I like people who say “I am having a shit time today”
I like people who help others
I like people who love
I like people who care
Today I awoke and I am drenched in self pity for myself and I dislike myself for it. It is if I want the world to give a shit about me and say “There there, it will be ok” I know it will be it always is. The pain I am in today is the worst I have felt in many a year. I ache in places I didn’t know aching could happen. I will leave you to use your imagination there.
I am self loathing here, I feel sorry for myself, I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate this existence, I want to be 14 again, I want to build a time machine and go back, I want to be a selfish bastard and say to hell with you all and go, leave, go elsewhere, live another life. I was blessed in some ways, but given pain I just can’t handle. This pain wants to make me swallow 200 tablets and go for a sleep
I won’t, I will live, I will be strong, I will be a man about it, and I will hold my shit together. I have EVERYTHING but in reality I have fuck all. I have love, I am loved, but right in this moment I don’t care, I want to be selfish and be a prick about it. I want to go and punch the druggy fuck round the corner into hospital to get the pain out my mind. Would it help if I went to his door and punched him to a new week of his life? No, it wouldn’t, violence is never the answer. Sure feels like it is right now though. I just want to be normal, live normal, be like my mates who can still do shit we could all do when we were kids.
I will dream and hope this bastard pain leaves my body, I have been praying for LIKE ever, and fuck all happens, it just gets worse, so that’s that idea out the window.
This moment is a bad moment, a shit moment, an alone moment, a selfish moment. Why should I go on? Why should I go on with this body in this pain? Taking the poison my Dr Gives me that makes my brain think things I don’t want to be thinking? Pain over many years will do this to anyone.
Turn this fucker over, I am toast
Going to steal a song someone sent me, the man wrote it for his partner who is in pain…..
I have read a few blogs tonight and spoke to people tonight and it has made me do this blog, the picture above represents the feel of this blog
So why do we always hear “A woman was ….” or “Last night a girl was found…..” and so on? Why does hurt happen? I did the blog on my Criminal Family, search for it on my blog if you want to read it I am sick of seeing it, the hurt is still there, the nightmares still happen, the demons still talk to me
Man, what is man? Is man this BASTARD who will toy with a woman till her Heart goes elsewhere to be hurt again, or till she finds love? Then the man will look to boast again of his evil act? I don’t and can’t speak for all men, because that would be unfair on all men.
Woman, what is Woman? Is Woman stupid to walk from Bastard to Bastard and self inflicting hurt on herself? Till she finds love? Where does it all end for her? I won’t speak for all woman as it would be unfair on all woman.
Some find love 1st time and KEEP IT LIKE IT IS A NEW BORN CHILD!! I did. I know evil, I have been Evil, I have walked and talked with Evil, I know Evil, I won’t be silly as to say I know HIM as Evil, as Evil comes in both Men and Woman, I have seen it both ways, there is a saying “Evil exists in all Men” Yeah this is true, but it is in Woman also. This needs re-named.
Many are born and stroll through life and have never met Evil or have never been hurt or seen hurt, I call them lucky or clever, I don’t know. Me? I am clever, and many are, I found love through evil and held onto it for all my being’s worth. I did not let it go and from that day to this, I am love, I care, although I would never hurt a woman, for rejecting a woman’s advances, as a married man with kids, who is happy AND BLOGS IT A LOT I know I will be a Bastard anyway, this is the deal, no matter, Man will be a bastard be he fuck a woman or say no to the woman. It has always been this way, it probably will always be this way. Woman do play this card, I have seen it. Not all woman, this would be unfair on all woman
But as a kid I seen things I hide and shield from my kids now, somethings a child should not see, I did, I seen it all, the Guns, the drugs and sex, the unwanted sex and more, more than I want to say, not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t, it hurts me. I see woman walk from one bastard to another, one beating to another, I have a few woman in my family and friends list who used to walk from bastard to bastard, and also I have Men in my life that walk from bitch to bitch, not all, that would be unfair to class all the same
What is it that attracts people to bastards and bitches? What makes them walk away from hurt to more hurt; do some people love being hurt? It sure seems this way to me in my 39 years here on Earth, or the parts I was aware enough to notice then understand. From an early age the human mind just astonished me, people seemingly, knowingly walking into hurt as if it is all they are used to, or use it to tell a story a few months down the line to say that man/woman was an evil person, people who just crave attention, but not all you see
Even today, and I speak just for myself, I see girls hitting on men knowing hurt is all that is there. I see Men hitting on girls knowing all there is, is hurt. They get their few days or weeks of sex then hurt comes along, they part, they are both bastards and bitches, then these people go and do it all over again with someone else, like a moth to a flame, this type of attraction. Who lives like this? Who can live like this? Who chooses to live like this? What makes them live like this? I am asking here, help me with an answer if you can
Don’t get me wrong, I know men and woman who have been hurt but have been smart enough to say “Never again” and are happy now. But not enough, too many want to be hurt, it is like a person who is suicidal they NEED to be hurt, it is almost as if it is part of their make-up as a person, hurt must happen for them to fulfil their needs, why? Is it a part of a persons being, not all, that would be unfair, but many, is it just a “NEED” to be in this story of hate and evil and abuse? Not all, just some, that would be unfair
As a young man I seen my share of it all and I dislike blogging about it, but it has to be said, why do human beings want hurt? They know they are going to be, is it like people who are into bondage but worse? The thrill of the chase to get hurt then do it all over again till the end up lonely old people with a shit life and an evil look in their eye of knowing what evil is then proclaim to know what love it, yeah, irony is a killer sometimes isn’t it
I choose life, like many; I know many do, but why? I was a kid when I seen this and only lately have I asked the question of why. Maybe I should ask someone, maybe I should seek help to help me get the answer, but then if I am to do this am I any better? I am better, I use this blog to tell my story, to ask questions, to have fun, to laugh, but in reality we live in an evil world where we see only individual acts of kindness. I surround myself with PURE LOVE and I won’t go back the way. I am talking about it now, but I won’t live there, I won’t keep my mind there, I spent many years trying to walk away from Evil and I now tell evil to away and take a fuck to itself, for what it’s worth, it works for me, but not for all
I played this video below to a man who was in a love/hate/evil relationship who loved his woman deeply and still does many years later, he cried. This song for me represents the blog I have just written, it will hit home to people who have lived this live or living this life, I will also get a hard time for this blog, be sure of this. When we talk of things such as this, hate enters stage left, evil comes in also. See the second we talk about hate and evil and try to figure it out, the very same hatred and evil comes to the table, but not always
As I say sometimes, with the help of a friend “It is all in the lyrics” when I post a song, but not always, sometimes I just post a song because, not here though. It would be unfair of me to class any one person in this love/hate/evil shit, as I don’t know anyone on here well enough. I do know a few who have opened their heart and thrown it at me, knowing I am happy man with my partner and my kids, and I think, is this person trying to hurt me (Impossible) or are they self harming themselves? I think the latter. Maybe they do just look for love, but they look in the wrong place then wonder why their life is shit and why they hurt so much. But not all, that would be unfair on everyone
More love, less hate < This is why I say this often, love is pure and the light I am drawn to, I hurt for people who can’t see the light of love or pretend they are happy or in love where in fact they are the complete opposite, I can only advise a person the same as you the reader of this blog, in the end personal choice is what is left, but not always
I mean no disrespect to anyone with this blog, this was a blog implanted into my mind by a few things I read tonight, not just on Word Press and to several people I spoke with, not just tonight but over the last week or so regarding this topic. I can’t get my head around self hurt. I DEAL AND WORK WITH people who are suicidal, I get that. But people who self harm in love, what is the difference? is there any? Please, talk to me, take me to school if you can, I really am at a loss over this topic.
Let love and light lead the way and we will have a better world and not this below, a song that made an evil man cry, but not just 1 evil man will cry over this one song or this blog, that was unfair of me to say, so I did a quick edit to say, this song is for anyone who has self harmed in love and couldn’t get out of the loop and repeated the ordeal on themselves and their loves ones, they do it again and again and again. I have never once had an “Online love affair” Online close friendship is perhaps a better way of putting it. I am just a friendly lad, I would never dare hurt anyone, well unless, like in the blog below I say if I see a man hit a woman, that man will hurt 10x more than he hurt the woman. I can’t help this, I wish I didn’t have this in me, but when I see a woman getting hurt and I can act I will, Old Shaun comes out to play and Mr Bastard gets hurt. And Mrs Hurt I take home or to the Hospital
Why to all the above.. Very deep blog, and I do like to debate, so debate away. I may be totally wrong here, I may be right, I may be close. But there is no book on love, no set rules on a relationship, if anything just morals and right and wrong. Sadly not everyone knows right from wrong, but not everyone does wrong, that would be unfair
I don’t want to talk to anyone; I don’t want sympathy as I am not that that type, as I sit here at my laptop utter emotionless, and pretending to the world I am ok, I am not ok. And here is where this is page, this blog saves me
The song below is how I feel, word for word, I am sorry I disappoint you; even you though may say I have not. I want badly, to be that fit lad again who could walk far, never mind run. Today I was ok, then in a split second, one picture, I felt the darkness come, and it is all over me right now
Right now I feel so selfish, I have hidden myself away in my Kitchen knowing I will get peace to just be left alone. It is a very selfish place. And right now I can only think about my partner, again, the song below will explain. I feel utterly useless and of use to nobody right now, just this second I guess I could not be here and nobody would care. Although this is the depression telling me this. I am so tired; I have fallen asleep 3 times during the course of today, the pain I am in and my refusal to take the pills means the pain is making me fall asleep and affecting my thinking.
Who am I? I am just a number, a nobody, just a useless disabled person who writes pathetic blogs in a secret diary I share with the planet. Why would my partner, who is all beauty inside and out want me? Why would she, and why does she put up with me when I climb into my bubble and just want left alone. “Take the pills” a voice tells me, “No” I reply, as I know they make me false and make me better, but a false better. So I sit here, in a busy house, all alone. I sit here speaking to a Laptop as I can’t share this with anyone in my house. They would listen, but why should I burden them with my problems, I do every day.
I feel utterly useless. Did I disappoint you? Did I let you down? I feel I did. No words this second will change. I love you, and I always will and always have, since the day I seen you in your school uniform when we were 12 and 13 years old, but today I want to remember us as we used to be
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blind and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
prayingforoneday 