I miss my Dad

My Dad, aged 66! 

 

The Man in the picture above is my Father, my best mate, my soul mate (In Scotland, soul mates don’t mean lovers or partners) he is my phone call when I need to make on, he is there when I am down, he is there when I am happy, he allows me to cry when I am sad

I will never see him again, my Daughters will never know “Gaga” as all the other 10 Grand Kids call him, still some are aged 20+ they call him Gaga. Circumstances out of both our control mean we can’t see each other ever again. I cry about it, whe speak every day on the phone for hours, we speak about everything, we speak about the past when he was the main man in Edinburgh and ran the City in his Criminal empire, we talk about how now he fosters kids and how he is no longer an angry man, this was my Dad when he was bad lad.

You just didn’t fuck with him, strangers who did, paid. Wrong, he knows it now. But the way it was..

I said to him a few weeks ago “Your anger was just misplaced passion” He started to cry, he is a strong man, he is Hundreds of miles away on an Island, away out the way of society, a society he once ruled and owned. He still would kill, i know he would. Should someone hurt me, my Brothers of Sisters, or the Grandkids or our Partners, he would pick the phone up and get someone murdered. I am guess of course, and perhaps joking, but he still holds this Authority in Edinburgh.

He was well known, but your average man on the street didn’t know him, he was VERY CLEVER, he let idiots do his work and make his money back 30/40/50 years ago. He never brought trouble to our home apart from the trouble he caused. Logic (I hate that word) should tell me to hate him, but He is happy and Mother is happy, so life and people have moved on. He showered me with love, I was his youngest Son, big thigns were expected from me and I left the family to chase my love for Dawn and my Football dream.

http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/my-greatest-story-of-love-the-woman-who-saved-my-life/

http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/08/the-football-story-i-never-told/

Had I been anyone else I would not have been allowed to walk away, this is the rule. He said at the time “You go take on the World” He said other things, he was almost hurt, but he didn’t want me to be him, as I was trying to be, so I think deep down he was happy I choose another path that didn’t lead to blood or jail.

I just need to tell the World about a man I love so much, I pine for in my life, I won’t see again, my Son’s know and miss him, my Daughter will know about him when they are older. He is 67 fit as a fiddle, still looks 50 year old, people call him Peter Pan, and in the Photo above you can see why. I am his double people say, but he is my Dad. I have to avoid people to this day because I am his son, but being his son gives me 24/7 protection in my daily life (Hard to explain and I won’t)

Patrick @ http://pifuk67.wordpress.com once posted this for his Dad, Patrick I hope I can post this, I know you won’t mind.

This is for you Dad “Auld Yin, Old One” as we call him 🙂

My  love for you will never leave this body, you made me who I am by allowing me to move on, I am thankful for your advice and you allowing me to walk. And for being an amazing Gaga to my sons and for loving Dawn also. I miss you Dad…

Just one last things, 2 year ago, we all visited..

My Dad, he took me a 10 mile walk a few years back, nearly killed me!

 

Enough with the pain already, please, my will is broken

enough already!

When I have a busy day, the next day I pay, and pay badly. Yesterday I got in my Car, drove to the other side of Edinburgh, and had lunch with my Mum. It was amazing, loved it

I awake this morning at 9am, takes me one hour to get out of bed. I am in immense pain; I can only describe this pain as all over, from my forehead to my toes and all in-between. Where is the fairness, where is the right? Because this is wrong

Nobody should have to suffer like this. 15 years now. I know many others suffer, and I am so sorry for you all, it is also unfair. Had I been a Buddhist I think I was a mass murderer in my last life.

I show love, I care, and I have made up for my wrongs, I have said sorry for my crimes. When I was a bad bastard I had no pain, when I changed to light and love the pain came. Anyone explain this? Why do BASTARDS get to go through life pain free while good people have to endure this pish? For people reading who do not know what it is, it is the “Devils Pain” that is what I call it. It is like a train, it just keeps coming, it doesn’t stop, Bang, bang, bang and then more.

I try to be good, I pray, I believe God can help me, but 15 years on, I am all out of trying, I am done, my will is almost broken, I am alone in a crowded room, I am loved but it is invisible. I sit at this or another computer all day every day. When I do try and do stuff, anything, the pain hits again BANG, BANG, BANG the train keeps coming and I break bones. This is not fair on good people. I have family members and friends, My own Mother, she is a DIAMOND, she is pain also. Where is the right in this?

I am boring myself with this shit, writing about it all the time, but I have to get it out. I need to write it from my mind to this page. Maybe one day I will wake up and I will be able to play football, take my kids to the park, go back to work as a football manager, and other things a Man will take for granted. I am glorifying pain here without realising it.

I am sorry for boring you all…

Shaun

My Chronic Pain story, where it began, till now. Hope it helps someone

I am going to tell my story and open my heart to you all, and tell you about my life story through living in pain, when it started, what may have triggered it and how it affected my life over the last 15 years.

As a kid aged 12 I was a boxer, my Dad never allowed me to fight properly until he knew I could defend myself, so I only sparred, but my coach at the time was Simon Wilson, who was the Scottish Light Middle Weight Champion at the time. No easy deal in Scotland to be fair.

While training twice a week at age 12 doing boxing, that taught me a discipline as well I was also playing Football (Some call it Soccer, but we will call it football) from the age of 8 years old, so from the age of 8 I was running and I was a very fit kid, when I started the boxing I was training or playing football for a very big club at the time as well as my boxing sparring contests, the only day I was doing nothing was Sunday’s, that was my family rule back then

I did both till about aged 17 when I became a very young father with my Partner now Miss Shaun, who I have been with since High School, I gave up Boxing and kept doing football. When I was around 21 I was playing for the Edinburgh development team in Dunfermline, 15 miles north of Edinburgh just over the Forth Road Bridge. During the game I got tackled hard by two people at the same time, one hit me in the left leg on the inside below the knee, the other hit me in the same leg, on the outside above my knee, leaving my leg as an L shape and a bone sticking out my skin, the pain still haunts me to this day and remembering the mess of my knee also is something I block out

I had keyhole surgery, I was a bit lucky I damaged my ligaments and tendons badly, luckily I snapped my leg 2 inches below the knee, not actually on the knee, at the time I thought my knee had snapped.

So there I was in Hospital, with a 3 year old son, unable to work and sure I would never kick a football again. 1 year later, I ignored my Dr’s advice and went back to play football, again hurting my knee, I kept playing through the pain, then at age 23 I noticed recovery time between games and the pain going away. By the age of 24, scans and X-rays and a little more keyhole surgery I was told I had to stop working. I was a trained Baker, and this had a devastating effect on not just me, but my relationship with Miss Shaun (Her Name is Dawn) me being young and angry and frustrated I turned to drink and drugs. This lasted a few years and I got sober/straight

At the age of 28 or around this time it was 100% confirmed I had Chronic Pain, at the time there this was a new thing, Dr’s were not 100% about what was causing pain to come over all my body and not just my knee, I got all the tests under the sun, and the pain just got worse. As I hit my 30’s the pain gathered, at this time I was 7 years into being a Football Manager and coach, being a coach you are the one who takes the training session and leads from the front, being Manager you walk around and shout at people being lazy, bad attitude and just not giving it 100%, at this point I had to stop coaching as much, and I was just manager, I did this till early 2012 when I had to give up.

We moved house, had two daughters and the pain peaked, I am told the pain will not get worse in a Chronic Pain way, but will as my body naturally gets older. Looking back I should have stopped playing football when my Knee was an L shape. I speak to my Dr’s now, and the belief is I gave too much to my body too often and to hard and here I am in my late 30’s writing about it

That is my story in a quick a way as possible. It started with my knee, then to leg, hip and the pain hit me all over. Chronic pain is such an odd Syndrome to determine and act upon from a medical point of view. I work with a focus group these days when I can, I speak in seminars from time to time answering questions from “Experts” with a book about my pain, and how it affected me and so on

I lost all faith in the medical world long ago when it came to Chronic Pain, they are good people the team who tried to help me, but the funding for Chronic Pain and similar issues here and elsewhere is so low, they can’t do much other than give you tablets, it is still an unknown, they think most of it is triggered by the mind, but I can’t and don’t buy that one, I am a very positive fun loving lad and I don’t go there. I am depressed only when I am in pain, I am not clinically depressed

The pain, I can only describe as all over body toothache, I can feel it coming, sometimes it starts in my lower back, sometimes my shoulders, sometimes my knees and spreads like a fire in a paper factory and before I know it my entire body is in spasm and in pain. I take heavy medication, but refuse to take the REAL HEAVY STUFF; I would rather be in pain and have a life than spend my life drooling in my bed till the day I die.

This is my story. Fire away if you have a question, please, if my story can help anyone, I want to help people. It allows me to look in the mirror and still feel human, I don’t want sympathy, and I just want the pain to go away. I help the NHS in other ways also, but personal stuff I just need to do for personal reasons

It is not nice, it stole my life and made me hate myself, I am now getting to know the new me, and thanks you all you, I am getting there. But I don’t want to be the new me, but I must accept, it is unfair on any of us who have this, it is cruel what this does to our lives midway through, had I been born with this, I wouldn’t be blogging  I don’t think. It stole me and took me away from loved ones, I had to fight back to them, I still am….. My story continues, and I treasure my memories I will leave some below

Shaun x

After winning a Treble (3 Trophies) This was the 3rd one..

To some this means NOTHING, to me it explains who I must be, and all I can be

League winners the week after winning the cup, the “Double” was ours

The day we won the league title. Brilliant day. My oldest Daughter was born two days before this

Players after the game receiving their awards, and also our league winning Trophy

Words from the Match sponsor and myself, I am there in the middle picture somewhere, crowd behind us

Me with former Celtic and Scotland international player Stevie Fulton as I progressed with my qualifications in football

Me relaxed and ready to fire my players up in the Stadium an hour before kick off

Again my first team, I had them WANTING to win at this age, but enjoyment was everything

My first team 12 years ago (I think) My son in red bottom right, after 3 wonderful years.I cried when it ended!!

My old boxing club and coach, 1985 I Think

My old boxing club

My old club, my old coach bald lad top right