70,000 views, 20,000+ comments,1,000 blogs, thank you!

What can I say, seems like 2 weeks ago I blogged I had 60,000 hits, before I know it 71,723 as I type this. I just want to say thank you again

I still can’t (I know, I know) figure out what  brings people to my blog, but I guess as time goes by I have to say thanks and I must be doing something right in the 8 months since I really started blogging

5 likes mid December

Back last year I was doing 3/4/5 blogs a month,  have done 6 today alone 🙂

So again, I know I will bore you all to tears, thank you, truly means a lot to know people are visiting my blog. I did say I would try and visit others peoples blogs, and I have been, but I need to do more! No argument

This week I also got past 20,000 comments on my blog, so thanks again, I really feel at home here on Word Press, part of the furniture I guess, a home from home where I speak to people I like, trust, love as friends and feel like I am doing something positive with my life. You all know my story, suicidal thoughts, depression due to pain, losing as much as I did through being in agony, to know I am doing something worthwhile, also now writing for a few other sites, I am just so happy I had the support here from many people to keep me going, to keep me confident and to keep me writing. It is not in my nature to give in. When people say you can’t, I do, this the determination I had in football.

Also today, I got past 1,000 blogs, lol

I am just happy I can look myself in the mirror and see more than just a disabled lad in pain who feels useless

More love, less hate

Shaun

Worst Pain Ever Today – I am almost done

 

I am almost fucking done; I have been in so much pain today I just want to go to sleep. I have been awake around 18 hours now, I had 10mg of Morphine, took most of the pain away but not enough to knock me out.

My spine, my ribs, my hip especially where I put the arrow, my hamstring is BURNING and I feel sick, have done all day. I am really at the stage where I just want knocked out for a few days, a mate was just down visiting he seen the pain I was in, I asked him to hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat, he laughed I never, this is fucking outrageous, unfair and for anyone scamming the Government with pretend pain, I hope you all get caught, sorry, just the mood I am in

I am barking at people, (Nobody in my house) I lay in bed WASTED on Morphine re-watching World War Z, finished watching it and done the blog below then took more Morphine that will kick in roughly 5 minutes from now. I feel every bone in my body is like it is twisted or on fire, my right hip and entire left knee are in total spasm, and the pain is DESTROYING ME

It is my Daughter’s birthday in a few days and I just know I am going to have to wear the pain mask all day again, I appreciate people when they say “I pray for you” but right now, I know, you know and everyone knows praying WILL NOT take my pain away. This is pain typing here; this is medication kicking in typing here. If you are offended I am sorry, but all the prayer on EARTH will do nothing for me right this very second. I am not blaming God, I am saying “Praying for this moment to pass is a waste of time” It is getting worse. I can’t go to the hospital  as they will do nothing, all the medication they have to give me, I have in my cabinet on my Kitchen wall above my sink.

I can’t and won’t take this pain any more; I am in a very selfish place right now

Been here before, and I don’t like it. In-fact been here almost 15 years, I don’t like me when I am like this, I snap at people, never Dawn for the kids. And no matter where I sit, lay down, hang from, bath, shower, even drive fast at 150mph, the pain stays. I am near the end of a rope here. I truly am, the dark cloud has arrived, there are no answers, there is no help, no medication will help, I can”t fall asleep, I am wasting away going from chair to chair, from room to room. I can’e keep doing this, I would love 1 minute with a man who said I faked my pain about 18 months ago, just 1 minute. I know, you know this isn’t me speaking, this is all out pain, depression and suffering typing. it took me a while as I can hardly see the screen as I am seeing double with being tired, I just can’t sleep, I tried, I can’t take a sleeping tablet when I have had Morphine

If I was a horse I would have been shot in the head already

FUCK!

Then what

I could take a life (I am not being serious)

Fucking hell!!

How I escaped depression, I hope I can help you x

 

Depression came to my life as a very young man, I think I was around 19 or 20 years old, being so young, having a carefree life, before where I was king of my world, this new “Emotion” hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea what it was at first. I had just came out of jail for the last time in my life, I had sorted myself out and decided I needed to live for Dawn and my sons who were 4 and 2 years old or so at the time. I had to deliver for them, so I put my criminal past behind me, I told people to fuck off, I told  family I wasn’t going to be that lad any more, I was leaving to spend my life with Dawn, the woman who saved my life. I did a blog here for Mel, it was a guest blog, it explains more of what I am saying here http://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/murder-and-more-through-the-eyes-of-a-child/ Dawn showed me a life I did not know existed, so I choose life, I chose the 3 piece suit and matching luggage and hire purchase and playing with the kids on a Sunday, see before I had chosen something else, back then I chose life. I am paraphrasing a movie made in the city I live in, Trainspotting, great movie, please watch it if you can, as my story is similar

So depression came to me the second I decided to be a Husband and a Father and say no to Guns, Drugs and Crime. I didn’t understand, I was doing the right thing, and I felt bad. There were times the depression was so bad I felt like being old Shaun again, just to feel better, but I stayed strong, and through speaking to family, friends, and Dawn I came through the other end every time the depression came. It was a dark cloud that would consume my whole mind and I hated it, it scared me to death, I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to be violent, so I decided to do what I am doing here and that is speak about it. See I noticed when I bottled the darkness up within it just got darker, but the second I said “Dawn, I feel sad and scared” was the second I felt release, or close to release.

So don’t sit and suffer in silence, for some there will be no cure, there will be times when the darkness still comes, but you can control it. Still now when my pain is high the darkness can come, but I can dull it and my depression is no longer a clinical illness, it is something that comes sometimes when the pain traps me in a state of non-human being state, this is how I describe what the pain does to me, it makes me non human, it turns me into something else, when this happens I hide away, I stick on the headset and listen to music in my place in the house where I know nobody can see me or bother me. That sounds harsh I know, but I don’t want my family to see my like that, they understand, so I hide. So I am not all the way there yet, but what I am is close. The pain is a different blog, this isn’t an article about pain, and this is one about depression and how it came to my life after leaving a life of crime and becoming a good person, to this day I still ask this question “Why when I stopped being a bastard did the demons come” but just typing it there, I see it, it was perhaps guilt, guilt for the people I hurt, the people I angered, and all the bad things I did. The only person I never hurt was my angel Dawn; she was and still is my life, my thoughts and my prayers and more. She levels me, she takes my heart and fills it with joy and hope and I have never known a woman to encourage as much as her, she just smiles and say’s “It will be ok” and in reality, it always will be. Even in the worst of moments, things are always ok. We will all meet our maker, we will have health challenges, like mine now, but we can overcome anything if we choose to do so, we have choice, once we realise this, life becomes a little easier, choice is ALWAYS there, there ARE other options, we just need to understand they exist and we can change and do better for ourselves. As it says above, living with depression is a strength, if you are here, reading this, and have been living with depression for years, then realise how strong you are to have came through all this. YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON, so give yourself some credit, you are here, breathing, and living. Sometimes the chemical release making some depressed and only medication can help, so sometimes there is very little some people can do, but I was that “Some Person” once and I fought from the darkness and into the light and achieved, like this http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/08/the-football-story-i-never-told/ I came from being a criminal, to depression to creating moments and memories for kids and adults, my family and myself, I am living proof that we can change, don’t allow ANYONE to put you down an tell you that you can’t, I became home and change for others. Many know my story in real life, and they know what I am life, it is ALL or NOTHING for me. I excell in what I do, be it football or whatever, I do well, because I demand it from myself, this self taught way I gave to myself works, the blog above is the proof. I created moments for kids, adults and myself, moments 20 years ago I never thought possible. Leading 15 year old kids out in a Soccer stadium with 4,000 people in it was the moment I realised any dream is possible, so keep believing, keep dreaming and never give up, EVER!

I chose life, don’t choose something else

More love, less hate

Shaun

How do you deal with pain? Any pain

This is a question for Word Press, I don’t mean physical pain like my Chronic Pain, I mean pain in ANY form, in any way we can be in pain, through illness, Depression, losing a loved one, just life in general getting you down, how do you come with that daily pain, any human suffering, lets help someone, each other if need be. x x

For me my pain is both Physical and mental, dealing with it is different every day. Some days I manage, some days I put myself into my own personal Shaun bubble and ignore the world, sit at the PC/Laptop, headset on and Listen to music and write blogs, and go on any of the hundreds of sites I visit and just try and focus the pain away

For many others pain can be real also without physical pain, depression, losing a loved one, whatever way life can hurt us, how do we cope? Sadly many don’t, sadly some give in to this pain they can’t take. I have been close myself a few times. Me personally I get into a state of mind where I think “I can’t take this one more day” then I realise this is the easy way out

So how do you cope? Is there an answer to this question? Do we all deal in different ways, I told you how I deal, I just do, and some days I hide myself away and ignore it best I can. Some days the mental pain can be worse, guilt and other emotions.

I know this question may be impossible to answer for some, but, Word Press, I know you can answer, and you, maybe, just maybe, we may be helping someone who is suffering some kind of pain with our answers.

I came here several months ago with this thinking “I will reach out and hope people reach back” And WOW people reached back. So please, reach back here, please, we may help someone, we may help ourselves, if we help one person understand pain or how to deal with it in ANY way pain comes, then it was worth the reply. Just pain or suffering, how do you cope, I hope you can take a second to answer x

Thank you Word Press

More Love, Less Hate

I also ask YOU ALL to accept this Award.  No strings attached. You are an extension to my family, just people I may not meet. So please, if you reply to this, I would be honoured if you accept the award. With the reasons given in red. You can accept and give to 10 others or not. The rules are in the link below. I made this award a few months back.

 

http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/04/21/the-wordpress-family-award/

 

This is an award for everyone who is part of the “Word Press Family” I start this award on the basis that the WordPress family has taken me in, and showed me love and a caring side only WordPress can. The way people take a second to be nice, to answer a question and not make things a competition amazes me here. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honour to start this award. Thank you, Shaun @ http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/

Suffer Chronic Pain or Fibromyalgia? Read this, was your Childhood bad?

After a few weeks doing the odd blog on pain and childhood memories, I have had a very hard time over the last few weeks; many other sufferers of the above ailments also tell me they have been sorer and more depressed off late, coincidence?

In this Video here, I got shown and I have shown here before, the “Experts” say that “Most of it is in our mind, or comes from having bad times in younger life” I will play the video one more time, it just lets the average person know what causes pain

I did this blog here, not to boast I was in a criminal family, to say “I had major childhood issues”  http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/growing-up-with-a-criminal-family/ In this blog I let my heart out and told you all how I suffered as child, and how I suffer now, in the few days after this blog, many people said to me “Shaun when I was a kid, I had bad things happen to me”

So could it be? I will just ask, and please you don’t have to give detail like I did in this blog, or say at all, a yes or no will do. But how many people reading this, in constant pain, have had traumatised childhoods? I think it is important that we are all honest with our answers, even if they are kept to ourselves. I am starting to think pain is getting thrown around our bodies due to experiences we went through as kids or teenagers

So I just ask the simple question, do you suffer pain, and if so, have you been through a traumatic event, in childhood, teenage years or even adulthood, as may get this pain after their 50’s. I think it would do us all good to get involved in this debate, so we can say “Yeah it looks like bad memories did this” or “There are not enough people to make this look real”

The video above is from the Australian Health People, and this is the Video people in the UK get when they enter a Chronic Pain Class. I was sceptical at first, but after speaking too many, I am not so sure now.

Are we suffering because of our youth?

Shaun

What the f*ck **POEM**

**edit** I am sorry to the two people I offended with this poem who un-followed me. It was not my intention to offend here. x

It’s 1am on a Thursday morning

I sit here feeling as if I’m mourning

Stomach churning and a horrible feeling in my gut

Feel like I just eat a 12 inch Pizza Hut

 

Pissed off with the darkness and pain

I wish I could go outside and walk in the rain

I remember 3 hours ago, I was fine, and there was no pain

Here I am back at the start; they tell me it’s all in my brain

 

I feel like putting my head in the microwave

Cook myself red and say it was my brother Dave

One second my life feels complete and good

The next its fucked and I’m in this mood  

 

The pain stays longer than a hated Aunty at a party

You get used to that shit as it happens every day

I sit here depressed, fucked off what can I say

Swearing isn’t cool; I couldn’t say it any other way

 

I feel like I am useless and shitty, my world this second

Who the fuck thought I would end up like this, you reckon?

All I can say it’s pissing me off and getting abnormal

I may do something fucked up and make this shit formal

 

I’m not that stupid to act like a prick I have to think off Dawn

I actually sit and wonder what she would do if I was gone

But if the truth is being told, and I am going to be honest

To say I am here and pretend this shit’s good would be dishonest

The truth is I have been gone for a while, I sit and I write the shit I detest 

UTTER SADNESS TODAY

Today is a day where I am sitting with my headphones on listening to music, there are 9 people in my house at present, me included, but I feel alone, I feel sad, I feel like I just want left the feck alone

A selfish place to be, the sadness comes from nowhere, it just happens, I wish I knew where it came from, it just pours over me like stepping into a shower

As I sit here all alone in a busy house

I sit and think why I am as quiet as a mouse

Hustle and bustle surrounds me all around

As I sit here with a head that’s pounding

 

The sadness came a while ago, like the rain from the sky

I don’t know how to stop it; I guess I will just cry

The emptiness I feel is selfish I know, it’s true

But what do I do to stop myself feeling blue

 

The pain is comes in waves, like a stormy beach

There is nothing much I can do, just medicine I cannot reach

It aches and throbs it’s like a knife going into my skin

I sit here wondering why, as it is all wearing thin

 

My family ask me if I am ok, I say yes I am fine

For the lies I tell them I feel like a swine

But these are my troubles, mine alone to deal

In time I know if I wait a while they will heal

 

It feels unreal; sadly it is all too real

As I sit here trying to not make it a big deal

I often wonder what’s the point in trying to live

As I sit here I look around, my instinct is to give

 

To finish the poem I need some words here at the end

I hesitate and wonder if I should click send

I sit and ask is it all worthwhile, the ups and downs

One second life is good, the next it’s torture , I feel a clown

Chronic Pain Syndrome, Sleeping Patterns, Pain, God and much more!

Anyone with Chronic Pain Syndrome should be able to understand here. Sleeping patterns, they are awful and just when you think you have found a routine to sleep, like a normal person, along comes the pain and leaves you in agony and unable to sleep

I go through this every week, for months, for years now, I am past making it annoy me I guess I have accepted it, but it still depresses me. I have not been told I am clinically depressed, some people just get depressed once in a while, happens to the best of us yeah?

I personally seem to go through a pattern of 4 days. An example of this week below

Sunday – Good sign, I was asleep just before midnight and up before 09:00 am!

Monday – Sleeping for 23:00 and awake at 07:30 with the kids = Superb

Tuesday – Fell asleep at 22:00 and was up and showered for 07:30 am all told

Wednesday – Fell asleep at 22:00 again, and was up with my Daughters at 08:00 am

Thursday – Tonight…………NOTHING

Friday – As I type it is 04:05 and I am in agony, tonight it is my left hip, it feels locked, it feels like I have a fracture or a break, I just can’t move it. So 1 Diazepam, 1 Dihydrocodeine and 1 Tramadol later and lashings of Voltaren Gel and the pain has reduced a whopping 10% or so

See this is just one of 100 things about Chronic Pain. The pain is the main show in town, but all these small side effects, issues due to pain and medication, or lack of medication, or too much medication, having to take more medication because of the medication you are on, sleep, making plans, going out for a meal for example is near on impossible for me, visiting family and friends, going to the shops, going to the bathroom, showering or bathing to getting dressed and all in-between are a REAL issue

So not only are you in pain, you are miserable due to all the things that come with this invisible disability people discriminate against every day, WHY? You ask. Well if you are not in a wheelchair coming out of your car in a disabled parking bay you are a cheat and lair to people watching on, yeah these sad people who are perfect and have a perfect life. I am joking of course, these people are so sad and miserable they go about pointing others issues out to distract from their own problems. Why is this relevant you ask, well it is because it is all part of the issue. Pain is the tip of a very big iceberg afloat at Sea for people with Chronic Pain, and tiny problems become monster problems

I would not wish this crap on my worst enemy, if I had an enemy. I don’t keep enemies, they can keep me, you are on your own, so I would not wish this on a Dog or a Cat or any other Animal. It is truly the most difficult way to live, especially when 99% of us had a pain free childhood, and knew a life where there was no pain, we could do anything, like anybody, but  the pain comes and it  is like all over body toothache. This is the best way I can describe this pain, all over body toothache feeling

It could be worse, and I know it could be, but right this second, I am done, I had a slight argument with an Admin on a cracking Social Media site tonight, and I think perhaps this played a part. As many with Chronic Pain will testify, a STUPID debate or one wrong word can set you off into the land of stress, sadly for us, Stress = more pain, then worrying about the pain leads to more pain, this in-turn leads to a depression type feeling, yeah, you got it, leading to more pain and due to one medication I have the memory of the stupidest goldfish in the class 🙂

I am on the path looking for God at the moment, and sadly times like this I ask “Why God” and I hear people say “God works in mysterious ways” or “It is Gods way of helping you become a better person” And if the truth be told, living like this gives you a sense of caring. But God, if you are listening. I care, I have learnt my lesson, I am done, can you please stop? Can you realise that I am not happy to learn this? I am not happy with this Mystery God.  I respect your ways God, I do, but not this way I don’t! 14 years of pain getting worse as I approach age 40. I have had enough God. No saying or religious meaning at this second will help me understand why you put me in all this pain. I am not a Buddhist that I know off. So please God, whatever your plan is for me, can I ask you re-think the plan? Because this is HELL to me. I talk to you, reach to you, I have done for many years, but the pain still comes. If you are trying to build my character, God I have character. Please, enough! I beg. Let me live with less pain so I can be a regular Husband and Father and go back to having some sort of life.

I don’t ask for much. In-fact I  don’t pray for much, this is a sick joke now, but that is the pain talking. I just want to be regular and normal and sleep like the rest of the inhabitants in the GMT -/+0 Time Zone. As things stand I am Australian one week, and from the West Coast of the USA the next with a hint of GMT time thrown in for good measure 😦

Please God

I am deeply sorry for anyone who suffer as I do, it blows

Days when you feel ugly inside and out

Stuck in my own mind

 

 

Today is one of these days where I feel I am not worthy of the love and attention from loved ones. I am in my bubble. Remember this? http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/03/05/when-we-place-ourself-in-a-private-bubble-from-life/

I don’t want to talk to anyone; I don’t want sympathy as I am not that that type, as I sit here at my laptop utter emotionless, and pretending to the world I am ok, I am not ok. And here is where this is page, this blog saves me

The song below is how I feel, word for word, I am sorry I disappoint you; even you though may say I have not. I want badly, to be that fit lad again who could walk far, never mind run. Today I was ok, then in a split second, one picture, I felt the darkness come, and it is all over me right now

Right now I feel so selfish, I have hidden myself away in my Kitchen knowing I will get peace to just be left alone. It is a very selfish place. And right now I can only think about my partner, again, the song below will explain. I feel utterly useless and of use to nobody right now, just this second I guess I could not be here and nobody would care. Although this is the depression telling me this. I am so tired; I have fallen asleep 3 times during the course of today, the pain I am in and my refusal to take the pills means the pain is making me fall asleep and affecting my thinking.

Who am I? I am just a number, a nobody, just a useless disabled person who writes pathetic blogs in a secret diary I share with the planet. Why would my partner, who is all beauty inside and out want me? Why would she, and why does she put up with me when I climb into my bubble and just want left alone. “Take the pills” a voice tells me, “No” I reply, as I know they make me false and make me better, but a false better. So I sit here, in a busy house, all alone. I sit here speaking to a Laptop as I can’t share this with anyone in my house. They would listen, but why should I burden them with my problems, I do every day.

I feel utterly useless. Did I disappoint you? Did I let you down? I feel I did. No words this second will change. I love you, and I always will and always have, since the day I seen you in your school uniform when we were 12 and 13 years old, but today  I want to remember us as we used to be

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,

Yes I saw you were blind and I knew I had won.

So I took what’s mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won’t stop there,

I am here for you if you’d only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,

You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.

I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.

I’d be the father of your child.

I’d spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,

And I love you, I swear that’s true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I’m asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I’m kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.

I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

 I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.

I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

** Audio Blog ** – Chronic Pain

Chronic Pain Audio Blog

I do these Audio blogs from time to time, two reasons, 1. Sometimes I am to sore too type for that long. 2. I would rather listen than read sometimes myself.

I kept this one light heart hearted, I hope you all learn something from it. Especially about Edinburgh and the Zoo we have lol

The You Tube video about Chronic pain from Australia. G’Day

Email me Shauny1973@hotmail.com

Add me to Skype, username Shaunyg1973

Shaun