I have done this once before, but I this is my blog and I am doing it again. To a Woman who just loves, cares and never judges. She is there for her kids and me. This is here job, this is how she see’s it. She never moans or gets annoyed or angry. She just “Loves” and helps. I wish I didn’t have to be like this, as she helps me too much, but that is what love is. We are not Married. Anyone on Facebook will see Dawn’s 2nd name, she is half Swedish, but born in the UK. Point I am making, we made the commitment and we see it through. That piece of paper means a lot to many, to Dawn and I, it means “A piece of paper” We love, we made the commitment, we had a family and we are happy.
A visual picture present to myself, from myself, give me this moment will ya lol, and don’t tell Dawn!!
40 eh, I remember my youth like it was, what? 30 years ago now.
It is that fresh in mind. See in my mind, I still feel 26, my body feels 86 with pain. Seriously. But I am starting to realise pain is pain. It is shit, but it will come with me on my life’s journey till my last breath, so I decided a while back to befriend the pain. Fuck all else for it 😀
Anyway, going to have a great day with the Dawn, the girls and Dean and Ryan. Food is planned, so it should be decent. In the meantime, you lot, smile ffs! Be happy and let all the shit bothering you go, live for now, live in the moment. Look at my blog page, Word Record Holder for “Moments Award” because I blog about Moments. This second, all the good times and bad. But the older you get (lol, I know, shut up let me finish, you are not reading anyway) you realise that shit is just going to get taken from you now and the pain is still going to be 24/7 pain for all the days from this to my last. So I decided a while back to be happy and decided to do something new and something exiting each day. Seems to be working.
I MUST HAVE DONE SOME SHIT RIGHT TO GET 13 OF THESE AND A SPECIAL MENTION ON MOMENTS MATTER! lol
You realising being unhappy and depressed TRULY is a state of mind and you can fight it. You realise slowly that you can, even in pain, a lot of pain, live still. It is hard, but so was Maths at School and here I am. I was never going to turn into a miserable old Bastard, and although I am only 40, I won’t turn into an old unhappy Fart. I am going to post my stupid picture blogs every day , I am going to have more fun and games with my 2 Daughters and keep as close to my sons as I am, and love Dawn as I always do. I am VERY BLESSED MAN YOU KNOW. People say “Ohhh that’s shyt Shaun, pain all day, it must drive you crazy” Yeah it does, and from time to time I will be down, but even at my lowest I still tell a joke or make Dawn or someone laugh with some crap saying or rambling talk about “How does the man who drives the snow plough get to work in the morning” You know, just questions that need asked. So unhappy is a choice, sometimes. We all have life events that will crush us, but we can still choose to smile an see the best side of shit that happens.
I urge you all to just fucking smile, love your family, love being alive, realise how lucky you are and how blessed you are also. See, it may be my Birthday, but I would like to take these paragraphs of text to deliver a Birthday message of hope, trust, loyalty, love, knowing I care as a friend to the people who need it, and know for the friends like one of my best mates I had a very funny phone call with earlier this evening, I will be for you all in your own way, people that laugh as hard as me and my Bud did on the phone earlier, to people that need cheered up. I promise I will do better, and be a better friend, so people online and offline and also a better Partner, Son, uncle, brother and Friend to everyone.
Anyway, back to bed, I got up for a cup of tea and some Paracetamol…. Love you all.
The Event was Dawn. I was 12; she was 10 years old when we met. She saw the violence, she seen me commit acts of violence, but she stayed by me, She seen something in me that was better than the angry young lad I was, this was when we were 16/18 years old when we were already parents. We never planned to be parents, but we can’t regret this.
Dean and Ryan outside their room
We had Dean (21 years old now) And Ryan who is 19 years old. We were young parents and throughout all this I was in and out of jail for serious crime. I said a few times I missed Dean and Ryan growing up, and how I did not want to miss a second of Courtney and Chloe growing up here just earlier: http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/5319/ I mean every word, I don’t want to miss a second this time round. Being in my late 30’s I believe in God and I am disabled badly with Chronic Pain Syndrome, I believe the pain I am in now is for the sins of my past, or the sins of my Father, but anyway.
Courtney and Chloe, just LOVE ’em
Dawn saved my life; we were friends for many years. Dawn was Posh, her family had money for the RIGHT REASONS, and I had money for the wrong reasons. So money was not her reason for wanting to change me. She seen something else, something I couldn’t and she didn’t give up, even though her Dad who is a nice guy I guess tried everything to pull his Daughter away from me. She kept seeing me; she sneaked out her house at 14 years old to see me. It was “Love at first sight” I remember I first seen her, and Dawn went on to do Magazine modelling, she just took my breath away, but it was her personality, the way she talked, her eyes, and more than captivated me. She thought my line was a chat up line. I said, after plucking up the courage for months, “I will spend the rest of my life with you” This is when we were say 13/15, And I knew I would, we still both go back to the exact spot I said it and just cuddle. I was going through Hell but it seemed like heaven looking back. I took a gamble one night, Dawn was going out with a lad, I kisser her DEEPLY in front of her boyfriend. I didn’t want to hurt the lad, I just wanted to make Dawn happy for life, we walked away with her boyfriend obviously unhappy and I said “I will be with you for the rest of my life” She smiled like it was some cheesy chat up line. Then I kissed her again, I remember it now, when I stopped kissing her, her eyes stayed closed for what seemed an eternity. She just said, “Don’t ever Hurt me” I replied “I wouldn’t know how to hurt you”
Dawn is my hero, my rock, my night my day, my light my dark, my reason and my reasoning, she is my thinking and my thoughts. The picture above is all she will allow me to post. It is a few years old, say 4/5 years old now, so I have to respect that. But it was just UTTER LOVE, I have only been in love once, I have never known another woman’s love. I have had sex with other woman before Dawn, but there was no love. Dawn was different, and she saved me. She just saved me. She stopped me being a criminal and helped turn me into love. She now cares for me every day with my pain. When I kiss her now It is like our first kiss, when I look into her eyes, it is like the first time I seen her, when we make love, it is like the first time. I try and explain we NEVER argue and nobody believes me, we don’t, we don’t even debate harshly, we are best friends to this day. We are friends first. She is a joy. And I am the luckiest man alive to have a woman who is just Amazing to me. She is courageous and brave for taking me; her Dad still doesn’t like me. I did an appalling thing last Christmas, I hit him. He hit me 4 times and I didn’t want to hit back, but the punch I gave him was 25 years in the making. He needs to understand I am a different guy now, I gave him 4 beautiful Grandkids and gave his daughter a life where she wants for nothing, and she is spoilt. She wants something, it’s hers, and there is no price I won’t pay for Dawn. You can’t buy love, but she has a brilliant life, she is happy. After I hit her Dad all the memories of me being a criminal came flooding back, I though “I have blown it here” But I walked in the house crying, she looked at me, cried and hugged me and said “It’s ok”
And things were ok, she spoke to get Dad and he said sorry for hitting me and all was ok. But I do regretted hitting him, He is an old man, but I am a disabled lad, when I get hit I don’t feel it as I am already in pain and on medication. Old Shaun appeared for a split second, but still, she understood, she didn’t hate me for it, I couldn’t and still don’t understand why. I mean I hit her Dad. She forgave me on the spot. And Dawn is the boss of this house, she has no need to ever fear me, after 30 years, she knows I would never harm her, not a hair on her head. I protect her. She gets hit on a lot when we are out, I just say “Fuck off” When the man/lad whoever realises who I am, 99.99% of the time, he will say sorry, only a handful of times, when we were younger did I have to throw a punch to protect her, but violence is not the answer. Neither Dawn or I drink any more or go up the town, we know it will just cause issues with both us getting hit on, so we leave it out. Besides in out mid/late 30’s, night clubs get boring. And I know all the owners, and we get offered VIP all the time, but nah, we are happy to keep it real. The life I led, I love home, but should Dawn want to go out with her friends, I worry she will get hit on, but I don’t worry about her trust. But she is free as a bird to fly and live. No Woman should be kept in a house like a prize. I go over this in my Guest blog dated at the top. A man should treat a woman with respect, always
I could go on and on and on, but Dawn saved me, and I like to think I gave her something no other man could. That will remain a secret between Dawn and me, but I give her things no other man can. I treat her like no other man can. I cry she likes this side of me. I am “Real” I am “Me” and from the age of 10 she seen this, and I think today she sees the same thing. A lost boy looking for something, because deep down I am still that lost boy, I am just in pain now. But I don’t let the pain come between us.
I love you sweetheart, thank you for everything, thank you for giving me sense, love, and tenderness and 4 kids. And you x
People say I share too much of my life and give too much away, but we are safe. This is what I still bring to the table here. Safety, I can protect them all, from anything. This is no brag or being all “Gangster” We are safe, I am not criminal any more, but I know many. They are friends, they know I would say fuck off if they asked me to be the old Shaun, so they don’t ask. Some are jealous of what I have, because they are just scum to be fair. But the safety I can offer my family is something else. Hard to explain. But it is there.
Sometimes I blog about pain and when I am down, and they are true, this page allows me to say what I feel and be true to myself. It is my corner of the world where I can just type what is on my mind without giving a shit who reads it. If my family read it (Hi By the way) so be it. This is my sanctuary now I am disabled with pain. But I guess my real sanctuary is in Dawns heart.
I always say a song, it’s with the Lyrics, this song says it all what Dawn did for me, the Lyrics are embedded in the song, I hope you get it, I kissed her in-front of her boyfriend to get her, “All is fair in love and War” 😉
The last few weeks have been real tough for many from Boston and Texas and other parts of the states, and also all over the world where we don’t always get the news or places where you just never get the news, shit things happen, and life sometimes can make you feel down, alone and depressed, I think most will identify with this, so I thought I would bring things into context, or try
Many who follow my blog 600 and rising, an amazing amount and I thank you all, I try and read as much as I can from you all and reply or like and at least try to show it is a 2 way street here on Word Press. I created this award, remember?
The Word Press Family Award
I am PROUD of this..
And here were my reasons:
“This is an award for everyone who is part of the “Word Press Family” I start this award on the basis that the Word Press family has taken me in, and showed me love and a caring side only Word Press can. The way people take a second to be nice, to answer a question and not make things a competition amazes me here. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honour to start this award”
And looking back, I just felt for all the awards and nice people here it would be fun to make an award, to watch it grow and see it on most people’s page just staggers me, I think “My award is all over” and have that sort of confused man look (Yeah ladies, you know the look) 🙂
I think sometimes we can all watch the news, read blogs and wish we had never, it is scary stuff. I wish sometimes I was 10 again, and all I had to worry about was “Do my jeans fit in here at School” you know, stupid stuff. As we grow and have a Home a family, bills, the bank of Dad appears and your life becomes a cycle of spending money on things that are not for you, reality sets in.
But, let me say, all the aguish and despair and hurt aside, Life is one amazing trip you know. I know many people here who are just blogging “Because” or who are in pain, show pictures, videos, people even make money, whatever your reasons for being here are, that the very fabric of this place here, and life, is LOVE
I live (Yawn, I know) in agony most days, it is hard, but I am TRULY blessed for my life, my family, my friends, the people in real life and online who believe in me and the love I get shown to the love I give back
Sometimes I look at the news and all the horror and think “I never see it in real life” Just on the news, it is someone else, I have wrote about this before and thought it for years, and like you all I have loved and lost and had times I would NOT DARE blog on here, things that have rocked my world. Murder in my own family being one of them, which is a blog I will never share, it hurts too much
But I live in my home, with my family and we visit (Not as much as I would like) and people visit us and my life is Amazing. Some say “My life is hard I have had enough” I think most of us or some of us have been there, but when the dust settles, we are left with love and a life.
I said in a blog once, “Had I never made all the mistakes I did and hate myself for, I would not have what I have today and be as happy as I am” Who else here can identify with this? Most I would guess? So we are all happy yeah? Love is our day our week our thoughts and our thinking. Individual acts of kindness keep the world going round.
Sometimes I stop and I look at the bad stuff, but as soon as the PC is off it is out of my mind, I am lucky I can do this, as not everyone can, many see things, read things and it has a profound effect on them when the PC is off. I ask, Dr’s and Nurse’s who work in a kids Hospital, how do they NOT take that heavy burden home with them at night? Do they just become immune to it and are able to switch off? I think this is the key, knowing when to “Switch Off” Many here say “You are on here all the time” Most are from the USA, and when you come online at say 6pm, it is 11pm here, so it is my “Pc Time” My PC is hardly used during the day, it is always on, my email is always open, and I am always downloading some new movie or sports show or podcast, whatever
I think LOVE is the best emotion we have; it gets us through our day, our week, the hard times and the disaster times. I am lucky, and many say to me “Shaun, you fall in shit and come out smelling of Roses” It is said off me often. I am that type, things just seem to go for me, it’s because I believe they will. Pain is just pain, sure it gets on my nerves and ruined my life, but through LOVE I reinvented myself, and made a NEW me and new way to live and I love my life. I really do
It is VERY EASY to read someone and get a false sense of them as they only blog through hard times or in hard times, but not every moment is hard. This week for example, my Daughter who is 4 this month asked me “Daddy, why is your leg always sore” I paused, I looked at her Mum, and said “Honey, Daddy just has a sore leg” This was all she needed to know, and she smiled, gave me a hug and went and argued with her sister over a crayon, I cried tears of joy, THAT WAS LOVE and a moment.
Life is moments of love, moments of truths, moments of caring, moments like what my nearly 4 year old Daughter did
Is life not just brilliant? Your life, my life, takes away the sadness and the stuff on the news and be “YOU” for a second, how lucky are we to have each other, to be able to say “I love you” or “I am thinking about you” or “I hope you are ok”
It takes REAL effort to be a bastard in this life; it takes seconds to be nice.
With love
More love, less hate
Your pal in a skirt
Shaun x
This is what we can become and where we can be, we have choice, and don’t forget it
prayingforoneday 