Dawn the non-model, just a mother, no make up..
When I told this story here http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/growing-up-with-a-criminal-family/ in the blog I said “An Event happened” and I was just asked by Mike over @ http://mustardseedbudget.wordpress.com/ what that Event was. I will be doing a 3,000 word guest blog for Melanie here http://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/ it will be published on July 2nd at 8am Eastern Time USA
The Event was Dawn. I was 12; she was 10 years old when we met. She saw the violence, she seen me commit acts of violence, but she stayed by me, She seen something in me that was better than the angry young lad I was, this was when we were 16/18 years old when we were already parents. We never planned to be parents, but we can’t regret this.
Dean and Ryan outside their room
We had Dean (21 years old now) And Ryan who is 19 years old. We were young parents and throughout all this I was in and out of jail for serious crime. I said a few times I missed Dean and Ryan growing up, and how I did not want to miss a second of Courtney and Chloe growing up here just earlier: http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/5319/ I mean every word, I don’t want to miss a second this time round. Being in my late 30’s I believe in God and I am disabled badly with Chronic Pain Syndrome, I believe the pain I am in now is for the sins of my past, or the sins of my Father, but anyway.
Courtney and Chloe, just LOVE ’em
Dawn saved my life; we were friends for many years. Dawn was Posh, her family had money for the RIGHT REASONS, and I had money for the wrong reasons. So money was not her reason for wanting to change me. She seen something else, something I couldn’t and she didn’t give up, even though her Dad who is a nice guy I guess tried everything to pull his Daughter away from me. She kept seeing me; she sneaked out her house at 14 years old to see me. It was “Love at first sight” I remember I first seen her, and Dawn went on to do Magazine modelling, she just took my breath away, but it was her personality, the way she talked, her eyes, and more than captivated me. She thought my line was a chat up line. I said, after plucking up the courage for months, “I will spend the rest of my life with you” This is when we were say 13/15, And I knew I would, we still both go back to the exact spot I said it and just cuddle. I was going through Hell but it seemed like heaven looking back. I took a gamble one night, Dawn was going out with a lad, I kisser her DEEPLY in front of her boyfriend. I didn’t want to hurt the lad, I just wanted to make Dawn happy for life, we walked away with her boyfriend obviously unhappy and I said “I will be with you for the rest of my life” She smiled like it was some cheesy chat up line. Then I kissed her again, I remember it now, when I stopped kissing her, her eyes stayed closed for what seemed an eternity. She just said, “Don’t ever Hurt me” I replied “I wouldn’t know how to hurt you”
Dawn is my hero, my rock, my night my day, my light my dark, my reason and my reasoning, she is my thinking and my thoughts. The picture above is all she will allow me to post. It is a few years old, say 4/5 years old now, so I have to respect that. But it was just UTTER LOVE, I have only been in love once, I have never known another woman’s love. I have had sex with other woman before Dawn, but there was no love. Dawn was different, and she saved me. She just saved me. She stopped me being a criminal and helped turn me into love. She now cares for me every day with my pain. When I kiss her now It is like our first kiss, when I look into her eyes, it is like the first time I seen her, when we make love, it is like the first time. I try and explain we NEVER argue and nobody believes me, we don’t, we don’t even debate harshly, we are best friends to this day. We are friends first. She is a joy. And I am the luckiest man alive to have a woman who is just Amazing to me. She is courageous and brave for taking me; her Dad still doesn’t like me. I did an appalling thing last Christmas, I hit him. He hit me 4 times and I didn’t want to hit back, but the punch I gave him was 25 years in the making. He needs to understand I am a different guy now, I gave him 4 beautiful Grandkids and gave his daughter a life where she wants for nothing, and she is spoilt. She wants something, it’s hers, and there is no price I won’t pay for Dawn. You can’t buy love, but she has a brilliant life, she is happy. After I hit her Dad all the memories of me being a criminal came flooding back, I though “I have blown it here” But I walked in the house crying, she looked at me, cried and hugged me and said “It’s ok”
And things were ok, she spoke to get Dad and he said sorry for hitting me and all was ok. But I do regretted hitting him, He is an old man, but I am a disabled lad, when I get hit I don’t feel it as I am already in pain and on medication. Old Shaun appeared for a split second, but still, she understood, she didn’t hate me for it, I couldn’t and still don’t understand why. I mean I hit her Dad. She forgave me on the spot. And Dawn is the boss of this house, she has no need to ever fear me, after 30 years, she knows I would never harm her, not a hair on her head. I protect her. She gets hit on a lot when we are out, I just say “Fuck off” When the man/lad whoever realises who I am, 99.99% of the time, he will say sorry, only a handful of times, when we were younger did I have to throw a punch to protect her, but violence is not the answer. Neither Dawn or I drink any more or go up the town, we know it will just cause issues with both us getting hit on, so we leave it out. Besides in out mid/late 30’s, night clubs get boring. And I know all the owners, and we get offered VIP all the time, but nah, we are happy to keep it real. The life I led, I love home, but should Dawn want to go out with her friends, I worry she will get hit on, but I don’t worry about her trust. But she is free as a bird to fly and live. No Woman should be kept in a house like a prize. I go over this in my Guest blog dated at the top. A man should treat a woman with respect, always
I could go on and on and on, but Dawn saved me, and I like to think I gave her something no other man could. That will remain a secret between Dawn and me, but I give her things no other man can. I treat her like no other man can. I cry she likes this side of me. I am “Real” I am “Me” and from the age of 10 she seen this, and I think today she sees the same thing. A lost boy looking for something, because deep down I am still that lost boy, I am just in pain now. But I don’t let the pain come between us.
I love you sweetheart, thank you for everything, thank you for giving me sense, love, and tenderness and 4 kids. And you x
People say I share too much of my life and give too much away, but we are safe. This is what I still bring to the table here. Safety, I can protect them all, from anything. This is no brag or being all “Gangster” We are safe, I am not criminal any more, but I know many. They are friends, they know I would say fuck off if they asked me to be the old Shaun, so they don’t ask. Some are jealous of what I have, because they are just scum to be fair. But the safety I can offer my family is something else. Hard to explain. But it is there.
Sometimes I blog about pain and when I am down, and they are true, this page allows me to say what I feel and be true to myself. It is my corner of the world where I can just type what is on my mind without giving a shit who reads it. If my family read it (Hi By the way) so be it. This is my sanctuary now I am disabled with pain. But I guess my real sanctuary is in Dawns heart.
I always say a song, it’s with the Lyrics, this song says it all what Dawn did for me, the Lyrics are embedded in the song, I hope you get it, I kissed her in-front of her boyfriend to get her, “All is fair in love and War” 😉
prayingforoneday 