Worst Pain Ever Today – I am almost done

 

I am almost fucking done; I have been in so much pain today I just want to go to sleep. I have been awake around 18 hours now, I had 10mg of Morphine, took most of the pain away but not enough to knock me out.

My spine, my ribs, my hip especially where I put the arrow, my hamstring is BURNING and I feel sick, have done all day. I am really at the stage where I just want knocked out for a few days, a mate was just down visiting he seen the pain I was in, I asked him to hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat, he laughed I never, this is fucking outrageous, unfair and for anyone scamming the Government with pretend pain, I hope you all get caught, sorry, just the mood I am in

I am barking at people, (Nobody in my house) I lay in bed WASTED on Morphine re-watching World War Z, finished watching it and done the blog below then took more Morphine that will kick in roughly 5 minutes from now. I feel every bone in my body is like it is twisted or on fire, my right hip and entire left knee are in total spasm, and the pain is DESTROYING ME

It is my Daughter’s birthday in a few days and I just know I am going to have to wear the pain mask all day again, I appreciate people when they say “I pray for you” but right now, I know, you know and everyone knows praying WILL NOT take my pain away. This is pain typing here; this is medication kicking in typing here. If you are offended I am sorry, but all the prayer on EARTH will do nothing for me right this very second. I am not blaming God, I am saying “Praying for this moment to pass is a waste of time” It is getting worse. I can’t go to the hospital  as they will do nothing, all the medication they have to give me, I have in my cabinet on my Kitchen wall above my sink.

I can’t and won’t take this pain any more; I am in a very selfish place right now

Been here before, and I don’t like it. In-fact been here almost 15 years, I don’t like me when I am like this, I snap at people, never Dawn for the kids. And no matter where I sit, lay down, hang from, bath, shower, even drive fast at 150mph, the pain stays. I am near the end of a rope here. I truly am, the dark cloud has arrived, there are no answers, there is no help, no medication will help, I can”t fall asleep, I am wasting away going from chair to chair, from room to room. I can’e keep doing this, I would love 1 minute with a man who said I faked my pain about 18 months ago, just 1 minute. I know, you know this isn’t me speaking, this is all out pain, depression and suffering typing. it took me a while as I can hardly see the screen as I am seeing double with being tired, I just can’t sleep, I tried, I can’t take a sleeping tablet when I have had Morphine

If I was a horse I would have been shot in the head already

FUCK!

Then what

I could take a life (I am not being serious)

Fucking hell!!

The lonely nights, I hate them. Slept all day, now in pain and alone/bored

Really, no feeling sorry for me here ok, just blogging what I already know and how I feel at this moment. Because of this pain, I often sleep for a day after being up for 2 days then find myself up all night alone, bored and in pain going out of mind

I have 1,000 things I could do, I filled my home with every gadget, TV, laptop, TV box set, internet, you name it. In reality I should not be bored I have the world at my fingertips and you name the gadget, PS3, XBOX, whatever, it is there, and more, so how the feck do I get bored, something I struggle with

The irony is when the house is full and busy and my back garden is full of friends and family and laughter is the order of the day I am in there getting involved, but then in the click of the fingers I feel alone in a busy house. I know many feel the same. I have 100 movies I have downloaded I could watch, I watched World War Z a few weeks ago; I have all the new films on DVD already. I just can’t be bothered.

I think the moral to this story is, shit you can buy won’t make you happy if deep down you are unhappy from time to time. Some nights when I know I am up all night I can switch on Sky TV and watch 1 from 5,000 movies, name the game I can play it on my PS3, Xbox or gaming Computer, I was tempted to watch the Sopranos from the start, I have the Blue-ray box set, but I was too bored to do so, lol

It is 3am Sunday morning as I type this word HERE and I am just BORED the pain is EPIC in a bad way, I feel alone, I feel depressed due to the pain, I am sitting listening to music on my I Pad dock, but even that is getting boring. I am now wondering why I bought all this shit I don’t use, apart from this Windows 8 laptop I am on in the Kitchen. I have a perfectly good Desktop in the living room and here I am in the kitchen with my dog Lisha asleep, upside down at the bottom of my bar stool

So, moral to this shit is, save your money because the crap you buy is rubbish

Also, I am just going to say this, since I had a fall out with a certain woman who hit on me and I could only offer friendship, a few others, 2 or 3 people  have stopped speaking to me, sad really. Others who we were friends with us both friends still speak to me. I get why some stay loyal to friends, I get that. But it still hurts. I hurt nobody, she hurt herself out of stupidity, and I have no axe to grind with her. I wish her well in life. She is a decent Woman. I can’t go to her page, I barred it through my Router. So even if I wanted to read, I can’t.  I would just like to say one thing to her and anyone of her friends, time to let this nonsese go. It has been a while, and besides she is married with kids. I don’t get it. I used to be a bad bastard, but these days I am too old for this shit. I spend my life battling pain and spend time with these people here http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/about-2/ All I ask is, if people don’t want to talk to me for a woman hurting herself, then unfollow and go read a magazine or something. Leave me alone. All I ask

Anyway, I need to go be bored

When Im Gone

Chronic Pain Syndrome, Sleeping Patterns, Pain, God and much more!

Anyone with Chronic Pain Syndrome should be able to understand here. Sleeping patterns, they are awful and just when you think you have found a routine to sleep, like a normal person, along comes the pain and leaves you in agony and unable to sleep

I go through this every week, for months, for years now, I am past making it annoy me I guess I have accepted it, but it still depresses me. I have not been told I am clinically depressed, some people just get depressed once in a while, happens to the best of us yeah?

I personally seem to go through a pattern of 4 days. An example of this week below

Sunday – Good sign, I was asleep just before midnight and up before 09:00 am!

Monday – Sleeping for 23:00 and awake at 07:30 with the kids = Superb

Tuesday – Fell asleep at 22:00 and was up and showered for 07:30 am all told

Wednesday – Fell asleep at 22:00 again, and was up with my Daughters at 08:00 am

Thursday – Tonight…………NOTHING

Friday – As I type it is 04:05 and I am in agony, tonight it is my left hip, it feels locked, it feels like I have a fracture or a break, I just can’t move it. So 1 Diazepam, 1 Dihydrocodeine and 1 Tramadol later and lashings of Voltaren Gel and the pain has reduced a whopping 10% or so

See this is just one of 100 things about Chronic Pain. The pain is the main show in town, but all these small side effects, issues due to pain and medication, or lack of medication, or too much medication, having to take more medication because of the medication you are on, sleep, making plans, going out for a meal for example is near on impossible for me, visiting family and friends, going to the shops, going to the bathroom, showering or bathing to getting dressed and all in-between are a REAL issue

So not only are you in pain, you are miserable due to all the things that come with this invisible disability people discriminate against every day, WHY? You ask. Well if you are not in a wheelchair coming out of your car in a disabled parking bay you are a cheat and lair to people watching on, yeah these sad people who are perfect and have a perfect life. I am joking of course, these people are so sad and miserable they go about pointing others issues out to distract from their own problems. Why is this relevant you ask, well it is because it is all part of the issue. Pain is the tip of a very big iceberg afloat at Sea for people with Chronic Pain, and tiny problems become monster problems

I would not wish this crap on my worst enemy, if I had an enemy. I don’t keep enemies, they can keep me, you are on your own, so I would not wish this on a Dog or a Cat or any other Animal. It is truly the most difficult way to live, especially when 99% of us had a pain free childhood, and knew a life where there was no pain, we could do anything, like anybody, but  the pain comes and it  is like all over body toothache. This is the best way I can describe this pain, all over body toothache feeling

It could be worse, and I know it could be, but right this second, I am done, I had a slight argument with an Admin on a cracking Social Media site tonight, and I think perhaps this played a part. As many with Chronic Pain will testify, a STUPID debate or one wrong word can set you off into the land of stress, sadly for us, Stress = more pain, then worrying about the pain leads to more pain, this in-turn leads to a depression type feeling, yeah, you got it, leading to more pain and due to one medication I have the memory of the stupidest goldfish in the class 🙂

I am on the path looking for God at the moment, and sadly times like this I ask “Why God” and I hear people say “God works in mysterious ways” or “It is Gods way of helping you become a better person” And if the truth be told, living like this gives you a sense of caring. But God, if you are listening. I care, I have learnt my lesson, I am done, can you please stop? Can you realise that I am not happy to learn this? I am not happy with this Mystery God.  I respect your ways God, I do, but not this way I don’t! 14 years of pain getting worse as I approach age 40. I have had enough God. No saying or religious meaning at this second will help me understand why you put me in all this pain. I am not a Buddhist that I know off. So please God, whatever your plan is for me, can I ask you re-think the plan? Because this is HELL to me. I talk to you, reach to you, I have done for many years, but the pain still comes. If you are trying to build my character, God I have character. Please, enough! I beg. Let me live with less pain so I can be a regular Husband and Father and go back to having some sort of life.

I don’t ask for much. In-fact I  don’t pray for much, this is a sick joke now, but that is the pain talking. I just want to be regular and normal and sleep like the rest of the inhabitants in the GMT -/+0 Time Zone. As things stand I am Australian one week, and from the West Coast of the USA the next with a hint of GMT time thrown in for good measure 😦

Please God

I am deeply sorry for anyone who suffer as I do, it blows