Self Harming, Evil Love

I have read a few blogs tonight and spoke to people tonight and it has made me do this blog, the picture above represents the feel of this blog

So why do we always hear “A woman was ….” or “Last night a girl was found…..” and so on? Why does hurt happen? I did the blog on my Criminal Family, search for it on my blog if you want to read it I am sick of seeing it, the hurt is still there, the nightmares still happen, the demons still talk to me

Man, what is man? Is man this BASTARD who will toy with a woman till her Heart goes elsewhere to be hurt again, or till she finds love? Then the man will look to boast again of his evil act? I don’t and can’t speak for all men, because that would be unfair on all men.

Woman, what is Woman? Is Woman stupid to walk from Bastard to Bastard and self inflicting hurt on herself? Till she finds love? Where does it all end for her? I won’t speak for all woman as it would be unfair on all woman.

Some find love 1^st time and KEEP IT LIKE IT IS A NEW BORN CHILD!! I did. I know evil, I have been Evil, I have walked and talked with Evil, I know Evil, I won’t be silly as to say I know HIM as Evil, as Evil comes in both Men and Woman, I have seen it both ways, there is a saying “Evil exists in all Men” Yeah this is true, but it is in Woman also. This needs re-named.

Many are born and stroll through life and have never met Evil or have never been hurt or seen hurt, I call them lucky or clever, I don’t know. Me? I am clever, and many are, I found love through evil and held onto it for all my being’s worth. I did not let it go and from that day to this, I am love, I care, although I would never hurt a woman, for rejecting a woman’s advances, as a married man with kids, who is happy AND BLOGS IT A LOT I know I will be a Bastard anyway, this is the deal, no matter, Man will be a bastard be he fuck a woman or say no to the woman. It has always been this way, it probably will always be this way. Woman do play this card, I have seen it. Not all woman, this would be unfair on all woman

But as a kid I seen things I hide and shield from my kids now, somethings a child should not see, I did, I seen it all, the Guns, the drugs and sex, the unwanted sex and more, more than I want to say, not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t, it hurts me. I see woman walk from one bastard to another, one beating to another, I have a few woman in my family and friends list who used to walk from bastard to bastard, and also I have Men in my life that walk from bitch to bitch, not all, that would be unfair to class all the same

What is it that attracts people to bastards and bitches? What makes them walk away from hurt to more hurt; do some people love being hurt? It sure seems this way to me in my 39 years here on Earth, or the parts I was aware enough to notice then understand. From an early age the human mind just astonished me, people seemingly, knowingly walking into hurt as if it is all they are used to, or use it to tell a story a few months down the line to say that man/woman was an evil person, people who just crave attention, but not all you see

Even today, and I speak just for myself, I see girls hitting on men knowing hurt is all that is there. I see Men hitting on girls knowing all there is, is hurt. They get their few days or weeks of sex then hurt comes along, they part, they are both bastards and bitches, then these people go and do it all over again with someone else, like a moth to a flame, this type of attraction. Who lives like this? Who can live like this? Who chooses to live like this? What makes them live like this? I am asking here, help me with an answer if you can

Don’t get me wrong, I know men and woman who have been hurt but have been smart enough to say “Never again” and are happy now. But not enough, too many want to be hurt, it is like a person who is suicidal they NEED to be hurt, it is almost as if it is part of their make-up as a person, hurt must happen for them to fulfil their needs, why? Is it a part of a persons being, not all, that would be unfair, but many, is it just a “NEED” to be in this story of hate and evil and abuse? Not all, just some, that would be unfair

As a young man I seen my share of it all and I dislike blogging about it, but it has to be said, why do human beings want hurt? They know they are going to be, is it like people who are  into bondage but worse? The thrill of the chase to get hurt then do it all over again till the end up lonely old people with a shit life and an evil look in their eye of knowing what evil is then proclaim to know what love it, yeah, irony is a killer sometimes isn’t it

I choose life, like many; I know many do, but why? I was a kid when I seen this and only lately have I asked the question of why. Maybe I should ask someone, maybe I should seek help to help me get the answer, but then if I am to do this am I any better? I am better, I use this blog to tell my story, to ask questions, to have fun, to laugh, but in reality we live in an evil world where we see only individual acts of kindness. I surround myself with PURE LOVE and I won’t go back the way. I am talking about it now, but I won’t live there, I won’t keep my mind there, I spent many years trying to walk away from Evil and I now tell evil to away and take a fuck to itself, for what it’s worth, it works for me, but not for all

I played this video below to a man who was in a love/hate/evil relationship who loved his woman deeply and still does many years later, he cried. This song for me represents the blog I have just written, it will hit home to people who have lived this live or living this life, I will also get a hard time for this blog, be sure of this. When we talk of things such as this, hate enters stage left, evil comes in also. See the second we talk about hate and evil and try to figure it out, the very same hatred and evil comes to the table, but not always

As I say sometimes, with the help of a friend “It is all in the lyrics” when I post a song, but not always, sometimes I just post a song because, not here though. It would be unfair of me to class any one person in this love/hate/evil shit, as I don’t know anyone on here well enough. I do know a few who have opened their heart and thrown it at me, knowing I am happy man with my partner and my kids, and I think, is this person trying to hurt me (Impossible) or are they self harming themselves? I think the latter. Maybe they do just look for love, but they look in the wrong place then wonder why their life is shit and why they hurt so much. But not all, that would be unfair on everyone

More love, less hate < This is why I say this often, love is pure and the light I am drawn to, I hurt for people who can’t see the light of love or pretend they are happy or in love where in fact they are the complete opposite, I can only advise a person the same as you the reader of this blog, in the end personal choice is what is left, but not always

I mean no disrespect to anyone with this blog, this was a blog implanted into my mind by a few things I read tonight, not just on Word Press and to several people I spoke with, not just tonight but over the last week or so regarding this topic. I can’t get my head around self hurt. I DEAL AND WORK WITH people who are suicidal, I get that. But people who self harm in love, what is the difference? is there any? Please, talk to me, take me to school if you can, I really am at a loss over this topic.

Let love and light lead the way and we will have a better world and not this below, a song that made an evil man cry, but not just 1 evil man will cry over this one song or this blog, that was unfair of me to say, so I did a quick edit to say, this song is for anyone who has self harmed in love and couldn’t get out of the loop and repeated the ordeal on themselves and their loves ones, they do it again and again and again. I have never once had an “Online love affair” Online close friendship is perhaps a better way of putting it. I am just a friendly lad, I would never dare hurt anyone, well unless, like in the blog below I say if I see a man hit a woman, that man will hurt 10x more than he hurt the woman. I can’t help this, I wish I didn’t have this in me, but when I see a woman getting hurt and I can act I will, Old Shaun comes out to play and Mr Bastard gets hurt. And Mrs Hurt I take home or to the Hospital

Why to all the above.. Very deep blog, and I do like to debate, so debate away. I may be totally wrong here, I may be right, I may be close. But there is no book on love, no set rules on a relationship, if anything just morals and right and wrong. Sadly not everyone knows right from wrong, but not everyone does wrong, that would be unfair

When we place ourself in a private bubble from life

Some place themselves in a private space

 

When it became clear to me all these years ago I had Chronic Pain and other stuff wrong with me, I did not think it would impact my life the way it has. When I was told, I was still working and still active as a football coach and manager (Soccer for anyone in the USA)

Then the pain came, and the pride took a mauling. I wasn’t the same me, I had become someone I didn’t like, I had to learn to like myself all over again, and it was the hardest thing I have done, and to some extent, still doing

I speak to many people in pain, and just by listening I am helping them, and sometimes when you really listen you can tell that the person’s life is not what it once was. There is the argument, and this, again, is where my guilt comes from, when I realise somewhere, people are worse than me, people are dying, and live in a worse place than I do. But I have to remind myself this is my life, my story I am writing about, and I do it to help both other people and myself

I am blessed with my home, my kids, my partner, and my close family who I miss terribly. I say miss terribly, because when the pain came I placed myself in an imaginary bubble, where I was safe. And this is common for people to do. I stopped visiting people and made up excuses when people wanted to visit me. This is normal behaviour, and I cry a lot knowing I want to be with loved ones more. I am missing life due to the pain, and the bubble I am in, so I must fight! I must, in my late 30’s break away from it before I am stuck for good, but I am sure too many people care for me and love me for them to allow me to do this

Somewhere in my subconscious I know I had or have to change this. I harbour ideas of getting back into Football management, and then my head drops as I know it will hurt. So I have a decision to make, do I stay in this bubble in pain, or do I get back out there and face the word, and be in a bit more pain. The answer is very easy, but doing it is not. I have tried so many times to break the bubble, close the door on the bubble, only to step back inside when my pride got dented for whatever reason.

When I see people I have not seen for say 10 years, they think I am the same Shaun, and I am, but they don’t know the pain, they don’t know how the pain hurts just me, but the people around me. My family love me and I am blessed in knowing this, just typing it brought a smile to my face. Long story, something happened today, with a family member that made me smile

So we all have a bubble, some stay in it for a short time, some longer, some never escape it.  I know many people who suffer depression do this, they have another word for it, they just “Hide away from the world” I call it “In my bubble” So when I speak to people who do likewise, we help each other.

A girl I know just helped me, a small act of individual kindness from a woman I love. What she just did made my day and put a smile on my face and I can’t thank her enough. So even today, both the girl I am speaking about and I learnt something. And that is what living is, learning to cope, and learning what is happening when you step out of the bubble, or allow someone into your bubble. The people in my house get in my bubble, not many others do. A girl I know just entered it

For anyone living in a bubble, or hiding from the world, know it does not have to be this way, you can show your face, you can go out, you are brave enough and you can do it. Why do I know this? I know this because every time I blog, or share, I open my private bubble to the planet. So anyone who does a blog and hides from the world, you are not alone to the world, you are asking strangers to enter your world.

I hope people understand what I am talking about here, for me it is very personal

More Love, less hate

Shaun

I dedicate this to a young woman I love more than she knows 🙂