My two Sons – One is hurting tonight

Brotherly love?

 

I do a lot of blogs about Dawn and my Daughters and I guess I never blogged about my son’s as they asked me not to, lol

Tonight one got a broken heart. His partner finished with him. He came home in bits. The only good thing is he is still very young and will learn from this. I just hugged him for a good half hour as his broken heart hurt mine. His brother also came through and gave him a hug; this on its own broke my heart, brothers who are there for each other.

He then spent an hour cuddled up to his mum, in tears still till he fell asleep. We walked him through to his bed and he is asleep now. I think he knew it was coming but didn’t want to admit it to himself. He kept asking “What have I done” I replied “Nothing buddy” I blog about their little sisters a lot, but tonight I am blogging this for me. Both of my sons work, both are very nice people, neither talk or gossip, something I gave them a hard time for at aged 10 or so “Never lower yourself in life where you allow another to take up your thinking” it took a while, after a few years the message got through. As “Dad” you are always the bad guy lol, there are no rules, no guidelines for us as parents in how do deal with things.

I remember when they were 6/7/8 years old I was very hard on them, would never raise my hands, but if they left a light on, or left a cup/plate or mess of any kind I would ground them for a night. I remember a friend, who I am still friends with now saying “Maybe you shouldn’t” and as a friend he was just being a friend. I said at the time, “Judge them when they are men” I think I did a good job as did Dawn of course. We were happy, discipline was there, but it is there with the girls. We all bring kids up different

I am proud of them both; they excel at what they do. They really don’t have to work full time, but I make them, no matter how much money I have, they must learn what earning money is, what it is like at the end of the month to be able to buy a £300 tablet or £400 on clothes, whatever, they have the freedom now to be what they want to be. As any of us here who are parents will say there are no rule books on parenting, just moments to deal in my oldest son Dean suffers from Seizures and takes Epilim daily, and he has not had a seizure since being on the medication. His last one I thought he had had died, it happened in a Dr’s room when I refused to leave the room as I knew he was seizing, just a slight twitch, the Dr wasn’t have it, this was Friday 5pm the poor woman wanted to go home, I said “We leave when I know he is ok, I am sorry” she then just confused him with questions till it induced the seizure

Dean, a man of the ladies

To say standing there watching your Son fight for his life was hard is an understatement, he has had 5 seizures now, so when he leaves he house, we worry. As you do.

My youngest Son Ryan in a terrific Soccer player but has had a broken foot issue now for 2 seasons, it just won’t heal, the Dr’s have checked it. And he really is fine, it needs complete rest for a while, so I hope he can. He wants football as bad as I do the kid. He works about 50 hours a week, and is a very happy young lad, like his brother spends a lot of time with his Sisters and is a brilliant kid, I am so proud of him for becoming the man he is at 19, he is well grounded and has morals an more to match, like his brother he is a gentleman. I think I taught them both well, treat a woman with honesty and the truth and be true to yourself. And they both do. Ryan wants to get back to football Badly where he was scoring 70 goals a season and was courted by all the big teams in Scotland, he just needs to get this foot sorted, then he can get back playing football with his buddies. This is my son Ryan’s football page where he was blogging about his football  http://www.youthfootballscotland.co.uk/news-a-media/yfs-blogs/1024-stepping-into-a-junior-club

Ryan after he broke his foot, it just wasn’t happening for him, here, you can see from his face he knows it is still sore. But he needs to believe we can both go do football again, and Dean won’t miss a game, our biggest fan he is

 

Love you both lads, and don’t worry about idiots who think blogging or  expressing yourself is wrong, they are the idiots. You two keep doing what you are doing, and life will draw its own path for you, a happy one , where we will be best mates still, I ma best mates with my sons, it was not always this way, but kids growing up can be hard work, now, we are best friends, the three of as are very close, and we protect the ladies in our house and love them.

I am a proud Dad tonight

Again I open my heart up and spill it onto a website seen by a handful of people in the UK,  but these 2 lads, same as their sisters and Mum are 2 well looked after young men, it comes with what being in my family bring. It isn’t all bad, but it brings a safety and a support base that I don’t think any family takes for granted. Their Uncle, my Brother is their best mate, he is always there for both of them, so we are a tight unit, my sons know right from wrong though, but still do what 19 and 21 year old kids do, I hope

 

The Dream died, no football for Shaun

What else can I do?

No feeling sorry for Shaun here. Had a hospital appointment at 12:30pm today, just to make sure my left knee was strong enough to do 4 or 5 days a week football. It is not. So I had to call Merchiston FC and say no. They had a rough idea the pain may be too much. I would be letting down the club, 18 kids and 100 parents and family members who pay into this side and support them every week. I would also be letting down Kevin, Brian and Davie my coaches and helpers who I have worked with for years in football

I half expected this to happen. But I had to call it, it was my choice based on letting all these people down. Looking at the scan this morning the hamstring is 60% strong. This is my biceps femoris (Spelling), I had a tear to it 18 months ago, and it almost came away from the knee

So the gamble was too much, pain was too much, so the dream dies. I just can’t do the thing I love best in the world. My appetite for life, breathing, walking the dog, smiling, has gone. I don’t even know if I can blog again. I am shattered, this was worst case scenario here, and it happened. I can’t describe how I feel. It’s not anger, its self pity in a way that I already knew this would happen “Told you so Shaun” type thinking. Alistair, the Dr I deal with for my pain had a real go at my leg today and he left me screaming and swelling appeared also when he was done. I asked “Football, yes or no” He said “You can give it a try, but that hamstring is only just over half on” It is right behind my left knee, I can feel the burn now. A burning pain from where the Dr bent it always to see of the damage at knitted back together, once we seen the scan, I just knew, my head dropped and so did my Dr’s, well the lad I have dealt with for over 10 years with this knee. We both knew what this meant

So what now? Sit and feel sorry for myself? Give up? I don’t know. This was my dream, this was my thing. Think of something in your life you LOVE. It could be a stupid game to walking dogs to sex games to playing Tennis to the most mundane thing in the world, if you enjoy doing it, it is “Your thing” This was mine, it was also my wage had I went on for a few years.

I have no idea what to do, I am numb, I can’t think, I can’t look at anyone, I can’t answer my phone, I can only sit here at a place I call home. My computer, HOW FUCKING SAD A LIFE I HAVE, really my life consists of sitting at a PC all day. I have every kids of PC/Laptop/Tablet known to man. This is all I can do. I can’t do fuck all else. Sitting watching a movie these days is hard to get comfy and keep my mind on the story. Reading my book is becoming harder as I lost focus on the story as mind wanders

I think deep down I knew I was going to have to do this blog, I had actually sat last week, the week before, yesterday, last night, many times thinking “How will I react if I can’t do this” And here I am. To some just a stupid football team with kids. To me, working with some of the most talented kids in Scotland at this age level at a club whose ambitions were nearly as big as mine

Well football, it wasn’t to be, so I wave you goodbye, thanks for the memories, I had terrific times with you, memories other would DIE FOR

After winning a Treble (3 Trophies) This was the 3rd one..

The days….In stadiums and winning. Gone

League winners the week after winning the cup, the “Double” was ours

Cup winners with the Adult side I owned and ran and managed

The winning penalty to get us to our 2nd Final, a superb memory for me and the kid and his parents

The day we won the league title. Brilliant day. My oldest Daughter was born two days before this

My Partner had never missed a game, she couldn’t make this one with the baby, this is my son, he scored 3 as we won 4-0 to win the league, his mum said “Do it for your Sister” And he delivered. A personal moment for me and my family this

Words from the Match sponsor and myself, I am there in the middle picture somewhere, crowd behind us

If I can give my team this experience, then I will be happy, this was my last kids side, Fernieside

As I progressed through the ranks, I got a national Scottish coaching nomination, again, a moment!

I took this group of kids to a Double winning season, capped off with a final at the home of a Professional football team, a REAL stadium, about 4,000 were there on the day

Allowing these kids to sample the big time was important, so we arrived early and let them tour the stadium

A picture from the daily paper from the game

My first ever team 13 years or so ago now, all these kid are 19/20 years old now, but this is where it begun

Again my first team, I had them WANTING to win at this age, but enjoyment was everything

NOW MY FOCUS TURNS TO THE BELOW:

My dog Lisha

Courtney and Chloe

The mother of my kids

Mum

mY 2 Sons

Dawn without make up, lol

Fun with the kids

And finally, this struggle

People die, but never leave us, my story

I miss her still

May I first say, share your story below, you don’t have to be registered or follow my blog. This is my story, what is your story?

Above is a picture taken in the mid 1970’s, the woman holding the child is my Nana (Grandmother) who passed many years ago now. Katie was her name, to me and others she was Nana, and we miss her, lately family through facebook have been sharing old pictures, and two got me, so I will share

The kid in the picture was born 3 months premature, had his last rights read to him and his parents told he would live for a day or two, the kid in that photo is me

Many people have died I loved so far in my live, 2 hurt badly, my Aunt Anne and my Nana, it cut me deeply and today it still does.

I had heard the story of me nearly dying as a baby and only this week I was shown this picture on Facebook by my Sister and my Cousin. I burst into tears right away, yeah Men cry, I do anyway

This picture is symbolic to me in a few ways, I did live, this was my 1^st day home since birth I think, and my Nana holding me and loving me. My Nana, like many of us with Grandparents only remember an old face, but then I was sent this, this is my Nana in 1939 at the start of WWII in uniform, she was 22 we think, we are not sure, I was a “WOW” moment for me

My Nana as a young girl

To see these pictures brought me to my knees almost, because of many reasons. Reasons I know anyone reading can agree with, or can share with, we all have a story to tell, this is one of mine. She was an extraordinary woman, she cared, loved and just loved her family and asked only we visit her, unconditional love she gave us all

I can’t speak for the rest of my family, but for me this picture shows me that hope is something we never give up on, many  thought I was dead, and I lived, and to see my Nana holding me, this picture blew me away

There are other stories I could share, my Brother and my Granddad and many more from people in my family. But this is my blog page and my piece. She has been gone for a while, but she is never forgotten. Not one day goes past when I don’t think of her

This picture is bitter sweet, it hurts me, but it also makes me smile

We all have a story to tell, I know many with similar or worse stories in my family, and this is mine

Also the other death that hurt deep was my Aunt Ann, it hurt badly, this was several year ago now. She was beautiful, like my Nana as a kid; my aunt was a beautiful person to me, and kind. I always have this memory of her grabbing me as a kid, kissing me, and saying “I love you” And I cherish this moment always. The same as her husband and her four daughters will with memories they hold

My Aunt

Life is short yeah? So we should not waste it on not speaking, and being stupid. When the day comes, the people who will be there for you are your family, and I love mine, all of them. Now that I am writing I can explore my feelings and see how far I can share my most inner feelings, and this is about as far and as close as I can get, I am bearing my soul to you all, thousands of people from Family to strangers all over the Globe

But this is my story, these are two people I love to this day and there are others may I add, and it still hurts. But knowing my family is still around me helps, my Aunts kids are in there also, we speak and have fun from time to time online, and my Nana, well we all miss her.

She was the boss. It was my Aunts husband who found my Nana when she died. Now they are both together with my Granddad and my Aunt Margaret, together, awaiting the rest of us. I really believe this

As I say often and my awards to the right must be hitting a nerve somewhere. there isn’t enough love left, and what did happen to family values? I blogged this down the page, what went wrong?

More love, less hate, then the world is a better place. I spoke with my Sister last night and I tried to explain how I have changed, and if she reads this, or any of my family read this, I found love and compassion and maybe God, I don’t know. I don’t see organised religion as being for me, but there must be someone up there. My dad told me a story once, he was up a hill, and before him he seen his Mum (My nana) his Dad and two sisters, and when he told me he cried, and I have no reason to not believe him. This must have been a moment he cherishes to this day, he cries still when he speaks about it

So maybe, I would like to think they are up there waiting on us all. I could be here writing about all sorts of things, but these two pictures made me cry and smile. And that is ok, we can cry

I got shown the last ever picture of my Nana the day before her passing, and again, gut wrenching hurt. I cried, again, this is ok, its allowed, anyone who says it’s not is non human to me, it is a man thing “Men shouldn’t cry” Perhaps a deeply rooted Scottish thing. If someone was to hurt my family I would do what any man would, that part of me still exists, but as I grow older and go through “Events” in my life, I learn, as do we all, we draw strength from the hurt or the anger to make sure we can deal with it next time better, in one event I hope we never have to go through that as a family again, it ripped us to bits, but as I write this, we are healing, slowly we are coming back to each other

And this is why I blog, I miss being with my family, and maybe one day we can be close again. The internet has made us lazy, why visit when we can email, or Skype or exchange pictures and questions on facebook, are we getting lazy, is this why the “Family” don’t speak any more? Not just my family, I blogged a few blogs down, and many from all over the world agreed, family has gone and been replaced by a computer screen

But, this blog is about what happens to us all, what we must face, and how we cope as a family unit. I am glad I shared this

Shaun

Worst pain ever today……

I get pain all over my body, sometimes my knee, sometimes my shoulders, sometimes my hips, sometimes my ankles, even my feet, and many other places. Today it is lower back

I awoke and could walk, but every step was like an electric shock to the area, the pain was 10/10 I was in agony. I called my GP he just said “Take more pills, and use more gel on the area” So I did, and it took 20% of the pain away.

Lower back pain for me can be the worst of all pains, as that one area makes it hard for all your other joints to move properly. The cause is the way I slept last night, people usually sleep in one way, I slept in an almost foetal position, and I am told not to by the pain experts, but when asleep, you are not aware of how you will end up sleeping

Does me no good!

When I do sleep like this, it is feels like my lower back has fused and I can’t straighten up, and today, I spent 3 or 4 hours in agony after I awoke, trying to just relax whatever it was that needed relaxing. Even now, it is still sore, it was that sore leaning forward to drink a cup of tea hurt my back and my neck. This is Chronic Pain, I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy, if I had one, it is degrading and horrible and days like this I just want to stay asleep, as when asleep, there is no pain, and I did for a while, I just went back to bed and the pain and medication knocked me out

I just hate it, it sucks, its shit, it’s more that agony; I don’t have a word for this pain. Today is a day I needed to be somewhere and do something’s, and I couldn’t, so I let people down, and that brings guilt, but I was reminded by everyone and their dog’s today “It isn’t your fault

I promised myself I wouldn’t give into this bastard pain, and try and live normal, today?

Shaun 0-1 Pain

I lost. I had no choice, I just gave in. And as I sit here, I ask, is there more to come? Is the pain going to get worse? Is this for me? Or do I do what I preach and fight, do I lift myself up in agony and go, do I say “No” and just keep going? I am a fighter, give me a fight and I will win, it is in my nature. Today I lost, and that hurts my pride, but makes me want to fight harder to try and find ways to stop this pain.

I promise myself right now, I am not taking this, I won’t give up, I will fight, and I will do as I tell others. But today was awful. Really bad, and it’s days like this I wish I did not over do sport when I was 21 and younger, when I remember all my coaches from Soccer to Boxing telling me “Take it easy” I used to run, no, sprint up hills, I used to do extra soccer practice, I stayed behind in the gym and did extra in the ring with my coach, who was the Scottish Middleweight champion  at the time. And even he said “Take it easy tiger”

I should have listened.

So if you are the same, you pushing yourself too far, to fast, to hard? Stop, please. It does come back to hit you, hard.

Slow down tiger

Shaun