Message here? Think for yourself in life, and NO disrespect to anyone
Tag Archives: Dad
I miss my Dad
My Dad, aged 66!
The Man in the picture above is my Father, my best mate, my soul mate (In Scotland, soul mates don’t mean lovers or partners) he is my phone call when I need to make on, he is there when I am down, he is there when I am happy, he allows me to cry when I am sad
I will never see him again, my Daughters will never know “Gaga” as all the other 10 Grand Kids call him, still some are aged 20+ they call him Gaga. Circumstances out of both our control mean we can’t see each other ever again. I cry about it, whe speak every day on the phone for hours, we speak about everything, we speak about the past when he was the main man in Edinburgh and ran the City in his Criminal empire, we talk about how now he fosters kids and how he is no longer an angry man, this was my Dad when he was bad lad.
You just didn’t fuck with him, strangers who did, paid. Wrong, he knows it now. But the way it was..
I said to him a few weeks ago “Your anger was just misplaced passion” He started to cry, he is a strong man, he is Hundreds of miles away on an Island, away out the way of society, a society he once ruled and owned. He still would kill, i know he would. Should someone hurt me, my Brothers of Sisters, or the Grandkids or our Partners, he would pick the phone up and get someone murdered. I am guess of course, and perhaps joking, but he still holds this Authority in Edinburgh.
He was well known, but your average man on the street didn’t know him, he was VERY CLEVER, he let idiots do his work and make his money back 30/40/50 years ago. He never brought trouble to our home apart from the trouble he caused. Logic (I hate that word) should tell me to hate him, but He is happy and Mother is happy, so life and people have moved on. He showered me with love, I was his youngest Son, big thigns were expected from me and I left the family to chase my love for Dawn and my Football dream.
http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/08/the-football-story-i-never-told/
Had I been anyone else I would not have been allowed to walk away, this is the rule. He said at the time “You go take on the World” He said other things, he was almost hurt, but he didn’t want me to be him, as I was trying to be, so I think deep down he was happy I choose another path that didn’t lead to blood or jail.
I just need to tell the World about a man I love so much, I pine for in my life, I won’t see again, my Son’s know and miss him, my Daughter will know about him when they are older. He is 67 fit as a fiddle, still looks 50 year old, people call him Peter Pan, and in the Photo above you can see why. I am his double people say, but he is my Dad. I have to avoid people to this day because I am his son, but being his son gives me 24/7 protection in my daily life (Hard to explain and I won’t)
Patrick @ http://pifuk67.wordpress.com once posted this for his Dad, Patrick I hope I can post this, I know you won’t mind.
This is for you Dad “Auld Yin, Old One” as we call him 🙂
My love for you will never leave this body, you made me who I am by allowing me to move on, I am thankful for your advice and you allowing me to walk. And for being an amazing Gaga to my sons and for loving Dawn also. I miss you Dad…
Just one last things, 2 year ago, we all visited..
My Dad, he took me a 10 mile walk a few years back, nearly killed me!
THE TOTALLY AMAZING GET READY FOR THE WEEKEND FUN PICTURE BLOG!
How True!
THIS HAPPENS TO ME EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! We Dad’s deserve better!
Great Bloggers/Friends #4 – Patrick @ PERSPECTIVES (Dementia Alzheimer’s)
Number 4 on Blogger friends here. Before I have told you about
I now want to introduce you all to a very brave but funny lad, who lives on the same island as me, the UK. Patrick, here is his blog for you to follow, http://pifuk67.wordpress.com he is a brilliant lad, we have spoken on Skype once or twice, we always keep in touch and when one of us is down, and we will be there and just keep the other’s head up. Patrick’s Dad suffers from Dementia/Alzheimer’s and Patrick is a full time care for his Dad. He is honest, caring, but like anyone dealing with a loved one with this horrible disease, almost at the end of his rope, and if you all knew him as a friend, Patrick, and get to know his story, you would understand. Patrick is one of the most caring lads I know; his heart is as big as it caring. I did a blog earlier today about how we cope with pain; this is what Patrick had to say, this was just an hour or so ago on my blog
Dealing with pain, a difficult subject. I do not suffer a physical pain but a mental and emotional one of being a carer for a family member. It’s a 24/7/365 kind of pain. I can deal with this in various ways. I let off steam by shouting back; I walk away, count to 10 then talk myself around like some sort of loony whilst smoking a cigarette. The neighbours must think I am unhinged as I walk up and down the garden muttering to myself. I take exercise to work off the pain. Endorphins are great. Sometimes I cry it away in private whilst listening to music. And of course I blog it and write poems because writing it down and sharing is very cathartic. We all deal with pain differently. No two people are the same as the comments above show. We can learn many ways from each other just by the amazing way we share experiences.
As you can see that one reply to this blog http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/how-do-you-deal-with-pain-any-pain/ I started a few hours ago, tells you a lot about Patrick and how he deals with his pain. I did this blog for all pain, not just disabled people like myself and the first 3 friends I blogged about whom all suffer physical debilitating pain. He goes through a terrible time with his Father’s (Who he loves dearly) illness and Patrick is there always to make sure Dad is ok. He is a caring lad and may I add, also a brilliant poet. Here are a few of Patrick’s blogs. I urge you all to please follow and keep up to date with Patrick and make him part of your Word Press Family
This blog here I could and almost did Cry, I will let Patrick’s blog explain why, it is about his Dad’s disease.
SO UNFAIR…… If there is one thing that saddens me about this disease in the later stages is that it can not give my Dad what he wants. I sense more and more these days that all he wants is an end to all this confusion and lack of understanding. The fact that he can not be with his Mum anymore drives his thoughts all the time. It is useless trying to explain to him where his Mum is as he has no concept of what death is and can not understand his Mum is no more and unreachable until the day comes when it is his time to go and join her. However, i also feel he is fighting not to go. This just prolongs his torment. I for one know that i would not want to be here any longer if i was suffering the same way. His quality of life is so low. He will do nothing but sit in his chair all day sleeping, then when evening comes it starts. Sundowners kicks in he becomes more anxious about time. Constantly looking at his watch. Asking how to get home. Being lied to (little white lies) about how to get there so he does not wander off. I hate that i have to lie to him, but it is the only way. Muttering to himself aloud and saying it is nothing when he is asked. It is truly a cruel disease to put someone through this. All he needs is peace, but it will not give him that peace. I sit and hope that there is not much longer to go. Sometimes i feel selfish having such thoughts, but to watch him suffer day in day out is heartbreaking. if i believed in god i would ask him to come and take him to a better place. So i am going to say something now that might be seen as either a kindness or just a selfish wish. “COME ON ALZHEIMER”S?DEMENTIA, DO YOUR WORST AND GIVE HIM PEACE. HE HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH.”
Hard to read without being human and it not being upsetting. But this is Patrick wanting his Dad’s pain to be gone. Very upsetting as I say to read, but very real, very painful but he has the courage to blog about Dementia/Alzheimer’s and by doing so, without realising so, is helping others, and brining the disease to the light where it needs to be discussed. There will be others on Word Press with a family member suffering from this, I would urge you to follow Patrick and talk, because this is not an easy journey to walk alone. As I said, Patrick is a brilliant poet, when I was doing a bit of poetry I would always ask Patrick what he thought and he was honest, here are two poems Patrick done. Please read these.
A Poem – Dark Destroyer
I fight a constant battle,
A never ending war,
Against a dark destroyer,
And devil that’s for sure.Sometimes it hides in darkness,
Afraid to be in light,
Then rides forth strong, unyielding
Into my line of sight.It wields a sword of power,
It slices through my heart,
Releasing deep emotions,
That tear my soul apart.A never ending onslaught,
Determined to destroy,
All the hopes that I could have,
The reason for his ploy.My army is not many,
It’s soldiers they are weak,
Their minds are getting weary,
Their strength begins to leak.Who is this dark destroyer?
Why does this thing exist?
To take away my mind and soul,
And never does desist.It is a form of many names,
Each name it’s own agenda,
They all live in the same place,
A world they call Dementia.by Patrick Fisher – April 2013
—
I Wish….
I wish i could release you
From the chains that hold your mind,
I wish that i could take you
To that home you want to find.I wish that you could understand
The reason why we stay,
I wish that you could just accept
The care from day to dayI wish to see the brightness
Come back into your eyes,
I wish to see their blueness
Just like the summer skies.I wish to feel the warmth again
From the man you used to be,
I wish to feel the love you had
For family and me.I wish to recount the memories
Of times we used to share,
I wish to share the things i’ve done
And know you really care.I wish to have my father back
My mentor and my guide,
I wish to have that feeling
That you’ll be there by my side.by Patrick Fisher – April 2013
One blog Patrick did that did bring a tear to my eye was called Empty Eyes he did in May, it was about his Dad, and the title tells the story, the blog tells more. This must have been so hard to write, but like many with pain, we need an outlet. I thought for a while on Word Press the only pain people blogged about was a person’s disability, I was wrong. This blog brought me to my knee’s almost, again so raw, so honest, and so dignified by Patrick
EMPTY EYES…….Been a while since i last posted anything, not really been in the mood to type away at the computer but i thought it was time i did a small update. As dementia has slowly eaten away Dad’s memory his eyes have become dark and empty. There are times when he looks at you and seems to stare right through you. It can be a quite an uncomfortable feeling being stared at with those empty, soulless eyes. There is no colour there, just black emptiness. it’s not his fault but the way the disease has robbed him of his sparkle. I have written about that in the poems i have written. Overall, since he came out of hospital his behaviour has been quite mild. Although some of them have returned. The lighter nights have meant he goes to bed later, which has been a blessing for Mum in one way, but he lighter mornings means he gets up as soon as it get light. Sometimes 6am. Suppose there is no happy medium with dementia, in fact i know there is none. 7 years have taught me a lot and to expect the unexpected.
I don’t do these blogs to get people sympathy that is not the reason; I am doing them to bring AMAZING people to your attention. People you may never have known, but WILL NOW FOLLOW. I URGE YOU ALL PLEASE to support Patrick and follow his blog and his story and his personal journey with what is a horrible thing to deal with, anyone with a heart, please get following Patrick and join him in what is a personal struggle. He is good fun also, although his story is painful, he is a funny lad and always there with a quick one liner to get me laughing. As I said with the previous 3 Amazing Friends I blogged about, same as Patrick, please go have a look, again this is his blog http://pifuk67.wordpress.com I know many here have a real heart and do care, so I am asking you to just give Patrick a bit of support in what is a difficult time in his and his family’s life.
This is for you Patrick, I know you never asked me to blog this, but I wanted to, you are an amazing person, a good friend and you need support and also people to know how funny you can be also.
Please give some support to Patrick.
More Love, Less Hate
Shaun
Being a parent – Letting go
My son and his partner
As a parents we sit and watch as our kids are born, we watch them grow from baby to toddler to child to kid to teenager then they get older
My older son is 21 and I am HEARTBROKEN as he is probably going to fly the nest. We get on real well. But sometimes I can be a bit of a pain in the backside to him. He argues back, and “Bang” Argument. Always we speak about it later and I tell him “I just want to you to be a better man than me” And you know, he is already, he cares, he cries at sad films, he is in love with his partner and is a great big brother to his two little sisters and his little brother
With his sister a while back
With his other sister
With his Brother, all older pictues
When I was his age, he was 3 years old, I made every mistake a man could make, but I pride myself when I look at my sons and think “We did ok” As it takes his Mum also.
We do Dad/Son things, or as much as we can. Because of my disability he looks after me well, he makes sure I am ok. He is a brilliant Human being, and a lad I am proud to say “He is my son”
He pays his Mum money every week, dig money, his keep, and he never fails. He knows and understands the importance of money, and this is where I am still trying to father him. I remind him often, his Granddad, my Dad, still fathers me. When I need guidance, my Dad is my first port of call
I am aware some have lost kids, some send kids away to war, some don’t have this, but this is my story. And as I write this is I am in tears. We had a slight argument before he went to work. He is doing 70 hours in 5 days, that will earn him £700 (Over $1,000) and he did his 1st night last night, woke up in a mood, and the argument developed from there. Leaving him and me in tears. He left the house in tears; I have been in tears of guilt since. There are no books on being a parent, this is the first time I have been a parent to a 21 year old boy. We learn as we go as parents. And from our parents I guess
My son is 21, and he suffers seizures, he has had 5 in 4 years, and he takes epilem for it, a medication that seems to be working, so that is always in the back of my mind. He had a horrendous seizure in-front of me once and to say I thought he was gone would be a lie, he was, but he came back to us. Then I stood at his hospital bed as they operated on him and my job, sorry, DUTY, was to keep him awake and keep telling him the pain would go away, and it did after the operation. His shoulder popped out during the seizure, and they couldn’t send him to sleep to fix it, they just put it back in, that was a hard night
So here I am crying like a child, over my boy. I don’t care who reads, or judges, I want the world to know I love this lad with every fibre of my being. Love your kids is an unconditional love. We thought we had lost him once and this prays on my mind like you wouldn’t know
Son, if you read this, know I care, know love isn’t a strong enough word for how I feel, and realise that when I am being your Dad, I do that so you keep being the Man you are turning into. You are a credit to yourself. There have been other hurdles I can’t type here you have gone through in your young 21 years with us, and you will get over this one. You know what I mean.
I feel guilt right now. I should not but I do, he is upset, so am I, but we all live and learn, I say it often, show me perfect, I show you a liar
Love is a great thing, but when it hurts, it hurts badly. He is ok, he is still here. But he is like his Dad, he is emotional, and how he handles things inspires me. He is every bit the man his little brother will be.
I am so upset right now. I am an emotional guy, I cry when I have to. Hurt my family and I will show you wrath. I shouldn’t say that, I know. And I am sorry for saying it. But I am just “In this moment” We are defined in life by moments. And being upset is one of them. Showing love is another. At the back of my mind, when he is out, and the phone rings, I get this dread. But I know a friends who’s son is serving with the Army. I wonder how he feels.
We do our best as parents, and the end result, when they are adults is what we did, or what we did not do as parents that defines them mostly, not all the time. I only hope I am a good Dad to a kid I love so dearly, I can’t and never would stand in his way should he want to go with his Partner who I love also and make a life. That is the way of things, its called, letting go
Father and Son song
Because what my son has been through. This is MY SONG for him below. x He inspires me with the way he just smiles and goes on
Shaun
The bond between Parents and Kids, through music
Thanks to my friend The Heart of Rev. Eddie Tatro
Tim McGraw
The man above is a good friend of mine. Not the lad in the picture, Eddie Tatro
He did a blog, with his reasons, and added a video by Tim McGraw, My Little Girl. Being from Scotland I had never heard of Tim McGraw, but now I have listened to more of his music, and will watch the film Flicka as soon as a I can
This song inspired and touched me. I have two Daughters, and like many (all?) Dads with Daughters there is a special bond. I think any father reading this will know. The song below just hit a nerve with me, and I just love it. I play it often, and I sit with a Daughter on each knee, and they sing it with me the best they can. My older Daughter who is 3, nearly 4 can sing the odd word. It is something to sit with your small daughters and sing with them. My oldest Daughter can sing “Set Fire to the Rain” by Adele as well as “Someone like you” And she is getting better. 🙂
So, this is the song, and I would like to thank Eddie for introducing me to a song I know I will still have a connection with my Daughters in years to come. Thank you mate
Also to any Dad with a Daughter, you know where I am coming from. And Mums also. I feel guilty now for just saying Dads, lol
shauny1973@hotmail.com
Skype ShaunGibson1888
Shaun
prayingforoneday 