friend, so I go with it I guess, smile, be happy, show and make love, care for my kids and family, do what all men do and try and be true to myself and be a decent chap

Thank you all, you are all friends I need in my life. Being here at the PC/Laptop most of the time, you are friends. There was a stigma “You only have on-line friends” but for me and many here, it is all we can have, and I am thankful for you all, truly. I have my real friends also, and this is a thank you from to you. If you reading this and left a comment of any kids last few days, thank you.

Dawn got thanked in a special way. I bought her flowers or, em, something x

A song about friendship and love and how to give a shit about others

Shaun’s Audio Blog – With “ADULT PICTURES”

The Wife!! Yeah! 

 

 

Right, this is ME talking, 15 minutes I rattle on for a bit. BE WARNED I added 200 or so RANDOM pictures with the Audio, some. VERY ADULT THEME!! Been warned.

Apart from that, someone will like it 2 minutes after I post a 15 minute audio blog. I hope you listen. It was just me talking RUBBISH 🙂 I am in AGONY and this is JUST A FUN BLOG.

Don’t like fun, then please DO NOT LISTEN. If anyone likes this before 10 minutes are up, I will name you. 🙂  SENSE OF HUMOUR NEEDED HERE!

I need to be blogging (Please, no sympathy, Medication speaking)

Tramadol, Dihydrocodeine (Strong Opiate) and Diazapam

 

18 Months ago I had a partial tear on my biceps femoris, the Hamstring, the tissue divides into two portions, which embrace the fibular collateral ligament of the knee-joint, this is where the tear happened, and when I did it back 18 months ago the back of my leg (Thigh) was red and purple and sore. I got told complete rest. Impossible to do so. As it got better, we bought a Labrador Dog and after 2 weeks he pulled me down a wet grassy hill late at night, I thought I heard a twig snap, it was something in and around my knee, after a scan I found out it was another tear to the Hamstring and also the tendon and ligament. It was agony, anyone who has done this will know the falling and knowing something is about snap, in the end we had to give Max the Lab away as he was too strong for me to walk, he pulled too hard while walking, I was gutted. Man’s best pal and all that

It has been playing up since we bought Tisha our new dog, she is small, brilliant and easier to walk, however the walking was causing pain to this area back and front of my knee, this is Tisha, a Staffordshire terrier, a brilliant dog and already part of the family. She causes us no bother. Sadly I walking her was weakened my knee, and this was me wearing a very expensive knee brace also. I was hurting, but I kept walking. She is a Gibson already and the kids love her, she knows I am in pain, I swear she knows lol

Last Saturday I was in my Local supermarket, Tesco and my knee just gave way as I was approaching the front door, about 30 people ran to my aid, and I was like “Feck off” out of sheer embarrassment for falling. I got up, got home, the knee was up like a coconut. Called the Dr, he just recommended adding more of what I have (Picture at the top) I had been coming off this poison well, now I am back to 10/12 tablets every 4 hours. Cold off and on also to help the swelling, without even looking at it!!

Arg

This is my Knee, it is red and swollen:

For the last few weeks I have held of blogging about a few things and speaking to people on Skype (AussieChick, Sorry x) because the pain has been so bad. I am meant to be getting slow release Morphine Patches today at 4pm today (2 hours from now or so) and I pray I get them. I hate taking Morphine period! But needs must here. I posted a picture last night of 9 tablets on my Facebook, I think and a few friends started debating between themselves, lol. One said it would knock him out. Well when you are in UTTER AGONY and a grown man head butting a tiled wall and punching walls to get the pain away from my knee, the pills really don’t knock you sideways, they actually take pain away when needed

So after thinking, I need to keep blogging. I don’t want any Drama or mockery; ok you can mock me 🙂 I just hate this pain, my family have been MORE than supportive and my friends also have helped Dawn with the kids and shopping and my sons have been amazing also. BUT, back came my old friend guilt. Now PLEASE don’t tell me to not feel guilty, I know I shouldn’t, there is NOTHING I can do about it, but feelings are feelings, emotions are emotions and I can’t help that. You all know me well enough now; I am as honest as they come. I do still intend to blog less, I really was blogging for the sake of it sometimes, but I love writing so why not? I been doing it near two years now, it has become a passion. But I will just blog less. I love so many people here for many differing reasons. And before this set of medication kicks in, I just want to say thank you to everyone for being super cool and trendy about all this. Some will say I am a Drama Queen, that is cool, some will say I want sympathy, this is also cool, some will just like, this is cool also, I know people. all good, lol

So I am going to blog, Dawn my partner has been at me to stop being a fool, her exact words were worse, she said “Shaun you are being a fool” No, wait, sorry, they were the same. SO feck it as the Irish would say, I am going to blog my heart out and I don’t care. It keeps my mind active. The Radio Show I want to start will take a back seat till this heals, as I can’t talk with these pills in me, lol. it would be the “Jakie Bastard Radio Show” Jakie means druggy here in Scotland

Thanks everyone for being  humans and not aliens and for not eating me

More love, less hate

Shaun

Ps: Yup, the medication is kicking in 🙂