My Greatest story of love, the woman who saved my life

Dawn the non-model, just a mother, no make up..

 

When I told this story here http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/growing-up-with-a-criminal-family/ in the blog I said “An Event happened” and I was just asked by Mike over @ http://mustardseedbudget.wordpress.com/ what that Event was. I will be doing a 3,000 word guest blog for Melanie here http://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/ it will be published on July 2^nd at 8am Eastern Time USA

The Event was Dawn. I was 12; she was 10 years old when we met. She saw the violence, she seen me commit acts of violence, but she stayed by me, She seen something in me that was better than the angry young lad I was, this was when we were 16/18 years old when we were already parents. We never planned to be parents, but we can’t regret this.

Dean and Ryan outside their room

We had Dean (21 years old now) And Ryan who is 19 years old. We were young parents and throughout all this I was in and out of jail for serious crime. I said a few times I missed Dean and Ryan growing up, and how I did not want to miss a second of Courtney and Chloe growing up here just earlier:  http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/5319/ I mean every word, I don’t want to miss a second this time round. Being in my late 30’s I believe in God and I am disabled badly with Chronic Pain Syndrome, I believe the pain I am in now is for the sins of my past, or the sins of my Father, but anyway.

Courtney and Chloe, just LOVE ’em

Dawn saved my life; we were friends for many years. Dawn was Posh, her family had money for the RIGHT REASONS, and I had money for the wrong reasons. So money was not her reason for wanting to change me. She seen something else, something I couldn’t and she didn’t give up, even though her Dad who is a nice guy I guess tried everything to pull his Daughter away from me. She kept seeing me; she sneaked out her house at 14 years old to see me. It was “Love at first sight” I remember I first seen her, and Dawn went on to do Magazine modelling, she just took my breath away, but it was her personality, the way she talked, her eyes, and more than captivated me. She thought my line was a chat up line. I said, after plucking up the courage for months, “I will spend the rest of my life with you” This is when we were say 13/15, And I knew I would, we still both go back to the exact spot I said it and just cuddle. I was going through Hell but it seemed like heaven looking back. I took a gamble one night, Dawn was going out with a lad, I kisser her DEEPLY in front of her boyfriend. I didn’t want to hurt the lad, I just wanted to make Dawn happy for life, we walked away with her boyfriend obviously unhappy and I said “I will be with you for the rest of my life” She smiled like it was some cheesy chat up line. Then I kissed her again, I remember it now, when I stopped kissing her, her eyes stayed closed for what seemed an eternity. She just said, “Don’t ever Hurt me” I replied “I wouldn’t know how to hurt you”

Dawn is my hero, my rock, my night my day, my light my dark, my reason and my reasoning, she is my thinking and my thoughts. The picture above is all she will allow me to post. It is a few years old, say 4/5 years old now, so I have to respect that. But it was just UTTER LOVE, I have only been in love once, I have never known another woman’s love. I have had sex with other woman before Dawn, but there was no love. Dawn was different, and she saved me. She just saved me. She stopped me being a criminal and helped turn me into love. She now cares for me every day with my pain. When I kiss her now It is like our first kiss, when I look into her eyes, it is like the first time I seen her, when we make love, it is like the first time. I try and explain we NEVER argue and nobody believes me, we don’t, we don’t even debate harshly, we are best friends to this day. We are friends first. She is a joy. And I am the luckiest man alive to have a woman who is just Amazing to me. She is courageous and brave for taking me; her Dad still doesn’t like me. I did an appalling thing last Christmas, I hit him. He hit me 4 times and I didn’t want to hit back, but the punch I gave him was 25 years in the making. He needs to understand I am a different guy now, I gave him 4 beautiful Grandkids and gave his daughter a life where she wants for nothing, and she is spoilt. She wants something, it’s hers, and there is no price I won’t pay for Dawn. You can’t buy love, but she has a brilliant life, she is happy. After I hit her Dad all the memories of me being a criminal came flooding back, I though “I have blown it here” But I walked in the house crying, she looked at me, cried and hugged me and said “It’s ok”

And things were ok, she spoke to get Dad and he said sorry for hitting me and all was ok. But I do regretted hitting him, He is an old man, but I am a disabled lad, when I get hit I don’t feel it as I am already in pain and on medication. Old Shaun appeared for a split second, but still, she understood, she didn’t hate me for it, I couldn’t and still don’t understand why. I mean I hit her Dad. She forgave me on the spot. And Dawn is the boss of this house, she has no need to ever fear me, after 30 years, she knows I would never harm her, not a hair on her head. I protect her. She gets hit on a lot when we are out, I just say “Fuck off” When the man/lad whoever realises who I am, 99.99% of the time, he will say sorry, only a handful of times, when we were younger did I have to throw a punch to protect her, but violence is not the answer. Neither Dawn or I drink any more or go up the town, we know it will just cause issues with both us getting hit on, so we leave it out. Besides in out mid/late 30’s, night clubs get boring. And I know all the owners, and we get offered VIP all the time, but nah, we are happy to keep it real. The life I led, I love home, but should Dawn want to go out with her friends, I worry she will get hit on, but I don’t worry about her trust. But she is free as a bird to fly and live. No Woman should be kept in a house like a prize. I go over this in my Guest blog dated at the top. A man should treat a woman with respect, always

I could go on and on and on, but Dawn saved me, and I like to think I gave her something no other man could. That will remain a secret between Dawn and me, but I give her things no other man can. I treat her like no other man can. I cry she likes this side of me. I am “Real” I am “Me” and from the age of 10 she seen this, and I think today she sees the same thing. A lost boy looking for something, because deep down I am still that lost boy, I am just in pain now. But I don’t let the pain come between us.

I love you sweetheart, thank you for everything, thank you for giving me sense, love, and tenderness and 4 kids. And you x

People say I share too much of my life and give too much away, but we are safe. This is what I still bring to the table here. Safety, I can protect them all, from anything. This is no brag or being all “Gangster” We are safe, I am not criminal any more, but I know many. They are friends, they know I would say fuck off if they asked me to be the old Shaun, so they don’t ask. Some are jealous of what I have, because they are just scum to be fair. But the safety I can offer my family is something else. Hard to explain. But it is there. 

Sometimes I blog about pain and when I am down, and they are true, this page allows me to say what I feel and be true to myself. It is my corner of the world where I can just type what is on my mind without giving a shit who reads it. If my family read it (Hi By the way) so be it. This is my sanctuary now I am disabled with pain. But I guess my real sanctuary is in Dawns heart.

I always say a song, it’s with the Lyrics, this song says it all what Dawn did for me, the Lyrics are embedded in the song, I hope you get it, I kissed her in-front of her boyfriend to get her, “All is fair in love and War” 😉

God, Give the American people a break

Give them some light God

 

 

I said I would not blog again, as I was  running out of things to say, and reminding myself about my pain was making my pain worse. I did say I would stick around, and not delete my blog. I guess if I have a blog I want to do I will break my own rules..

What the people of America have been through since the year 2000 is unfair and unjust, one bad event after another, the last year or so has been unreal, so much hurt, so much pain, so many tears, shared over the pond with me and many more.

I can only send my prayers and love to you all over there, kids dying in these events are horrendous and when you have kids of your own it hits home worse. I JUST hugged my kids tighter tonight, just 20 minutes ago when I tucked them into bed. Men and Woman dying also

I will ask God, PLEASE GIVE THESE PEOPLE A BREAK!! I am begging God, they have had enough. If this is your will, then so be it. If you are real God, then millions of people are right now asking you please give the people of America a break, it seems you just give more pain to my American brothers and sisters. Why? Why Worldwide also?

I will leave my comments there, I have been watching the news and am now and the pictures online also, they bring tears and pain, we ALL pray kids are still alive in that School. We all pray more good stories appear in the coming hours. I am sitting watching Sky News and they are showing this EF5 (Confirmed) Tornado forming, this thing was an ANIMAL..

God, please, listen to our prayers, and give America a break

Scotland prays with America x

I pray to God to be Daddy

Having little 2 little girls, as me  and partner did, 4 years ago on Saturday for my oldest Daughter Courtney and 3 years at the end of July for my youngest Daughter Chloe was an amazing thing, the love these 2 bundles of joy have given us all has been nothing short of a miracle

They have both taught me more about myself, life and love than any 2 little people could ever do. Only something a Daddy could know. I have done a few blogs on Mums lately, and it got me thinking. I suffer from Chronic Pain Syndrome and it hurts me badly inside I can’t be Daddy all the time. I feel like old frail Granddad some days. I am in so much pain I just can’t play the throwing up in the air game at all and if I try the whole family worries, so I had to stop, the medication I am trying to stop, period, does not help, when on full medication Daddy is not Daddy, he hides away in shame

I can hold them and cuddle them, but little girls want to be throw in the air by Daddy and run at Daddy and jump on him. Some days I let them run all over me and jump on me and use me as a trampoline and a punching bag, it leaves me in pain, but a good pain, a worthwhile pain

Not being able to be Daddy destroys me to my core and upsets me more than the pain I suffer on a daily basis. The thought of “Were we right to have two babies” has came into our thoughts, but we didn’t know the pain was going to get as bad, and we rubbish this thought quicker than it entered our heads. I am speaking about Mummy and I here, I would not change a thing, and I just pray every day that god takes my pain so I can be Daddy, why doesn’t he answer? It is his will on me? Is he testing me? I have been tested, I beg you God, let me be Daddy before they become too old to want to be thrown in the air, I beg you God, I hope you can hear me, I ask every day, maybe tomorrow?

The more I sit here upset the more I want to just be Daddy and go through the pain, and I do some days, I just think “To hell with this” and let them hurt my body. They are 2 and 4 years old, they don’t understand Daddy is sore; my 4 year old is starting to notice things. They can’t pray to God, so here I am God. I am pleading with you to take my pain away so two little princess girls can play with Daddy, in the same way their friends can. Will you answer my call on their behalf? I will ask tomorrow.

I am thankful for having them in my life, for the joy they bring, for the light they bring to my darkness for the care they give me when they cuddle into Daddy to watch the Smurfs. I am thankful for all the moments I have had and will have, but I just want to be regular Daddy. I have had Dawn and many more tell me I am, but I don’t feel so. I get told not to be silly, I don’t think I am being silly.

I love as much as a person could, believe me on this one, I care as much as a person could, believe me. I pray sometimes and ask God to keep all my kids fit and healthy. They are loved, they get attention and all their grandparents spoil them also, as do their big brothers with their little sisters

But I want to be more than the Daddy I am, so for now,  I will smile and be thankful for the blessings that I have. I say this often when I blog like this that Guilt follows. Some have lost their kids, I have mine, so I feel guilty for wanting a little more. Guilt comes to many people who have Pain in the way I have. I speak to hundreds who have this or Fibro and the constant theme is one of guilt. We moan while others have more to moan about or have less than we do

But I think to sum up here, being in pain, having a messed up mind, being on medication that could knock out a giraffe is hard. But others I know have it worse, so again with the guilt. I don’t want pity, I know God won’t answer my prayers today or tomorrow, I know I will never be able to throw them in the air, I have accepted it. By accepting this, I hurt myself, I get all sensitive and in touch with my feminine side I am told. But we all have a heart, I use mine. I just want more. Am I being greedy? Should I feel guilty and frown? Some days I know the answer, some days I don’t.

But, they will always be Daddy’s little girls x

 

Playing For Change – Connecting The World Through Music

http://playingforchange.com

 

The Playing For Change Band’s 2012 “Back to Our Roots” Tour hits the road this summer throughout Europe and Brazil. Grandpa Elliott has his passport ready and harmonicas in his pockets. One thing I know for sure is that wherever Grandpa Elliott goes, the roots follow. I’ve known Grandpa for many years and he is the King of Conviction. Whenever and wherever he performs he gives it everything he has, and brings so much soul and emotion to every note and every word. The PFC Band feeds off of his spirit, and together with the audience we create a better world, a place where we are going to make it as a human race. Sometimes the music is all we need to be set free. Grandpa may be a blind man, but he sees the light.

For example, check out this live video of  “A Change Is Gonna Come” from Folsom, CA. When I watch and listen to this performance I have no doubt that a change is coming and that with music we will all persevere.

There is so much diversity and talent in this band, and together on the stage they create music that breaks down walls and builds bridges. Don’t miss a chance to see Grandpa and the band live this summer and celebrate the “Back to Our Roots” Tour with your PFC Family!!

Playing for change is something I have been more than aware of for a long time. The feel of it captures me and anyone I show it to. The meaning is as it says “Playing for change” To try and change our world. Some of the videos are more than amazing, people from all over the globe playing instruments of all shapes and sizes and people singing from all corners of the world. All with one common goal, “Change” On here I took part in “Blogging for change” When I see something that has roots to change our world, I am “IN THERE” in a big way, same as me doing a blog here and there for http://www.masterpeace.org

Change is change, and any change moving forward is a good one. Sadly these movements never get far as people think “Waste of time” I have heard this so many times. So I ask, do we give up? So we forget our world is heading to a big white flash? Are some happy the end of days is upon us and have accepted it and say “Why bother” Well let’s put it into context. The people who rule and ruin this planet make up about 1%, the rest of us; the 99% ARE THE VOICE. In one day, we could all stand up and say “No” These are what these movements are all about, but there is so much apathy when it comes to “Change” We all want it, but not enough really want it, that badly to do something about. Hey, I used to do the same.

So playing for change, same as “Bloggers for peace” is the same thing, just different ways. Add your voice, do a blog, get in touch, you need spend no money. When I see these things the first thing I look for is “Please enter your Credit card details here” All I am doing is sharing music, beautiful music, sang by people of all races, creeds colours and cultures. The people who actually do the sound, the singing and more are from all over the planet, from the USA to South Africa, to Africa, to Russia, India, Australia, Israel, and Iran and all over Europe and South America and anywhere else you want to mention. This is a GLOBAL movement, so jump in. Here are some songs, free to listen to, that should kick start some people into wanting to spread this word. Many are quick to spread their word on this earth, maybe we all should spread other, new words?  I will let you listen and you decide.

One Love 

War/No More Trouble

What a Wonderful World

Sittin’ On The Dock Of The Bay

Stand by me 

Imagine 

Redemption Song

Don’t Worry

Gimme Shelter

One Love, One World, One Peace…………

I Refuse to grow up, here is why

I SHALL!!

 

When your a kid growing up you wonder what it is like to be a “grownup” I did, I remember being 8 or so, I was in primary 3 or something, my third year at proper school for anyone in the world who has a different way of being or going to school

And as I am a parent now (My blog a few down about letting go) I have to teach my kids about growing up, and it sucks, badly. I am a Man-Child, I point blank REFUSE to grow up. My last blog and the picture in this blog, kind of proves my point

As a child you worry about, well, Scooby Doo! As an adult you have, electricity bills, gas bills, petrol bills, bills for TV, bills for breathing and bills to pass wind, or so it seems, I pay bills for things I don’t even know what they are, something my partner did perhaps? I don’t know, I just pay it, so on the principle that growing up sucks, I hereby refuse to on grounds it is not fun!

So, I am not growing up, I am still going to be goofy and childish and if you do happen to want me, I will be in the fort I built above with my invisible friend Alan colouring in last nights evening news

So there!

Thanks

Shaun

I have no idea what this is, but Alan and I want one each, in Green!!!

A Letter from God – Rev. Eddie Tatro

Below is a letter sent to me a very special friend I have from America, his Name is Eddie, and he is Priest and a Bishop. He asked me to blog this for him, and I keep promises to friends. I have no idea what the origins of this letter are, I have read it and it meant something to me, but there are many people out there who will take new and different meaning from this letter. The origins of the letter, I really don’t know. I blog it in the hope that others find a message or it helps someone. The message I got from the letter is, love and faith and trust among many emotions. Please read the “Letter from God” and take it for what you see it for. And if you want to comment on the letter, the content or the blog, please leave a comment below. Another message I got is, we all should love, no matter who or why. I say often “More love, Less hate” and this is to everyone. As I grow I sense God myself, and I walk my own road, I find my own path, the journey may be a long one, but I will not be walking it alone. From time to time, there will be only one set of footprints in the sand, and I know I am not alone.

Shaun x

———

My dear children, and believe me, that is all of you, I consider myself a pretty patient guy.  I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right.  And about evolution?  Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place cell by cell and gene by gene.

And I have been patient through your fashions, your civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways that you take me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again.  I want to let you know about some of the things that started ticking me off.  First of all, your religious rivalries are driving me up a wall.  Enough already!  Let’s get one thing straight.  These are your religions, not mine.  I’m the whole enchilada.  I’m beyond ‘em all.  Every one of your religions claims that there’s only one of me, which, by the way, is absolutely true, but in the very next breath each religion claims that it’s my favorite one.  And each claims its bible was written personally by me, and that all of the other bibles are man-made.  Oh, Me.  How do I ever begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense?

All right, listen up now.  I am your Father and Mother, and I don’t play favorites among my children.

Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t write.  My longhand is awful, and I’ve always been more of a doer anyway.  So ALL of your books, including those bibles, were written by men and women.  They were inspired men and women, they were remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there.  And I made sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word rather than your own living heart.

You see, one human being to me — even a bum on the street — is worth more than all of the holy books in the world.  That’s just the kind of a guy I am.  My spirit is not an historical thing.  It’s alive right now, right now, as fresh as your next breath.  Holy books and religious rites are sacred and powerful, but they are not more so than the least of you.  They were only meant to steer you in the right direction, not to keep you arguing with each other, and certainly not to keep you from trusting your own personal connection with me.

This brings me to my next point about your nonsense.  You act like I need you and your religions to stick up for me or win souls for my sake.  Please, don’t do me any favors.  I can stand quite well on my own, thank you.  I don’t need you to defend Me, I don’t need constant credit.  I just want you to be good to each other.

And another thing.  I don’t get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging my name into your dramas.  For example, I swear to me that I never threatened Oral Roberts.  I never rode is any of Rajneesh’s Rolls Royces and I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I have never had a conversation with Jim Bakker, Jerry Falwell or Jimmy Swaggart.  Of course, come Judgment Day, I certainly intend to.

Now the thing is I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of a loyalty pledge to me.  The true purpose of religion is so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way around.  Believe Me, I know you already.  I know what’s in each of your hearts, and I love you anyway with no strings attached.  So, lighten up and enjoy me.  That’s what religions best for.

What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am.  You look at the petty differences in your scriptures and you say, “Well, if this is the truth, then that can’t be.”  But instead of trying to figure out my paradoxes and unfathomable nature — which, by the way, you never will — why not open your hearts to the simple, common threads of every religion?  You know what I’m talking about.  Play nice with each other.  Love and respect everyone.  Be kind.  Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage and be of good cheer, for I’m always with you.

And learn how to be quiet, so that you can hear my still, small voice.  I don’t like to shout.  Leave the world a better place by living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are my own child.  Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that can die surely will, and the parts that can’t, won’t.  So don’t worry, be happy.  (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but who gave it to him in the first place?)

Simple stuff now.  Why do you keep making it so complicated?  It’s like you’re always looking for an excuse to be upset.  And I am very tired of being your main excuse.  Do you think whether you call Me God, or Yahweh, or Jehovah, Allah, Wakatonka, Brahma, Father, Mother, even the Void of Nirvana?  Do you think I care which of My Special Children you feel closest to — Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others?  You can call me and My Special Ones any names you choose, if only you will go about my business of loving one another as I love you.  How can you keep neglecting something so simple?

No, I am not telling you to abandon your religions.  Enjoy your religions, honor them, and learn from them, just as you should enjoy, honor, and learn from your parents.  But do you walk around telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs?  Your religion, like your parents, may always have the most special place in your heart.  I don’t mind that at all.  And I don’t want you to combine all of the great traditions into One Big Mess.  Each religion is unique for a reason.  Each has a unique style so that people can find the best path for themselves.  But My Special Children — the ones that your religions revolve around — all live in the same place in my heart, and they get along perfectly, I assure you.

The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none.  My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown too small for your pervasive religious bigotries and confusion.  The whole planet is now connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax machines, rock concerts, diseases and mutual needs and concerns.  Get with the program!  If you really want to help me celebrate the birthday of My Son Jesus, then commit yourselves to figuring out how to feed your hungry and clothe your naked, and protect your abused and shelter your poor.  And just as important, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and good humor.  I’ve given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each other and begin living, and loving and laughing together.

Now, I am not really ticked off.  Not really.  I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer.  But I gave you free will, so what can I do now other than try to influence you through reason, persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt and manipulation?

After all, you know I am the original Jewish Mother.  I just want you to be happy, and I’ll sit in the dark.  I really am with you always.  Always.  Trust in Me.

Your One and Only, God

——–

Follow me on Twitter @ShaunGibson67

Speak to me on Skype, Username ShaunGibson1888