Great Bloggers/Friends #4 – Patrick @ PERSPECTIVES (Dementia Alzheimer’s)

 

Number 4 on Blogger friends here. Before I have told you about

1. http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/16/great-bloggersfriends-1-one-mans-journey-through-life-dealing-with-fibromyalgia/ – Dave

2. http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/great-bloggersfriends-2-mer-knocked-over-by-a-feather/ – Mer

3. http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/23/great-bloggersfriends-3-fr-eddie-tatro-bishop-eddie-tatros-study/ -Eddie

I now want to introduce you all to a very brave but funny lad, who lives on the same island as me, the UK. Patrick, here is his blog for you to follow, http://pifuk67.wordpress.com he is a brilliant lad, we have spoken on Skype once or twice, we always keep in touch and when one of us is down, and we will be there and just keep the other’s head up. Patrick’s Dad suffers from Dementia/Alzheimer’s and Patrick is a full time care for his Dad. He is honest, caring, but like anyone dealing with a loved one with this horrible disease, almost at the end of his rope, and if you all knew him as a friend, Patrick, and get to know his story, you would understand. Patrick is one of the most caring lads I know; his heart is as big as it caring. I did a blog earlier today about how we cope with pain; this is what Patrick had to say, this was just an hour or so ago on my blog

Dealing with pain, a difficult subject. I do not suffer a physical pain but a mental and emotional one of being a carer for a family member. It’s a 24/7/365 kind of pain. I can deal with this in various ways. I let off steam by shouting back; I walk away, count to 10 then talk myself around like some sort of loony whilst smoking a cigarette. The neighbours must think I am unhinged as I walk up and down the garden muttering to myself. I take exercise to work off the pain. Endorphins are great. Sometimes I cry it away in private whilst listening to music. And of course I blog it and write poems because writing it down and sharing is very cathartic. We all deal with pain differently. No two people are the same as the comments above show. We can learn many ways from each other just by the amazing way we share experiences.

As you can see that one reply to this blog http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/how-do-you-deal-with-pain-any-pain/ I started a few hours ago, tells you a lot about Patrick and how he deals with his pain. I did this blog for all pain, not just disabled people like myself and the first 3 friends I blogged about whom all suffer physical debilitating pain. He goes through a terrible time with his Father’s (Who he loves dearly) illness and Patrick is there always to make sure Dad is ok. He is a caring lad and may I add, also a brilliant poet. Here are a few of Patrick’s blogs. I urge you all to please follow and keep up to date with Patrick and make him part of your Word Press Family

This blog here I could and almost did Cry, I will let Patrick’s blog explain why, it is about his Dad’s disease.

 

SO UNFAIR……  If there is one thing that saddens me about this disease in the later stages is that it can not give my Dad what he wants. I sense more and more these days that all he wants is an end to all this confusion and lack of understanding. The fact that he can not be with his Mum anymore drives his thoughts all the time. It is useless trying to explain to him where his Mum is as he has no concept of what death is and can not understand his Mum is no more and unreachable until the day comes when it is his time to go and join her. However, i also feel he is fighting not to go. This just prolongs his torment. I for one know that i would not want to be here any longer if i was suffering the same way. His quality of life is so low. He will do nothing but sit in his chair all day sleeping, then when evening comes it starts. Sundowners kicks in he becomes more anxious about time. Constantly looking at his watch. Asking how to get home. Being lied to (little white lies) about how to get there so he does not wander off. I hate that i have to lie to him, but it is the only way. Muttering to himself aloud and saying it is nothing when he is asked.  It is truly a cruel disease to put someone through this. All he needs is peace, but it will not give him that peace. I sit and hope that there is not much longer to go. Sometimes i feel selfish having such thoughts, but to watch him suffer day in day out is heartbreaking. if i believed in god i would ask him to come and take him to a better place.  So i am going to say something now that might be seen as either a kindness or just a selfish wish. “COME ON ALZHEIMER”S?DEMENTIA, DO YOUR WORST AND GIVE HIM PEACE. HE HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH.”

Hard to read without being human and it not being upsetting. But this is Patrick wanting his Dad’s pain to be gone. Very upsetting as I say to read, but very real, very painful but he has the courage to blog about Dementia/Alzheimer’s and by doing so, without realising so, is helping others, and brining the disease to the light where it needs to be discussed. There will be others on Word Press with a family member suffering from this, I would urge you to follow Patrick and talk, because this is not an easy journey to walk alone. As I said, Patrick is a brilliant poet, when I was doing a bit of poetry I would always ask Patrick what he thought and he was honest, here are two poems Patrick done. Please read these.

A Poem – Dark Destroyer

I fight a constant battle,
A never ending war,
Against a dark destroyer,
And devil that’s for sure.

Sometimes it hides in darkness,
Afraid to be in light,
Then rides forth strong, unyielding
Into my line of sight.

It wields a sword of power,
It slices through my heart,
Releasing deep emotions,
That tear my soul apart.

A never ending onslaught,
Determined to destroy,
All the hopes that I could have,
The reason for his ploy.

My army is not many,
It’s soldiers they are weak,
Their minds are getting weary,
Their strength begins to leak.

Who is this dark destroyer?
Why does this thing exist?
To take away my mind and soul,
And never does desist.

It is a form of many names,
Each name it’s own agenda,
They all live in the same place,
A world they call Dementia.

by Patrick Fisher – April 2013

—

I Wish….

I wish i could release you
From the chains that hold your mind,
I wish that i could take you
To that home you want to find. 

I wish that you could understand
The reason why we stay,
I wish that you could just accept
The care from day to day 

I wish to see the brightness
Come back into your eyes,
I wish to see their blueness
Just like the summer skies. 

I wish to feel the warmth again
From the man you used to be,
I wish to feel the love you had
For family and me. 

I wish to recount the memories
Of times we used to share,
I wish to share the things i’ve done
And know you really care. 

I wish to have my father back
My mentor and my guide,
I wish to have that feeling
That you’ll be there by my side. 

by Patrick Fisher – April 2013

One blog Patrick did that did bring a tear to my eye was called Empty Eyes he did in May, it was about his Dad, and the title tells the story, the blog tells more. This must have been so hard to write, but like many with pain, we need an outlet. I thought for a while on Word Press the only pain people blogged about was a person’s disability, I was wrong. This blog brought me to my knee’s almost, again so raw, so honest, and so dignified by Patrick

EMPTY EYES…….Been a while since i last posted anything, not really been in the mood to type away at the computer but i thought it was time i did a small update. As dementia has slowly eaten away Dad’s memory his eyes have become dark and empty. There are times when he looks at you and seems to stare right through you. It can be a quite an uncomfortable feeling being stared at with those empty, soulless eyes. There is no colour there, just black emptiness. it’s not his fault but the way the disease has robbed him of his sparkle. I have written about that in the poems i have written. Overall, since he came out of hospital his behaviour has been quite mild. Although some of them have returned. The lighter nights have meant he goes to bed later, which has been a blessing for Mum in one way, but he lighter mornings means he gets up as soon as it get light. Sometimes 6am. Suppose there is no happy medium with dementia, in fact i know there is none. 7 years have taught me a lot and to expect the unexpected.

I don’t do these blogs to get people sympathy that is not the reason; I am doing them to bring AMAZING people to your attention. People you may never have known, but WILL NOW FOLLOW. I URGE YOU ALL PLEASE to support Patrick and follow his blog and his story and his personal journey with what is a horrible thing to deal with, anyone with a heart, please get following Patrick and join him in what is a personal struggle. He is good fun also, although his story is painful, he is a funny lad and always there with a quick one liner to get me laughing. As I said with the previous 3 Amazing Friends I blogged about, same as Patrick, please go have a look, again this is his blog http://pifuk67.wordpress.com I know many here have a real heart and do care, so I am asking you to just give Patrick a bit of support in what is a difficult time in his and his family’s life.

This is for you Patrick, I know you never asked me to blog this, but I wanted to, you are an amazing person, a good friend and you need support and also people to know how funny you can be also.

Please give some support to Patrick.

More Love, Less Hate

Shaun

 

 

 

As I sit and read about YOU ALL on Word Press

 

As I sit here going over 100 blogs or more of people I follow, I am saddened, worried, happy, laughing, upset, underwhelmed, overwhelmed, empowered and more, I could go on

But one thing struck me; we all have a story right? Yeah that is the easy bit, but when we read a blog and we need to reply, sometimes I get stuck for words. Do I say what is on my mind or say something that is close to what is on my mind? You know, how to respond sometimes is hard

I see people having fun, people really hurting and all in-between and it hurts sometimes to read about others people suffering. We are all different. I turned from a monster to an all caring man who would do anything for anyone, always try and help or give advice and be the decent lad I think I am. But how do you reply to someone when their anguish is so bad, that I am sitting in tears here myself? I find it impossible, but I always find “That” word of comfort, or I hope I do

What I see is a the World in my Screen, a world full of emotions, love, caring, hurt, sadness, pretending, guilt, pain (I am pain), self loathing, suicidal thinking and all in-between, this was just tonight, in the last hour or so

Then it struck me, this is MORE than just a place where we all come to blog, it is way more than just a bloggers place. It is a place where we all spill our souls into a screen in the hope someone says something or just to get it out our system. I am a GREAT believer in Quality over Quantity. What I mean by that is I would rather interact with people who reply back, so for me I am trying a lot harder to visit your blogs more, I can’t visit you all every day, but I am trying. When I took the decision to do this I didn’t know it would affect me in this way

I am sitting here crying over what I read from you all. I smiled and laughed also, but the last few blogs really hit me like a bus. WOW was the moment I felt. I want to help you all, I want to fix you all, and I want to try at least to make you all better.

Sadly I can’t, but as long as I can try, I will try to fix you. I can’t fix me, so I MUST fix you. I love in a country where showing emotion, being a man is frowned upon, almost laughed at. I say fuck you to this rubbish. Scotland can be a harsh place for a man with feeling and emotions.

Maybe it is my pain talking; it could be my medication, although I don’t think it is I am due it in half an hour. But one thing is for sure, you have me at your side. Your battle is not alone.  You have a friend here, I may be thousands of miles away, or hundreds of miles away, even 20 miles away, the message is still the same

Don’t live alone in a crowded world and live in silence in a world when the noise is deafening

I do this, yeah, I hide myself away, but there is hope for you, and I will help

 

Dawn x

 

Sometimes a word is never enough, sometimes a look is never enough, sometimes you THINK a person knows you love them, but just in-case, Babe, just so you know x

 

 

Sometimes words are hard to find 
I’m looking for that perfect line 
To let you know you’re always on my mind 
Ya this is love and I’ve learned enough to know 
I’m never lettin’ go 
No, no, no, won’t let go 

When you want it, when you need it 
You’ll always have the best of me 
I can’t help it, believe it 
You’ll always get the best of me 

I may not always know what’s right 
But I know I want you here tonight 
Gonna make this moment last for all your life 
Oh ya this is love and it really means so much 
I can tell from every touch 
No, no, no, can’t get enough

When you want it, when you need it 
You’ll always have the best of me 
I can’t help it, believe it 
You’ll always get the best of me 

The best of me

Ya this is love and I’ve learned enough to know 
I’m never lettin’ go 
No, no, no, won’t let go 

(You’ll always have the best of me)
(You’ll always get the best of me)
You’ve always got the best of me, baby
(You’ll always have the best of me) 
I can’t help it
(You’ll always get the best of me)
I can’t help it

When you want it (when you want it), when you need it (when you need it 
You’ll always have the best of me (you’ll always have the best of me)
I can’t help it (I can’t help it), believe it (believe it) 
You’ll always get the best of me (you’ll always have the best of me)

A song to me, from a Woman who loves me

x

The lyrics to this song are played to me often, someone wants me to use my voice x I will say no more as I can’t, but just fall in love with this song as I did.. Shaun x

The lyrics speak to us all and the message is easy to understand, so I hope people can get the meaning for them, for you, for each other.

My take on Awards

 

 

I have been blogging for almost 15 months now, 11 months on Word Press for a Sports site. I have had this personal site since July 2012 and I never used it much, a few blogs a month. Then I got bored blogging Sport and wanted to blog about my personal life, so I did

I changed the URL early January 2013 and since I have not looked back, here is a list of blogs I have done each month, as you can see I didn’t really start till January this year

Blog Archives:

• April 2013 (135)
• March 2013 (84)
• February 2013 (67)
• January 2013 (23)
• December 2012 (9)
• November 2012 (5)
• October 2012 (4)
• September 2012 (8)
• August 2012 (7)
• July 2012 (5)

 

Up until around January of this year, I had done under 40 blogs in 6 months, since January this year I have done 309 blogs in 4 months, I think that works out what? 3 a day on average

So here I sit now, 350 blogs done, 309 with a purpose, still learning to write, even put my hand at poetry and I have 53 Awards. I have 3 or 4 some more, of the same Award, but each award is from 53 different people, each one unique in itself to me

So 53 people have thought of me, my blog and given me an award

I find the awards fun to do, when I receive one, I do it right away, or as soon as I can, because if someone has taken 20/30 minutes to do an award, I feel it is only right I give back. Awards for me are a fun but appreciative side to Word Press, I thank everyone that has given me an award

I find these days I am doing as many Award blogs as I am “Shaun” or “Normal life blogs” But I really don’t mind, at the moment I have the time, when I re-start football, I will still make the time, I will still blog every day, I have the bug to write

One thing I can’t get my stupid head around is, why have I got 53 awards in 4 months? I know many will say “You deserve them” or “You are helpful” or “You are a nice person who helps” etc, etc but that is just my nature.

I had a quick look there and I have given 500+ awards to other people unless my Maths are rotten and stupid. Basically when you get an award, you generally award 10 people on average, so 53 Awards x 10 people  = 530 people?

I have met some AMAZING people on here and with each passing day, and week I meet more and more again. I speak to about 50 or so, on Skype some most nights, some once a week, some once a month, some just type chat, and we always have a laugh. I think fun is the Key here, being nice, being honest, telling it how it is and NOT arguing. I have been involved in one online argument with one group of people in my 19 years online, so that is good going. I Learn only recently, never argue online, it is a waste of good font 🙂

Thank you to everyone for being my friend, for reading my blogs, for allowing me to read yours, for touching my heart, making me laugh, making me cry, touching my heart and changing my soul. With Word Press I found a community of people who at the very least pretend to get on with people. I can see sometimes people may argue, but it never ends up one, this is why Word Press is such a great place.

 

Thank you to you all, I love you all like Family I will never meet. And I will say this again about the award I created:

 

Made by myself on the 4th of March 2013

 

This is an award for everyone who is part of the “Word Press Family” I start this award on the basis that the WordPress family has taken me in, and showed me love and a caring side only WordPress can. The way people take a second to be nice, to answer a question and not make things a competition amazes me here. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honour to start this award

x

 

 

 

Word Press – The last Utopia on the Internet?

 

 

I had a chat with someone not 10 minutes ago and I said this, and now I will blog it; I have a strange way of blogging, just say “Yes Shaun” and go with the flow…………

The title is what it says, with Twitter and Face book and all these other Social Media sites and all these groups on Yahoo and other places, I have been on them all and have always came across nasty people and strange behaviour

I have had this account 6/7 months now, and only really started blogging hard when I left my last blogging interest, sport in January 2013

I came here, and from day 1 people were nice, and to this day I can honestly say I have not came across one nasty, horrible, evil, angry person. All these emotions I have read about, but never seen thrown at other people. As the internet grows and we are so easily connected in an instant from where I am in Edinburgh, Scotland to London, Paris, Australia, South American, The States, India, the Middle East, Africa, South Africa and Europe to Russia and all in-between, I truly believe this is one of the last places where love flows, caring really happens, people understand and people take a second to be nice or say a nice word

I came here at first to talk about my Disability, Chronic Pain Syndrome, Chronic Pain. I am in agony all day every day, but the help and advice I get here has helped me in ways I can’t say, it is just filled with Love and compassion, people willing to just leave a small reply to say “I care” or “I am thinking about you”

I have never been judged to my face, although I am not foolish enough to think it may not have happened between the odd person somewhere, I am honest, I am me, you are you, so if people are nasty, they keep it to themselves, I don’t see gossips or hear them, I have 70+ people from here on Skype a few on Face Book I hardly use and many I email with, it is a fantastic place

I have been online since the world came online in 1994, I came online the day the world came online with the first version of Windows Operating System and I truly can say in the almost 20 years online, and TRUST ME I have been to many places online and this is the only one I can really say I feel we all share one common goal, and that is to care. I blog also for “Bloggers for peace” So there is another goal I have in common with many here

Is this the last Utopia we have online? The last true caring place? The final freedom on-line where we can care and help? I am just asking, I feel so…

Debate away

Shaun x

1,172 views in one day – WOW, My purpose for what I came here to do is working!

My views chart

Just a quick thank you and WOW moment here. My “Views” graph has steadily rising over the last few weeks, over 500, 700, and yesterday 1,172, as the Blog headline says, I am THRILLED, as I came here to reach out in the hope people reached back, and OMG have they, and I reached back also. I am so happy I can call friends here “Part of my Journey” with Chronic Pain. It means so much to have so many who can really understand. I also have many friends who don’t understand, why would they?

I have a TON of fun on here, the last two weeks many who suffer Chronic Pain like I do have added me and we got talking and some of the advice and stories really do help me. In-fact I would go as far as to say, they save me. I don’t trust Dr’s as I should, knowing they do know better. But sharing my story as I do on here and reading and hearing others gives you a superb knowledge of how others cope, what things they do to make the pain better, and for me this has been invaluable.

So the chart above tells a story, I have the proper follow/followed by base in terms of people. Some are not in pain, but most are. The amount of caring and understand is OVERWHELMING here and I like to think I help others when they are down also, I do try.

For many who don’t have Chronic pain, and  I just had a chat with Sheri from here http://sheridegrom.com/ about this very subject here http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/chronic-pain-syndrome-sleeping-patternspain-god-and-much-more/comment-page-4/#comments

She said “I don’t think anyone understands chronic pain until they have to deal with it 24/7.” 

I replied with “Yeah you are right. Example. A friend of mine, BRILLIANT Soccer player, fit lad. He had an accident at work some years ago, he lost his leg from the above the left knee and down (Obviously)

We often chat and I will say “I feel crap always blogging about my pain when you lost a leg” His reply is always the same “I am not in pain” And I guess he is right. It changed his world, and stopping him doing things he liked, but his pain is gone. He may have mental pain, but he doesn’t show it.

I think MANY look at people with Chronic Pain as “Moaning for nothing people” as they don’t get it. And why should they. But I would not wish what I go through on an enemy, if I had one. It truly is no life sometimes. I know a friend who’s partner is blind, He has a better quality of life than most of us do. Happy, Works and has been blind since birth. I am not saying I would trade, but it is all he knows. For us, it came, often late in life (For me age 24) and ruined our life, or what we knew as our life and we had to through mental and physical pain and depression TRY! And make a new life and re-invent ourselves. This is what happened to me and MANY I speak to who have Chronic Pain..

So yeah, unless you suffer 24/7 for 15 years like me, you won’t understand. We all put on a brave face”

I mean no disrespect to anyone, but unless you live with how I describe “All over body toothache pain” Nobody can understand. I told the story of my friend who lost half his leg there just to prove the point. Living in pain, like me and Sheri an MANY others I could mention do, is FUCKING AWFUL!! As I say I would not wish it on anyone. It takes your life and ruins it, to the point where sometimes you wish you were dead, and I know this because in private chat with hundreds of CPS sufferers, this is how we feel. It is relentless and unforgiving.

My heart goes out to anyone who has what I have, some have it less, some have it more. Truly, if you have this, I am sorry. I also started the “Blogging for Peace” blogs and this is helping me also, so I am helping spread two messages of support and help. For someone like me to feel like they have a purpose or are helping helps BIG TIME. I hope people understand the meaning of this blog, and to all my friends here who suffer, this is for you also, you reached back and I hope I reach to you also, but more, we all have fun with it

The point of this blog wasn’t to show my the graph, more show my intention of being here and reason for blogging as I do, is working for me. And I meet so many AMAZINING REAL people along the way, the journey now feels like I have people in the journey with me who FULLY get it instead of pretending to give a shit. We don’t want “Aww what a shame” We just want the pain gone, that simple.  But having an outlet for pain is good. Some use this as an outlet for other things such as Music, Pictures, Cooking. Sex, Wildlife, Pets, their kids, BRILLIANT. We all have a reason for being here, the diversity of blogging here is brilliant. Each to their own and NEVER JUDGE is the key.

Thanks to all, and also the Audio blog below, I mean EVERY word.

Love and Hugs to all, Shaun

My competitive, but caring, loving edge, I need it to survive, PLEASE READ!!

To some this means NOTHING, to me it explains who I must be, and all I can be

 

PLEASE I ASK EVERYONE WHO FOLLOWS ME OR TALKS TO ME, READ THIS, PLEASE ! 

500 followers and 35 awards since the start of 2013. well there you go eh…

For me every follower, every award is like winning a Soccer trophy. Really PLEASE READ ON!!!

I am a competitive man, I have to be, it is my job, I get paid to win, and my job is to get 18 men and ask them all to battle and spill blood to win a game of Soccer. The level I manage at asks I do this. Many will say “That is a bit extreme” But it is the nature of being a Soccer Manager

Then I look above, 500 followers and 35 awards since the start of the year. Going through my 15 years as a Football Coach and Manager (Two different things) I have won close to 19 league titles and cup finals. I am a born winner, I sleep to succeed, then life came and took it away and left me in a shadow, in the dark, in pain, not knowing what to do. Then I fould EVERYONE READING THIS AND WHO FOLLOWS ME….Please read on

 

Even in AGONY every day of my life I drag my sorry ass up and I WIN, I tell myself “Just because you are disabled, does not mean you want pity, or to be treat different or be less of a person” I have to tell myself this every day, without that edge, I don’t think I would be here, truly, I am Blogging for peace, Blogging for Master Peace, an Admin on here for a help/idea section, I also help out with Playing for change http://playingforchange.com/ I can’t give any more of myself away, but truth be told, I would if I could. I happily give my free time to pray and hope for a better world. But this is my calling now, well since I found this place, I want fairness, listen to the Radio section below, what I was doing, calling cheats to task

See the pain makes you feel second hand, makes you feel old and used, different also. So to come here and get 35 awards is just staggering. I never meant to blog, it was a mistake. I snapped my left Hamstring 14 months ago, out of boredom I ended up on Twitter, within in 2 months I had 5,000 followers and was a regular on the Radio, debating with paid pundits, leading me to blog here today, everything happens for a reason? God works in mysterious ways?

Here:

 

Whatever I do, whenever I do it I give it my all because I have to, I started this blog to keep me breathing, I need people to know this. I shared my inner soul with people and helped people back, I can’t help it, and it is who I am. And I know one or two people will look at these followers and awards and start to dislike me, this is human nature and all too familiar to me.

When a person does something, and they do ok at it, Human nature dictates a small percentage will start to dislike that person. Don’t ask me why, or for what reasons, I can only speculate. But the very nature of my SOUL means being here, I need to help, I need to say “Are you ok” I need to ask “Is there anything I can do”

I would like to thank everyone, Word Press as a whole, and offer the award I created to everyone, and only ask they give it to 10 other people. This is the award here

Please take this and give it to 10 people. Thank you!

 

I love this place, it arrived to me when I needed it, and you all came to my life when I needed you. I am going back to Soccer management. This is a HUGE deal to me. It is what I am. Some work, I can’t. Some play sport, I Can’t. Some go out every weekend for a meal and a drink, I can’t. Some have romantic weekends away with their partner, I can’t, some walk their dog, I can’t, some work out at the Gym, I can’t, I could go on and on, please, don’t feel sorry for me, I am ok, I will claw my way back to the top, where I come alive, where I need to be, where I can look myself in the mirror and not see a disabled useless bastard, as this is what I see some days, I am sorry for that remark, truly, but THIS IS HOW I FEEL! But I am changing that view, with YOUR HELP, Please, from my heart, mind and soul, I thank every one of you. I had a rough 4 years, stuff I have not shared with you all, I can’t. trust me it’s horrific, I need to move on from it

This place has opened my heart and mind and allowed me to breath again. And I would like to thank every single person who reads this, or has followed me, or has given me an award, or has helped me when I was down. Due to you all I am about to go and do what many take for granted. Live! I will be out there in the world, out of my safety bubble doing my thing

Thank you all for making this possible. You helped me, you saved me, you all saved me

Thank you. I am Shaun, no more, no less; I am what you see, who you talk to, who you debate with.

Without Word Press and all you, I hate to think where I may be right now. Thanks to you I found something in myself, I found a new me, the new me. People take the ability to live for granted, I don’t. I treasure EVERY SECOND I am doing something you can, if you can, I am heading back the world that I almost got scared about, I almost stopped wanting to go out, the last 4 years killed me, the pain killed me, an EVENT killed me, but we had two Daughters and I seen some light, and I ran, sorry, hobbled to it and now I am grabbing or it, I won’t take me eye from this light, never again. For others still looking for that light, I will always be here to help you find it, as others proved to me it is there for anyone who wants it

I know many are like me, and the great thing is, you will all understand what I am saying here.

Again, thank you!

Don’t Stop Believin’ – Don’t give in

 

Can I just say this blog came about because I know someone who took their own life. She is gone, we move on. I hardly knew her. Sad, but I did this for her family I guess 

Name of the blog, “What is he talking about now” I hear you think. Well one day, not long ago, I stopped believing in life, I gave up. I packed my cases, had the pen in my hand and a piece of paper in front of me, ready to write the last letter I was ever going to write. The pain had won the battle, and my mind and body had told me to call it a day. I was done, turn me over so to speak

A selfish place, a place so dark, you can feel evil through the darkness in your mind. I was there, I was close, I don’t know what stopped me taking my own life, and I have no idea. But then family and CLOSE friends, long before I did any blog anywhere 2 year ago, seen I was close to saying my goodbye’s to them. I was finished, my life at age 35 or so, was over for me, my dreams had gone, my wanting to succeed was gone, my get up and go, got up and left, I was empty, I needed filled, bit did not know what was to fill me. I was at the end, my time was close and I was happy to do this. My friends and what I am about to share clawed me back from the abyss

Then something happened to me.  I can’t explain it in words, but hope came to me. An event happened, a small event in the Grand scheme of things, but for me, a life changer.

Here is her 1^st photo

My Daughter Courtney seconds after being born, she is 4 soon.  

From that day, I found hope. The pain was still there. For me hope came in the form of love for my kid, and 15 months later, hope came when her little sister came along. Chloe

These 2 little people aged 2 and 3 now, soon to be 3 and 4 in May and July surged hope through my body, they changed me in ways they will never know. They showed me TRUE love without knowing it; they gave me love without ever knowing it. One day I will tell them half this story, but these 2 little bundled of  joy gave me back my fight, a passion I can’t explain, something to live for would be obvious to say, but sometimes when you are low, NOTHING will pick you up, I was blessed and lucky

3 years on, here I am, blogging for 3 different groups after a year of blogging and Radio in the name of Soccer (UK, Football) in an environment I didn’t really like, but I felt at home, almost a family feel to what I was doing. But that ended and I came here, and I made an award yesterday, I blog for “Bloggers for Peace” and another site about peace also. Peace and love have entered my fingertips and these blogs, good or bad, just flow with love, understanding and hope now, with obvious love as well. I care now, before I didn’t, now I care to much. There is a saying “You can help others that often you leave yourself exposed” and trust me this is true, so finding a happy medium with yourself is crucial, I found it, with help

Word Press family Award. Anyone PLEASE, take this award and give it to 10 people, many here have given me advice and advice I have given back, this is no gimik, I mean it, and over 500 people have had this award at last count in less than a day, so thank you all, I hope more join this unique family of caring souls

I often wonder how many people wrote that note and left loved ones wondering why, I often wonder what these loved ones were left thinking. Did they blame themselves, who did it affect and what happened? As I was close, I am not shy to share this as you can see, I MUST share this. I may save a life, I may not, but I have to try, it is what we do here. I decided to “Blog for change” and “Blog for peace” as well as “Blog for hope” and am now in a place where doors are opening for me in places I could only have dreamt about a year or so ago. I wrote before, and lessons I learnt, when you are doing well, and you are doing things right, don’t change, keep your feet on the ground, and I do realise the darkness may creep back to me, my feet are glued to the ground here, today’s smile may be tomorrow’s sorrow, we all share this common feeling, I believe so anyway, so why do I write this?

Why? Because right now, somewhere on earth, someone will be sitting with a pen in their hand with a bit of paper in front of them preparing to leave the good Earth

My message is simple, don’t give in. Don’t stop believing something or someone will enter your life and pull you back from the brink of self destruction. If you are reading this, and YOU are in this place, PLEASE, for the love of God, reach out to someone, speak to someone, tell someone, blog it, do something. Don’t write “That letter” write “THIS” letter

I beg you.

From someone who was on the edge, who came close, don’t stop believing. Word Press came along and changed me also, people care here. Maybe they pretend, so what, they try, they take a second to say “You ok” or “You will be ok” I have had this said to me, and said it to many people.

This is for you, and all I wrote above, I have never self harmed, but I was close, it was a cry for help. Something happened last night involving a friend of a friend I heard this morning, so this is why I write this blog. I didn’t know the person, but they had a pen and paper and wrote the note. And nobody noticed like they did with me.

Life will throw you to the floor and stand on you if you let it, sometimes we have got to throw life away from us and stand up and push back. I did, so can you………

I did this blog to begin with, to reach out, hoping people would reach back, and WOW they did, some of you took me off life support. I can’t thank some of you enough.

Sadly some don’t have this support. The story I heard this morning, this person was alone, with no support, now they are a statistic

The Battle

Battling

 

It has been a while since I can say “four days in a row the pain has dulled” and it has. I am still in a fair amount of pain, but since I did the blog on my back, the 4 days after, today “so far” included, I feel as I could go a walk, punch a shark in the lips, clean all my windows, and more. But I know by doing this blog, tomorrow I will wake up in pain again. Or at least I know a bad day is around the bend.

Strange thing is, when I done this blog http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/worst-pain-ever-today/ since then, the pain has dulled by about 25%. When it is 100% like many on here it is hard to deal with isn’t it. And I know many do, I read your blogs

So it comes down to one thing “The Battle” The daily struggle with yourself, my biggest issue is I fight hard, I refuse to accept, and although I have accepted I have Chronic Pain and other things wrong with me, due to Chronic Pain, I still fight it. My body tells me through pain “Nope, you are not doing that” And I go and do it, then suffer for a week. I am my worst enemy to myself sometimes

But what do we do? Do we climb into bed and give in and cry in pain all day feeling sorry for ourselves? No! We get up and fight it, we live, we smile, we be with family, and we do all the things we want to do. Right now I desperately want to go visit my Mum, but I know if I arrange it, come that day, my mind will kick in and the pain will come. They say with Chronic Pain is a mind game of sorts, the mind brings the pain on worse, and maybe they are right (They being the experts who have never felt the pain)

So the battle carries on, between you, your mind and your pain. A daily struggle, each day you open your eyes and wonder what the day will bring, will you be stuck in bed, stuck in a chair, or will you be able to punch a shark in the teeth. This for me is the battle

I know many here fight the same battle. Even with no pain, we all have battles to fight; some here with nothing wrong with them have to battle. The thing I can say about me is I 100% have my mind and I am thankful for this, as I know many don’t. Some days I feel like I could swap pain for mind, if that makes sense, but then I realise it is what it is, pain. Toothache all over my body feeling

But being here I see many battle, I hear them talk about the battle, I read about the battle, I share the battle, and together we can all battle together through love, caring, sharing and God if that is our thing. This may seem odd to some, and if it does, and you believe in God, you won’t turn away in disgust, people who believe in God wouldn’t turn their backs on someone on the path looking for God. Did God turn his back on Peter? No he didn’t, so I know you won’t turn your back on me for not being just there yet, but that is a blog for another time, as I stay on the path of searching with my friend my and teacher, The Heart of Rev. Eddie Tatro That is his blog

So keep battling away, you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I seen a miracle once when my brother had 3 months to live, this was 20 years or so ago, he is still with us, he fought and lived through what looked like a certain loss, the same as my good friend Ajaytao 2010 on here, he battled the exact same  Cancer as my brother and won, I hope he doesn’t mind me mentioning this

So we battle and hope for the miracle, as they do happen

I am here for everyone and anyone as I hope you all know. I don’t know it all, but I do try, and through the wisdom of many here I am learning more about my condition, life, God and much more with each passing day

In the meantime we just need Patience to see us through

Shaun