Worst Pain Ever Today – I am almost done

 

I am almost fucking done; I have been in so much pain today I just want to go to sleep. I have been awake around 18 hours now, I had 10mg of Morphine, took most of the pain away but not enough to knock me out.

My spine, my ribs, my hip especially where I put the arrow, my hamstring is BURNING and I feel sick, have done all day. I am really at the stage where I just want knocked out for a few days, a mate was just down visiting he seen the pain I was in, I asked him to hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat, he laughed I never, this is fucking outrageous, unfair and for anyone scamming the Government with pretend pain, I hope you all get caught, sorry, just the mood I am in

I am barking at people, (Nobody in my house) I lay in bed WASTED on Morphine re-watching World War Z, finished watching it and done the blog below then took more Morphine that will kick in roughly 5 minutes from now. I feel every bone in my body is like it is twisted or on fire, my right hip and entire left knee are in total spasm, and the pain is DESTROYING ME

It is my Daughter’s birthday in a few days and I just know I am going to have to wear the pain mask all day again, I appreciate people when they say “I pray for you” but right now, I know, you know and everyone knows praying WILL NOT take my pain away. This is pain typing here; this is medication kicking in typing here. If you are offended I am sorry, but all the prayer on EARTH will do nothing for me right this very second. I am not blaming God, I am saying “Praying for this moment to pass is a waste of time” It is getting worse. I can’t go to the hospital  as they will do nothing, all the medication they have to give me, I have in my cabinet on my Kitchen wall above my sink.

I can’t and won’t take this pain any more; I am in a very selfish place right now

Been here before, and I don’t like it. In-fact been here almost 15 years, I don’t like me when I am like this, I snap at people, never Dawn for the kids. And no matter where I sit, lay down, hang from, bath, shower, even drive fast at 150mph, the pain stays. I am near the end of a rope here. I truly am, the dark cloud has arrived, there are no answers, there is no help, no medication will help, I can”t fall asleep, I am wasting away going from chair to chair, from room to room. I can’e keep doing this, I would love 1 minute with a man who said I faked my pain about 18 months ago, just 1 minute. I know, you know this isn’t me speaking, this is all out pain, depression and suffering typing. it took me a while as I can hardly see the screen as I am seeing double with being tired, I just can’t sleep, I tried, I can’t take a sleeping tablet when I have had Morphine

If I was a horse I would have been shot in the head already

FUCK!

Then what

I could take a life (I am not being serious)

Fucking hell!!

I will give anyone £5,000, a dog, and a pack of playing cards for a left knee…

 

 

Having Chronic Pain/Fibro for me is a living firkin nightmare. I was awake till, I think 4am, went to bed, feel asleep right away then I awoke at 8:30am, 4 and a half hours later with my knee in agony, with it well strapped up. It is stuck in the straight position because of the chipped bone in my knee but the pain this morning was just ridiculous. I feel like chopping my own leg off today, really the title is just for fun, but I can’t get this operated on, the knee is GONE! In terms of being able to function but the tendons, ligament and nerve endings are all ripped and hanging where they should not be.  If they go ahead and give me a replacement knee (Picture of one below) they also have to fix tendons, ligaments, nerve endings and reattach my left hand side hamstring to the knee. I am told if I get the replacement it is like 60/40 AGAINST it working.

This is as close as I could Google as to what I was offered

So I said no, now that I am 40 years old (OH DEARY ME) the body naturally  starts to get aches and pains anyway, just part of getting old, with Chronic Pain/Fibromyalgia all that means to me, I can’t speak for anyone else is it makes any pain I do have amplify x100 in terms of “AWWW” Factor. I am tempted to say “Replace the knee” but if it goes wrong, I may lost the knee altogether and be left with a straight leg for the rest of my puff (Sorry, that means Life in Scotlandshire) and I say to hell with THAT!

Options are limited, the pain team are scratching their heads with me, I am never ill, last time I was like aged 24, I was in bed with tonsillitis for two days, Dr’s say I am a living enigma to science,  I took this as a joke and laughed, then worried when they never laughed back, I quickly forgot about it and told myself they were just busy and had no time for fun or jokes, even with the patient they are dealing with is in a paranoid state about his worry if he will lose a part of his body a shiny piece of metal hammered in with a hammer. The thought is just swell

 

I always try and remain upbeat and have fun in the face of life and the crap it throws at us all, so I will leave you with a funny picture.

What would we do?

This word “Sleep” I hear about..

ME ^^

6am Blog! Don’t YOU DARE give us sympathy!! We just want normal, whatever that is!!

So I remember in a world far, far away I used to sleep like normal people. Like 10pm till 8am. I don’t know if it was a dream though. Perhaps it was, so if that is the case I have never had a sleeping pattern to shout about or be proud with, if it was my own doing, this was 20 years ago now, time to let that story go..

This Chronic Pain comes with a NEW AND IMPROVED Chronic Insomnia and it really is a brilliant version this one. I had this disease now around 14 years, as you get old, your body hurts a little anyway, we all know this, part of getting older (Not old, I am not old)

So I have this thing, I call it the 5 and 3 plan.  It came free with this house I am in. I go 5 days up for a day, 3 days with a bit of both, then 5 days sleeping with everyone else in the GMT time zone. I talk to my Dr about it and he looks at me as if I just farted, he doesn’t care. He gave me these sleeping pills. Real good he said. They are called “Diazepam” Now for anyone else in the Human populous, these would work.  Sadly this Dr failed to realise I take 8 of these day as it is on a bad day. 3 on a good day, they were as useful as a fart in a spacesuit

So to all my fellow Chronic Pain/Fibro buddies I have here and on Face book now, how do you cope. Just because I am bored and can’t sleep, how do you all arrange day to day simple things like we used to be able to, like, going to the toilet, the shops, you know, things that are now nearly impossible, knowing this strange word called Sleep will come and ruin your day or week

Take this week, I have a Funeral to attend to pay my Respects to someone, I will be there, come hell or high water (I don’t know what that means) But in order for me to me there, It will take 3 days of planning. I know many say the same. In-fact hundreds do. We can’t plan things. We don’t know if we are going to be able to walk, never mind sleep. At present I have a partial tear to my Hamstring. To a normal person, they could work around it. But for us Pain people. Our brain tells us it is 100X worse, and it feels 1000x times worse, therefore no sleep.

Take the last week. I think I had 3 whole days awake, then 1 whole day asleep. See what grinds my balls with this is. My family in the house, Dawn and my two sons are just used to it; they know how much being in pain pisses me off. 24/7 all over body toothache. But other members of my family ‘Yeah some know what is coming here” They don’t get it. We pain people often think Death would be better than what we have to deal with. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but I don’t know, sorry, have spoken to anyone with Chronic Pain/Fibro who hasn’t at least had this thought flash across their brain for at least a Mile-second. They call it the “Devils Invisible Disability” and for good reason, as it is invisible, and nobody believes you have it, apart from the people at the Hospital who can map our brain waves

So, sleep, how much of an impact does it have on your day, your week, your life

Let’s hear it.

Shaun