Courtney (Left) and Chloe with a chocolate lolly coming back from the shops a while back, it is about a mile round walk, this was half way there, as Daddy kept walking way ahead trying to act all fit with proud 🙂 Now, agony lol
But I managed it, 1 mile in a big circle. Fairly proud of myself. My knees are like light bulbs, but a HUGE sense of accomplishment for Shaun. I struggled, I groaned, and Dawn dragged me along to prove I can indeed walk the odd day as a reminder. We timed it so when I came back I could have pain relief. I can still feel where I broke the back of my knee a few months back and 100% felt the hamstring ready to snap, so with one crutch and my specialised knee braces on, I did it. For others they are like “So” For me this is a journey to the MOON!
Sometimes I play the same songs, I know this. It is 4:40 AM as I start to type, the pain is agony, I use music as a tool to take my pain to another place. So I hope nobody minds if I share the songs that help my pain and my mind.
This is “Just because” over the 8 months I have been blogging here I have made NO SECRET that sometimes the pain I am in will dictate how I blog, the medication I am on will dictate who I am in terms of moods and memory and that I am disabled, disabled = all the above
If I forget something I don’t need fucking reminded
If I say the same thing twice, so fucking what
If I forget something SUPER DOOPER important I am SORRY
If I repeat myself – so fucking what
Sorry to swear, just a reminded, I had presumed everyone here got that, same as I get with others I know on here who are highly medicated and in pain, it messes us up.
All I ask is for understanding, no sympathy please
And if I make a mistake and do or say something I shouldn’t please chill, don’t go making me your fucking clown, please, don’t take my good nature as being stupid, all I ask, I have over 1,000 followers and get hundreds of hits day, VERY HARD to remember my name some days 🙂
More love, less hate
Shaun
RELAX!
I HAVE CLOSED COMMENTS ON THIS, NO BIG DEAL IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, ISH!
I decided LONG ago to do EXACTLY what that picture above says, and believe me it helps. I know 200 + people on Word Press and more who suffer from pain. I am thankful for the 130+ Award I have received, this tells me perhaps I have helped; perhaps I have done a good thing, perhaps although I am 5,000 miles away from a person, and I have helped them
As someone who has suffered in silence for 15 years as this bastard pain got worse to the point I had to stop almost everything that made me happy, all I can say to anyone who suffers in pain is, if someone in your family does not believe you have this, get them out your life till they walk back to you. I speak to so many people on Skype Audio from all over the world, emails also and on Word Press and Facebook chat and the common theme is “Family” people don’t believe we can suffer so much pain and not be in a wheelchair, this invisible pain takes more than we could ever say, it took more of my life than I can even begin to say or tell you all, it took almost EVERYTHING
But people judge, THE SECOND this happens to me they are gone from my life; this shit is hard enough without dealing with people who make things worse with harsh words. I know I speak for a thousand + people here but this pain effects more than us, it affects our life, our world, our house and all those in it. I am lucky, the people in my house “Get it” 24/7 pain I can only ever describe as all over body toothache is too much every day. So get the people to fuck off who make you worse, I do. T his is my life, same as it is yours. Live it on your terms till you can’t. I remember being a kid and seeing a disabled person and thought “I would not allow myself to be like that” lol, once it comes, there ain’t a think you can do. You have to get up in pain, breath pain, think pain, and I do try to get pain out of my mind, but it is almost impossible. I will fight till I can’t, I will write and the doors that are opening for me I will walk through and I pray one day for a better day. I love my life, I smile, I have to, I must, I can’t give in, if I do, I am gone, and that can’t happen. So I live
What keeps me going is knowing I am not alone, my family who understand, I don’t want fucking sympathy, I want understanding and to be treat like a fucking human being by the people in my life who I love, mock me, but don’t judge me, is all I ask, it is all any of us ask, there is a stigma attached to invisible pain, and I know it now, oh so well
I speak for us all again when I say this kills our minds because we want to do things an can’t, people who don’t suffer can do the smallest of things I myself used to just take for granted and now I can’t so I adjust my life to do so. I make changes; I have had thousands of pounds of adaptations done to my house, things my Partner and kids must live with just to make it easier for me to do the “Easy things” that many take for granted. Going to the bathroom, going to bed, getting to both of these places, to people in no pain, take a second to think “What if I lived in pain 24/7 and wished I was dead” Because this is what many of us do. We sometimes wish we were gone and not a burden to our family and not have to suffer
Sometimes family visit me and the brave mask comes on, then they leave and I sit and cry, I don’t know why, I can never explain. But today I smile, and I am learning through the help of the people who WILL read this who will understand, this burning pain is killing me slowly, but I will fucking smile until I can’t, I will love my family until I can’t, I will live my life until I can’t, the word can’t has become a word I am now friends with, but still I fight with all my life and soul
Just my feelings for today as I suffer in silence as there is nothing else I can do, so I leave you all with a song, a song that makes me smile, a song that makes me happy and is just Irony at its best, please play this song loud and whistle, always whistle lol, yesterday was my birthday and I was on high, today I guess I am just coming down, I will be fine, just promise me you will listen to this song and let it make you smile
I parked in my own personal Hospital parking space today, just a standing joke between friends and family there, Arf
I went in just after 10PM and I had to get two quick X-Rays done. One on my left knee and one on my right foot.
My left knee has a tiny piece of bone loose and is causing the leg to go into deep spasm when the piece of bone lodges itself in certain places. The pain from the last 3 days, especially getting woken up with the pain from this knee has been horrific
I also have a tiny hairline fracture in my right foot, second metatarsal bone from my pinkie toe side. It is sore, but strapped I can walk a little with it. My knee is highly strapped, a thick cotton wrap around and a Velcro fold over as well as what seems like a Machine. They just wrapped the best they could. These 3 being close to what I got.
The deal with my knee is it is fucked. No point casting it today, to my anger I guess, as they say the piece of bone is so small and will not affect knee movement now it is strapped and I can’t bend it. I have to take 2 straps off for bed and keep one on. They were going it give me a moon boot for my foot, but I already own one for both feet.
So more AMAZING news, I am so happy I could dance to the beat. Sadly I can hardly fart to the beat never mind dance to it. This has been several years now of breaks, fractures and rips to tissue, Hamstring, Tendon, Ligament and bad nerve endings.
If anyone fancies buying a Car, £5,000, you can have it. It is Automatic
Done my knee badly yesterday, or Tuesday. Not slept in 2 days, I was in AGONY. Called the Dr at 4:30 I had the Morphine by 5 pm.
Got to love the British NHS. It might not be what it was, but the quickness of it all is superb.
I “DETEST” Morphine, but the pain was too much, so just took 10mg. I hate when it hits me, like getting a punch to the back of the head. But now “YAAASSSSSSSSSSS”
NO PAIN!!!
I am one fucked up person just now, but for the first time in MONTHS I feel no pain.
I refuse to take Morphine, I had to give in today.
So I am “Well sorted” as we say here. I am SHIT FACED.
Happy Days I say.
Say no to Drugs kids. But this shit is GOOOOOD….No Pain
6am Blog! Don’t YOU DARE give us sympathy!! We just want normal, whatever that is!!
So I remember in a world far, far away I used to sleep like normal people. Like 10pm till 8am. I don’t know if it was a dream though. Perhaps it was, so if that is the case I have never had a sleeping pattern to shout about or be proud with, if it was my own doing, this was 20 years ago now, time to let that story go..
This Chronic Pain comes with a NEW AND IMPROVED Chronic Insomnia and it really is a brilliant version this one. I had this disease now around 14 years, as you get old, your body hurts a little anyway, we all know this, part of getting older (Not old, I am not old)
So I have this thing, I call it the 5 and 3 plan. It came free with this house I am in. I go 5 days up for a day, 3 days with a bit of both, then 5 days sleeping with everyone else in the GMT time zone. I talk to my Dr about it and he looks at me as if I just farted, he doesn’t care. He gave me these sleeping pills. Real good he said. They are called “Diazepam” Now for anyone else in the Human populous, these would work. Sadly this Dr failed to realise I take 8 of these day as it is on a bad day. 3 on a good day, they were as useful as a fart in a spacesuit
So to all my fellow Chronic Pain/Fibro buddies I have here and on Face book now, how do you cope. Just because I am bored and can’t sleep, how do you all arrange day to day simple things like we used to be able to, like, going to the toilet, the shops, you know, things that are now nearly impossible, knowing this strange word called Sleep will come and ruin your day or week
Take this week, I have a Funeral to attend to pay my Respects to someone, I will be there, come hell or high water (I don’t know what that means) But in order for me to me there, It will take 3 days of planning. I know many say the same. In-fact hundreds do. We can’t plan things. We don’t know if we are going to be able to walk, never mind sleep. At present I have a partial tear to my Hamstring. To a normal person, they could work around it. But for us Pain people. Our brain tells us it is 100X worse, and it feels 1000x times worse, therefore no sleep.
Take the last week. I think I had 3 whole days awake, then 1 whole day asleep. See what grinds my balls with this is. My family in the house, Dawn and my two sons are just used to it; they know how much being in pain pisses me off. 24/7 all over body toothache. But other members of my family ‘Yeah some know what is coming here” They don’t get it. We pain people often think Death would be better than what we have to deal with. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but I don’t know, sorry, have spoken to anyone with Chronic Pain/Fibro who hasn’t at least had this thought flash across their brain for at least a Mile-second. They call it the “Devils Invisible Disability” and for good reason, as it is invisible, and nobody believes you have it, apart from the people at the Hospital who can map our brain waves
So, sleep, how much of an impact does it have on your day, your week, your life
Throughout my life, as a kid, through my teenage years and till now I have always had a challenge to face, something I had to do to make me feel human. Dealing with my disability is a challenge, but it’s a life challenge now, it will be for life, so that doesn’t count
As a kid I had football and boxing and always pushed myself, winning wasn’t always the key, pushing yourself to a limit you know you couldn’t have done any more was the challenge for me. Also having a young family, that is not a challenge to me, it is a given, there is no challenge, just a promise
I need something. I start my radio shop in a few weeks once my hamstring is better and I can get off these strong tablets I am on, feeling the burn of pain is truly the a fucking nightmare, daily also http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/05/24/shauns-life-and-times-chat-radio-show/ This should present a challenge of sorts, but I can talk the back legs from a horse as it is, this is just something I wanted to do
I need something to drive me on, something to aim for, for the better part of two years I have found myself glued to a seat on the internet. Whatever I have done I have excelled. I have, no board, when I put my mind to something I give it my all, I am an all or nothing kind of guy, I don’t do things in half measures, I do them till I feel I can’t do it any better, then I change my thoughts to something else
Today has been a bitter sweet day, the passing of my Aunt was hard, although expected, watching my family, my Mums side come together was good to see and feel, for me it had been too long
But all the above to one side, I need to be challenged or my mind gets bored, I get lazy and I find myself just doing things for the sake of doing things. Just now on the internet I blog, I do guest blogs, I am a moderator on one of the planets biggest sites, I write about football and tactics and more every day on a few sites. I download and watch a lot of movies and I spend time playing about with programmes to see if I can change them, whatever. I also play a few games online or on the pc, these are not challenges, these are just everyday things I do. I talk on Skype with friends for hours on end. When I got football taken from me I lost inters in watching it on TV. As I type this, the Champions League Final is live on TV, I don’t care to watch it or know the score, this is the biggest watched sporting event on earth outside the Olympics, and I am not interested
So I need a challenge, something to get my teeth into something I can put all my energy into and say I tried. I don’t know what though, I only know Football, and I hurt too much to coach it, I also hurt too much to go back to boxing and coach kids, but I have no certificated in coaching Boxing and if I did, I would be too sore
Have I hit a dead end in life? Has the wall been hit? I know Family and other things are there, but I do them, and none of my family in my house want for anything, ever, they want it, I get it, no boast, just the way I am, like any partner or parent, I am the same, if someone wants something I spoil them, I even spoil myself, I am buying a new laptop tomorrow, but that will put a smile of my face for an hour or so
I put a challenge out to Word Press, challenge me. Give me a challenge, ask something off me, get me to do something I have no idea what it is about and let me see if I can challenge myself. It could be something to write, a blog, a guest blog, anything.
Come on Word Press, don’t let me down, and challenge me. Lol
Tramadol, Dihydrocodeine (Strong Opiate) and Diazapam
18 Months ago I had a partial tear on my biceps femoris, the Hamstring, the tissue divides into two portions, which embrace the fibular collateral ligament of the knee-joint, this is where the tear happened, and when I did it back 18 months ago the back of my leg (Thigh) was red and purple and sore. I got told complete rest. Impossible to do so. As it got better, we bought a Labrador Dog and after 2 weeks he pulled me down a wet grassy hill late at night, I thought I heard a twig snap, it was something in and around my knee, after a scan I found out it was another tear to the Hamstring and also the tendon and ligament. It was agony, anyone who has done this will know the falling and knowing something is about snap, in the end we had to give Max the Lab away as he was too strong for me to walk, he pulled too hard while walking, I was gutted. Man’s best pal and all that
It has been playing up since we bought Tisha our new dog, she is small, brilliant and easier to walk, however the walking was causing pain to this area back and front of my knee, this is Tisha, a Staffordshire terrier, a brilliant dog and already part of the family. She causes us no bother. Sadly I walking her was weakened my knee, and this was me wearing a very expensive knee brace also. I was hurting, but I kept walking. She is a Gibson already and the kids love her, she knows I am in pain, I swear she knows lol
Last Saturday I was in my Local supermarket, Tesco and my knee just gave way as I was approaching the front door, about 30 people ran to my aid, and I was like “Feck off” out of sheer embarrassment for falling. I got up, got home, the knee was up like a coconut. Called the Dr, he just recommended adding more of what I have (Picture at the top) I had been coming off this poison well, now I am back to 10/12 tablets every 4 hours. Cold off and on also to help the swelling, without even looking at it!!
Arg
This is my Knee, it is red and swollen:
For the last few weeks I have held of blogging about a few things and speaking to people on Skype (AussieChick, Sorry x) because the pain has been so bad. I am meant to be getting slow release Morphine Patches today at 4pm today (2 hours from now or so) and I pray I get them. I hate taking Morphine period! But needs must here. I posted a picture last night of 9 tablets on my Facebook, I think and a few friends started debating between themselves, lol. One said it would knock him out. Well when you are in UTTER AGONY and a grown man head butting a tiled wall and punching walls to get the pain away from my knee, the pills really don’t knock you sideways, they actually take pain away when needed
So after thinking, I need to keep blogging. I don’t want any Drama or mockery; ok you can mock me 🙂 I just hate this pain, my family have been MORE than supportive and my friends also have helped Dawn with the kids and shopping and my sons have been amazing also. BUT, back came my old friend guilt. Now PLEASE don’t tell me to not feel guilty, I know I shouldn’t, there is NOTHING I can do about it, but feelings are feelings, emotions are emotions and I can’t help that. You all know me well enough now; I am as honest as they come. I do still intend to blog less, I really was blogging for the sake of it sometimes, but I love writing so why not? I been doing it near two years now, it has become a passion. But I will just blog less. I love so many people here for many differing reasons. And before this set of medication kicks in, I just want to say thank you to everyone for being super cool and trendy about all this. Some will say I am a Drama Queen, that is cool, some will say I want sympathy, this is also cool, some will just like, this is cool also, I know people. all good, lol
So I am going to blog, Dawn my partner has been at me to stop being a fool, her exact words were worse, she said “Shaun you are being a fool” No, wait, sorry, they were the same. SO feck it as the Irish would say, I am going to blog my heart out and I don’t care. It keeps my mind active. The Radio Show I want to start will take a back seat till this heals, as I can’t talk with these pills in me, lol. it would be the “Jakie Bastard Radio Show” Jakie means druggy here in Scotland
Thanks everyone for being humans and not aliens and for not eating me
THIS IS NOT MY LEG..It is best I could find at the time..and its a right leg..nobody notice 🙂 lol Ever tried taking a picture of the back of your knee when the hamstring is torn? rather tricky
Up all night in agony with a ripped hamstring is real fun. I think I liken the fun to say…Getting shot, getting beat up by a bear, getting shot again, getting thrown from a window 3 floors up, getting peed on, having to spend money on shit I don;t want to, losing money, getting poked in the eye with a shitty stick, just getting poked in the eye, going back in time so Germany won the War, getting shot again, listening to One Direction, having Windows Vista or Windows 8, having an Iphone, eating a jobby, having to drive my son to work at 1am, getting shot at a 4th time, having to make my own tea at night, having to watch re-runs of Master Chef, death, getting shagged by a big man, having constipation for a week, having drippy willy syndrome, forgetting mothers day, meeting Mother after forgetting said Mothers day, spending money on a birthday for someone you don’t like, looking at pictures of someone elses family when you visit them, eating another jobby AND getting shot again. This is what having a ripped Hamstring is like. I may blog this…Hmmmmmmmmmm Infact I will. This was on my facebook, but because I am fucked up on medication I have decided to copy and paste this to my blog with the picture to show things that remind me of the pain I am in because of having said hamstring rip. Ta, Shaun
prayingforoneday 