Depression came to my life as a very young man, I think I was around 19 or 20 years old, being so young, having a carefree life, before where I was king of my world, this new “Emotion” hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea what it was at first. I had just came out of jail for the last time in my life, I had sorted myself out and decided I needed to live for Dawn and my sons who were 4 and 2 years old or so at the time. I had to deliver for them, so I put my criminal past behind me, I told people to fuck off, I told family I wasn’t going to be that lad any more, I was leaving to spend my life with Dawn, the woman who saved my life. I did a blog here for Mel, it was a guest blog, it explains more of what I am saying here http://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/murder-and-more-through-the-eyes-of-a-child/ Dawn showed me a life I did not know existed, so I choose life, I chose the 3 piece suit and matching luggage and hire purchase and playing with the kids on a Sunday, see before I had chosen something else, back then I chose life. I am paraphrasing a movie made in the city I live in, Trainspotting, great movie, please watch it if you can, as my story is similar
So depression came to me the second I decided to be a Husband and a Father and say no to Guns, Drugs and Crime. I didn’t understand, I was doing the right thing, and I felt bad. There were times the depression was so bad I felt like being old Shaun again, just to feel better, but I stayed strong, and through speaking to family, friends, and Dawn I came through the other end every time the depression came. It was a dark cloud that would consume my whole mind and I hated it, it scared me to death, I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to be violent, so I decided to do what I am doing here and that is speak about it. See I noticed when I bottled the darkness up within it just got darker, but the second I said “Dawn, I feel sad and scared” was the second I felt release, or close to release.
So don’t sit and suffer in silence, for some there will be no cure, there will be times when the darkness still comes, but you can control it. Still now when my pain is high the darkness can come, but I can dull it and my depression is no longer a clinical illness, it is something that comes sometimes when the pain traps me in a state of non-human being state, this is how I describe what the pain does to me, it makes me non human, it turns me into something else, when this happens I hide away, I stick on the headset and listen to music in my place in the house where I know nobody can see me or bother me. That sounds harsh I know, but I don’t want my family to see my like that, they understand, so I hide. So I am not all the way there yet, but what I am is close. The pain is a different blog, this isn’t an article about pain, and this is one about depression and how it came to my life after leaving a life of crime and becoming a good person, to this day I still ask this question “Why when I stopped being a bastard did the demons come” but just typing it there, I see it, it was perhaps guilt, guilt for the people I hurt, the people I angered, and all the bad things I did. The only person I never hurt was my angel Dawn; she was and still is my life, my thoughts and my prayers and more. She levels me, she takes my heart and fills it with joy and hope and I have never known a woman to encourage as much as her, she just smiles and say’s “It will be ok” and in reality, it always will be. Even in the worst of moments, things are always ok. We will all meet our maker, we will have health challenges, like mine now, but we can overcome anything if we choose to do so, we have choice, once we realise this, life becomes a little easier, choice is ALWAYS there, there ARE other options, we just need to understand they exist and we can change and do better for ourselves. As it says above, living with depression is a strength, if you are here, reading this, and have been living with depression for years, then realise how strong you are to have came through all this. YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON, so give yourself some credit, you are here, breathing, and living. Sometimes the chemical release making some depressed and only medication can help, so sometimes there is very little some people can do, but I was that “Some Person” once and I fought from the darkness and into the light and achieved, like this http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/08/the-football-story-i-never-told/ I came from being a criminal, to depression to creating moments and memories for kids and adults, my family and myself, I am living proof that we can change, don’t allow ANYONE to put you down an tell you that you can’t, I became home and change for others. Many know my story in real life, and they know what I am life, it is ALL or NOTHING for me. I excell in what I do, be it football or whatever, I do well, because I demand it from myself, this self taught way I gave to myself works, the blog above is the proof. I created moments for kids, adults and myself, moments 20 years ago I never thought possible. Leading 15 year old kids out in a Soccer stadium with 4,000 people in it was the moment I realised any dream is possible, so keep believing, keep dreaming and never give up, EVER!
I chose life, don’t choose something else
More love, less hate
Shaun
prayingforoneday 