**NO LIKES HERE** – HOW ARE YOU FEELING THIS DAY, TODAY, YES YOU!?

 

 

Right, about 10 people, you know who you are “Like” EVERYTHING I blog but have never uttered one word or discussed or debated a THING with me

So here is a simple question “How are you today?”

This is for EVERYONE, Leave a reply please, tell us all how you are today, or in general. How is life, any issues, any gossip, how are the neighbours, the kids, your pet? Anything

HOW ARE YOU? 

Losing three loved ones in a week.

Confused

Disappointed

Disgusted

Head f*ck

Lost

Hurt

Used

Emotional

Abuse

Toyed with

Emotionally scarred

Crying

Angry                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Spiteful

Dishonest

Unknown

Unfair

Ended

Life

Love

 

When the one person in your life you REALLY think is there for you turns on you, time and time again, you take it , then take it again, then again. Then you stand up and say, no more. Confusion is buzzing around my mind right now, and this is why I am glad I have this blog page. I won’t name names, the evil person who did this will know. And I am not taking that word back.

 

When you truly have a person in your life that is you’re EVERYTHING to then be told, or to understand they didn’t want you, or knew nothing about you hurts more than the pain I suffer 24/7. Today I lost a family member, not just any family member, someone I trusted with my life. They don’t live in my home. They lived in my Heart. I tried to walk on egg shells with them for almost 25 years of my life, and today this person closed the door on my face and made me say things I don’t mean

 

If only this person knew how much I love, I care, I want to be there, I want to try, I was trying, and maybe things would be better. Today I learnt that helping people you love can sometimes create problems that shock you and confuse you. There is no reasoning with this person, as this person is lost, this person has been lost since they were around 15 years old, they need to realise this. My mind can make me say things I don’t mean. But the sad fact is people I know on here know me better than the person I lost today, a person I craved to be there for, to love and help, but I guess I failed

 

My life is my life, this is just a blog, where like others we scrutinise things and try and make sense of our world and the people in it. Today was hard, hardest day of my life. But sadly others will be hurting also, as I won’t open that door again. I am just confused, you get asked to “Change” and I tried to help, and it wasn’t good enough. I realised many years ago it would end like this, but I won’t allow my 2 daughters to be hurt. I was told “I am not right in the head” or words to that effect, sadly that said this perhaps is the one who is not right in the head.  For this person, in the position they were in, in my life, to act like they have to me, being in the position I am in, is just disgraceful. People in their position should never do this to a person who is what I was to them, or should have been to them. It escapes my heart and soul to understand what happened today, I guess I truly can’t put my mind to that place. Trying to get this person to understand the DAMAGE that was done to me as a kid has led me to be the disabled person I am today was impossible, funnily enough, someone else did get it, and always says sorry about it and cried. This person however has no heart; no person in this position should ever put a person in my position through this.

 

Life is unfair; this blog is ONLY my thoughts in a moment. Many friends I have here, people I have known 6 months know more about me than this person. I had to delete blogs today because of a confused person also. This other person either meant to do what they did, or just is as evil as the person who taught them in life

 

I can honestly say I have never been so upset, so down, so sore, and in a week where my Aunt is to be laid to rest. I can’t now go to this funeral. So I am the bad guy, as usual. But shit happens eh. This is life. This person told me when I was 16 “Life is depressing and awful” or words to that effect. I know this person will read this. If this person had a heart, a sorry should be coming my way.

Today I did nothing wrong, and lost so much it is untrue.

 

But you know what, life is good, I was almost tricked into thinking it wasn’t. I live in pain, so do millions, I get depressed, so do Billions. I blog, so do 10’s of thousands. I breathe, we all do. I will see tomorrow, so will billions more.

Today I learnt the best lesson life has taught me, I can’t see it right now, but it will. The door has closed, it was never fully open, but today, I can say “It’s done” The person made it happen. The person forgot their responsibility to me.

I will do what I have always done; I will look after the people in my house, and say…

More love, less hate

Worst pain ever today……

I get pain all over my body, sometimes my knee, sometimes my shoulders, sometimes my hips, sometimes my ankles, even my feet, and many other places. Today it is lower back

I awoke and could walk, but every step was like an electric shock to the area, the pain was 10/10 I was in agony. I called my GP he just said “Take more pills, and use more gel on the area” So I did, and it took 20% of the pain away.

Lower back pain for me can be the worst of all pains, as that one area makes it hard for all your other joints to move properly. The cause is the way I slept last night, people usually sleep in one way, I slept in an almost foetal position, and I am told not to by the pain experts, but when asleep, you are not aware of how you will end up sleeping

Does me no good!

When I do sleep like this, it is feels like my lower back has fused and I can’t straighten up, and today, I spent 3 or 4 hours in agony after I awoke, trying to just relax whatever it was that needed relaxing. Even now, it is still sore, it was that sore leaning forward to drink a cup of tea hurt my back and my neck. This is Chronic Pain, I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy, if I had one, it is degrading and horrible and days like this I just want to stay asleep, as when asleep, there is no pain, and I did for a while, I just went back to bed and the pain and medication knocked me out

I just hate it, it sucks, its shit, it’s more that agony; I don’t have a word for this pain. Today is a day I needed to be somewhere and do something’s, and I couldn’t, so I let people down, and that brings guilt, but I was reminded by everyone and their dog’s today “It isn’t your fault

I promised myself I wouldn’t give into this bastard pain, and try and live normal, today?

Shaun 0-1 Pain

I lost. I had no choice, I just gave in. And as I sit here, I ask, is there more to come? Is the pain going to get worse? Is this for me? Or do I do what I preach and fight, do I lift myself up in agony and go, do I say “No” and just keep going? I am a fighter, give me a fight and I will win, it is in my nature. Today I lost, and that hurts my pride, but makes me want to fight harder to try and find ways to stop this pain.

I promise myself right now, I am not taking this, I won’t give up, I will fight, and I will do as I tell others. But today was awful. Really bad, and it’s days like this I wish I did not over do sport when I was 21 and younger, when I remember all my coaches from Soccer to Boxing telling me “Take it easy” I used to run, no, sprint up hills, I used to do extra soccer practice, I stayed behind in the gym and did extra in the ring with my coach, who was the Scottish Middleweight champion  at the time. And even he said “Take it easy tiger”

I should have listened.

So if you are the same, you pushing yourself too far, to fast, to hard? Stop, please. It does come back to hit you, hard.

Slow down tiger

Shaun 

Is there really a world out there?

I know I just blogged and I should added this rambling effort to the one below, but the title of this blog, really, is there? If there is, I don’t connect to it any more. I connect to it through this screen, and the keyboard I am trying into

A few years ago I was out there, living the dream, as I used to joke, I was a winner, I was a better Husband, I was a better Father, I was a better me. Then this Chronic Pain came along and took that away from me

It is within all men to want to be the best, the hardest worker, the biggest earner, whatever, it is pride and stupidity I guess in men, and being one I am trapped in the stereotypical stupidity off it all, I hope that made sense

For me the world I took on and beat is gone, I realised it today. I am kidding myself on if I think at the age of 38 I can go back out there in this pain and do what I did before, I am fool for thinking I could do this again

But then I now have my family to live for and I fail even at that. They all go out into the big old world and give it a game, I can’t, but I hope they do and win, and be happy and just show the world “I am here, you are not beating me”

Because I am beat. I give up; I am sitting in tears here because the penny dropped today. I have not spoken to one person all day, my pride or stupidity through the pain; I decided to be a selfish bastard. Sorry to swear. But when I decided to do this blog page I told myself “Be honest” so here I am world, all honest, now what?

I don’t know whose hands I am in, but they are not my own hands. I try and look for God at this moment, today and I can’t see him, I see only misery and pain. What message do I take from that?

I realise now this is it for me, and maybe that realisation will help long term.  I am in my 30s!! And I am speaking and thinking like someone my Dads age. I hate myself for it.

The only advice I can give to anyone who is in this frame of mind is to realise and accept. Don’t fool your own mind, you have changed, so allow the change to happen, and become what pain has made you. Because the more you fight it, the more it rips you to bits inside. On the outside I look like a  38 year old man. On the inside I don’t want to write here what I feel. My pride is damaged, my confidence is gone and my man card has been taken away from me

I don’t know what is next for me. But I have a family to support, so I guess that.

I just want to do more.

I don’t ask for much God.

Just one day.

Shaun

Guilt

I know many in our world suffer more, so I do this blog with guilt in it, many can’t do what I am doing now

Pain today for me has been 10/10, agony, from my left hip to my left foot, I just can’t walk. Today, Friday is “Busy Day” in my home, weekly shopping, paying bills and more, it never happened today. I couldn’t

So here I sit not just feeling guilty for the above, but also my family. They depended on me today and I let them down. My pain got the better of me, and I feel terrible. I know there isn’t a lot I can do about it, but the guilt kills me more than the pain

My hip and knee are in lockdown mode, they just decided today “No, we are not playing” and I was left to sit and feel rubbish. This isn’t a rant, or about me, this is for my family. The people in my house who have to live around my pain, who have to live around me feeling depressed because I let them down

I guess tomorrow will bring a new day with less pain, and then less guilt because my pain ruined my families day

Shaun

The Sunday Blues

Sunday Afternoon here, nearly 2pm

I had two accidents last week to my knee and hip, and my knee is worse. I woke up this morning and the middle of my back is gone, feels like it is fused together. This is nothing new, anyone with Chronic Pain, or living in pain will tell you, and this is just the way shit happens. Sorry for swearing, but I am at the “Arrrgh” level here

How do I beat the pain? Easy answer, I don’t, I try and take my mind from it and doing this I am struggling to type, so I am just going slowly. I have had a small doze of pain relief, Tramadol, Diazepam and Dyhydracodine

I am asked to take 3 tablets each, and also a Diclofanec tablet, 10 tablets. But I only took 4, one of each and used some Volterol gel, so it just takes the edge from the pain, “just”

I got some fantastic news yesterday, the Radio thing I want to do is getting closer, but I want to do some more Audio blogs and have some trial runs first. I am confident in all I do.  I am going to do a “Before the Disability got bad” blog later today, as I think it’s important everyone able bodied or not has to realise, this Chronic Pain is getting worse, 1 in 5 have it in  some shape or form in the UK many don’t know, they just put it down to an accident or whatever. So the Chronic Pain people tell me anyway, so I don’t know how much truth is there

But later today, I am going to do a blog about what I did before I couldn’t do anything. And it will be an eye opener. As I was one of the “Never happen to me” crowd. We all say this, “Never happen to me” Chronic pain comes in levels I was told, 1 is low, 10 is really bad, I have it 9, nearly 10. People who have a bad 10, I have seen them, met a few, some can’t walk at all, one was a football player, he is now 28 or so, now this BASTARD Syndrome has taken his mobility. He took it bad. Tried suicide a few times, I am actually going to ask him to do an Audio blog with me, so we will see. I think it do him good to talk about it.

Well for now, enjoy your Sunday one and all.

Peace and love to all

Shaun

Email Shauny1973@hotmail.com

Skype name: Shaun Gibson1888